‘Didn’t want to be alive’: Kieran Foran opens up on darkest period

Kieran Foran has opened up on the darkest period of his life, when he walked away from a multimillion-dollar deal.

Gold Coast halfback Kieran Foran has opened up on the “personal demons” that once forced him to quit rugby league and walk away from a multimillion-dollar contract.

Foran, who turns 34 this month, is closing in on the 300-game milestone in a career that has featured stops at Manly, Parramatta, the Warriors, Bulldogs and Titans.

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He has also represented New Zealand and the NRL All Stars, winning a premiership with the Sea Eagles back in 2011.

The decision to leave Manly for the Eels in 2015, signing a four-year, $4.8 million contract, would ultimately lead to a downward spiral in his professional and personal life that left him wondering if he wanted to live, let alone continue in the NRL.

Speaking on Sporting News’ Ebbs & Flows podcast, which drops on July 7, Foran said personal issues and a serious shoulder injury during the 2016 season almost proved too much for him to handle.

Kieran Foran with the Titans and Eels. Photos: Getty Images

“I was going through some relationship struggles off the field with my ex partner and kids and then I was battling some of my own personal demons in terms of my drinking and gambling and things like that that had probably gotten slightly out of control,” he said.

“The one constant that had always allowed me to get through, even the previous years, was that I always had footy.

“At Parra, I took a couple weeks off to try and get myself right in a rehabilitation clinic and I came back and I did my shoulder and I did it bad.

“I just think knowing that I had a season-ending injury in round 12, it just threw me. I wasn’t in the mental state to cope with not having rugby league.

“In the end, the thought of getting through that, without footy, was just too much for me.

“I needed to get completely away because the one constant that I have relied on for so long in my life was that 80 minutes every single week.

“I just went ‘I can’t do this, not at the moment. I don’t even want to be alive, let alone turn up to training’. And that was what I was being asked to do and rightfully so.

“I was the captain of Parramatta, I’d gone there as a big-money signing, I was their halfback, they’d given me time off to fight my personal demons, then I’d done my shoulder and I didn’t even want to be near a training paddock.”

Foran signed with the Eels just before his 25th birthday in a high-profile move that had him billed as Parramatta’s saviour.

Within a year, Foran had a stint in hospital after overdosing on painkillers, faced reports of significant gambling losses and then walked away from the Eels wondering if he would ever play footy again.

“I think now when I look back on it, I just had so much success as a young guy and everything had come to me so fast that I just hadn’t grown up,” he said.

Foran walks a lap of honour after his final home game for the Sea Eagles in 2022. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

“I think I was caught in just living life and doing it my way and (having the) ‘I’ll be right’ mentality and in the end I think everything just came crashing down on me.

“I just couldn’t fulfil my role as a footy player.

“There was too much going on in my life at the time that it would have been wrong of me to sit there at Parra on $1.2 million a year and collect my pay cheque and not be able to fulfil my role as a captain and leader.”

He played just nine matches for Parramatta and after a complete break from the sport, signed a one-year deal with the Warriors for the 2017 campaign.

After stints with the Bulldogs and back with Manly, Foran joined the Titans in 2023 and the Auckland-born veteran says football ultimately helped him get back on track.

“Over time I realised that footy was the one thing that I did need in my life and that I still had stuff left to do in my footy career,” Foran said.

“At that time, when I walked away, I was done. I didn’t care if I didn’t lace another boot. That’s how mentally ill I was and just off it.

“I think as the months wore on and I got slightly clearer in my head, I was able to find the love and enjoyment in it again and sort of reflect and go ‘maybe footy is good for me’.”

Foran with stepson Logan Steinwede, who tragically passed away last year. Photo: Supplied.

Foran with wife Karina at the Titans’ 2023 awards night. Picture Glenn Hampson

Foran has had to confront more heartbreak, losing his stepson Logan Steinwede to suicide in November last year.

Foran and his wife Karina, Logan’s mother, spoke publicly about the tragedy last December in the hope it might prevent other people from taking their own lives.

Considering his vast life experience, Foran now regularly checks in with his teammates, something which rarely happened when he was beginning his professional career.

“I’ll often have chats to guys at training and say ‘how’s everything going in your life?’” he said.

“Things like that, stuff that you wouldn’t really talk about 10-15 years ago and open those conversations up.

“It’s always good to know what’s going on in people’s private lives, what are they up to behind the scenes.

“I think if you can understand and get to know each other better, you can see the signs and triggers if someone is struggling.”

Originally published as ‘Didn’t want to be alive’: Kieran Foran opens up on darkest period