Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A devoted husband has opened up about his wife’s career choice amid fears it could ruin them.

A devoted husband asks for help after his wife suddenly decides to become an influencer.

Feeling apprehensive about his wife deciding to take a non-traditional career path, a devoted husband has reached out to marriage expert Melissa Ferrari for guidance.

DEAR MELISSA

My wife wants to become an influencer, and I think this is going to destroy us. We both work full-time; we are barely surviving as it is, and my wife suddenly tells me that she’s sick of her job and wants to become one of those influencers that upload every second of their day.

This whole influencer thing feels like it could mess up everything for us and our kids. I don’t want them to be the focus of some fake reality online.

I’m really worried it’ll take her attention away from making real memories with our family, and honestly, I don’t see how we’re going to survive financially if she starts chasing this unrealistic dream. How do I keep her grounded?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

What we all seek as a couple is a secure functioning relationship, one that is built on respect, love, and care for each other, with both putting the relationship first – without that our relationship will become chaotic, filled with threats, conflict, resentment and will likely fail.

This is why agreements which you both honour within the relationship are so important. These agreements need to exist around difficult conversations, so when one partner says, ‘I want to quit my job and try something new,’ as a couple you have in place a way to discuss this without it ending in conflict.

Relationships are unique, what we have are individuals seeking to build a two-person system, so when one partner puts themselves ahead of the relationship this becomes an enormous threat, with the resultant anxiety causing a potentially destructive force to the two-person system you are building.

Your wife, like so many, is likely unaware of the impact that her decision to put herself first is having upon you as we tend to move through relationships in an automated way, allowing things to evolve, as opposed to working together to mould our relationship.

This is where trouble strikes, without the agreements, accommodations and constant checking in to make sure both are OK, we then struggle to deal with a major shift in the relationship as we had no plan to discuss how we navigate a potential major change.

For you, this is the ability to sit down and talk through with your wife why she wants this change, why it’s important to her and to then be able to discuss openly the impact that this decision will have on your relationship and your family.

Making major life decisions without consulting your partner can be detrimental to a successful relationship.

The first question you need to ask your wife, which is a tough question to ask and one you may want to make with the support of a qualified relationship counsellor, is whether the relationship is important to her?

How she answers that will then help to see whether you can find a compromise with some parameters put into place as she pursues her dream, while easing the impact upon you – perhaps she could work part-time as she follows this path, and you can have a rule that the kids are not part of the influencer story.

It is important she understands and takes seriously the impact her decision to be ‘selfish’ by putting her wants first is having, as how she reacts will lead you to answering a very important question – is what she wants to do a ‘deal-breaker’ for your relationship?

These are delicate issues, if you put your foot down and say ‘no’ then you will likely need to deal with her resentment building over time, if she goes ahead then it will be you resenting what she has done.

It is why it is so important that you come together and whatever you decide is a decision that you make as a couple, with the full support of the both of you. That is how strong relationships work, and I suggest, get some help, talk it through and see if you can find a way for the both of you to be able to move forward together, supporting each other.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now