‘We go to gay clubs together’: Deni Todorovic on their close bond with their mum

Deni Todorovič is a writer and broadcaster best known for being a queer activist and author. The 34-year-old opens up about their parents’ love story, their early fashion obsession and past relationships.

My parents are the original Notebook movie, as my mum, Maca, met and fell in love with my dad, Rocky, when she was nine years old. Dad still remembers exactly what Mum was wearing when he saw her at the school canteen. They started dating when they were 12, but were separated at 16 when my grandmother moved her family from Serbia to Australia, the “lucky country”.

“I presented as an extrovert at high school, but at home I became my true self – a massive introvert.”

Mum always knew she wanted to marry Dad. He proposed in a letter, and when he got out of the army, she returned to Serbia and they eloped. She got married in a silk jumpsuit. Their love story inspires me greatly.

Mum was 21 when she had me, so I grew up as her best friend, little brother and son all rolled into one. My grandmother would babysit me while Mum worked at a factory. My face lit up when she walked through the door.

After we got through the hurdles of my coming out – first as gay, then as non-binary – Mum was the first person I would text when I made out with a boy on the dance floor. We go to gay clubs together. She is in awe of drag queens. Mum is literally my best girlfriend.

I presented as an extrovert at high school, but at home I became my true self – a massive introvert. Dad made me a sewing room, I had Vivienne Westwood pictures on the walls, and I would sit and read Vogue for hours. I’d be in my sewing room on Saturday nights while my friends were out drinking Cruisers.

My first kiss happened at 19 when my cousin hooked me up with a girl. It was not how I imagined. It was nice, but I didn’t feel butterflies. Then three weeks later I kissed a boy and everything happened, everywhere, in every morsel of my being.

I met Ben just before my 21st birthday. We were together for 18 months, during which time we moved to London. It was beautiful and innocent, but as an out-and-proud gay person it was tricky being with someone who was not quite there on that journey.

My first real relationship was with my second partner, Brendan. We moved to Sydney and he was the first person where it felt like a marriage – and then later a divorce. He is now one of my best friends.

I came out of a relationship in late 2022. Archie and I were together for a year. It was a unique situation, in that it was both my first relationship and breakup in the public eye.

I was the fashion editor for Cosmopolitan for eight years. My No. 1 celebrity style icon remains fictional character Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie is everything that is fashion to me: high, low, vintage, designer, Zara. You think of a scene in Sex and the City and you instantly recall what Carrie is wearing. It’s genius, as fashion is used as storytelling.

I’ve spent 13 years in fashion, which is the biggest culprit in female body negativity and unrealistic beauty ideals. That has never sat well with me. I’ve had my own journey with disordered eating. For nearly all my life I’ve strived to look a certain way – because of fashion, or the gay community’s body ideals. I don’t call my body a body any more – I call it a vessel. You need to honour your vessel.

I feel so much empathy for women, as they are crucified at every point. From when they are sexualised by the patriarchy to postpartum struggles and beyond, it never really ends. I just watched the Pamela Anderson Netflix documentary. She’s a trailblazing woman who has both defined beauty norms and rebelled against them. She blew me away.

Deni Todorovič will appear at the All About Women festival at the Sydney Opera House, March 12.

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