Why the Nacho Parenting style works for our blended family

An Aussie mum explains exclusively to Kidspot why 'Nacho parenting' is perfect for the dynamic in her home.

My partner, Brett and I moved in together late last year and in the process, officially blended our two families – my two boys whom I share with my ex-husband and his three kids that he shares with his ex-wife.

Before dating Brett, I had never had a relationship with anyone who had kids with their ex, so becoming a stepparent was quite a big adjustment and took some getting used to. 

Brett though, had been in some past relationships with women who had kids and because of this, had learnt a bit along the way and had tips and advice that he shared with me when we first got together.

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The Nacho Parenting technique

While not all of these worked for me, or our situation, there was one style of parenting that he mentioned and that has ultimately been a lifesaver by really helping our living situation and blended family mesh quite smoothly. It is something called ‘Nacho Parenting.’

When I first heard Brett mention it, I literally thought it was some sort of parenting style that must allude to Nachos, like the symbolism of layers or getting the right blend of ingredients.

But no, it means ‘not your’, as in, ‘not your kid, not your problem.’ And it is a real, established parenting style developed by a couple who were once in this blending situation.

The idea is based mostly around disciplining, which any stepparent would know can be quite a tricky area to deal with when it comes to your partner’s biological child/ren.

The Nacho Parenting style essentially says the biological or primary parent disciplines their respective child/ren, while the stepparent stands back, or takes on a secondary role.

When Brett told me about this, I was both relieved (that I didn’t have to take on this role with his kids) and also unsure how to execute this properly, especially given we both have our own style of disciplining and because our kids are at very different stages (his are at high school, while mine are much younger). Despite my concerns about this though, somehow it just works.

Whenever Brett’s kids need to be disciplined, he will follow through with what works for them and I do the same with my kids.

We both take a really hands-off role, with the other’s respective kids when it comes to anything like disciplining, rules and the more serious areas of caretaking.

This means I will help Brett’s kids with homework, or if they ask for advice, I will try to be supportive and assist but with things like organising after-school activities, transportation, medical appointments, or any issues that arise at school, I step back and let Brett take the lead for his kids and I take the lead for mine.

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I view my role to my step-children as more of a 'fun Aunt'

Initially, my boys asked why we do it like this but once I had explained that different families have different rules and ways of doing things and that when families are blended, we have to respect these, they understood and if they ever find it tricky, I do my best to work it through with them.

The best thing about the style is that my relationship with Brett’s kids, which is still in very early stages, isn’t marred by more negative experiences and instead, I can focus on building a strong and positive stepmother relationship with them.

I know this parenting style wouldn’t work for everyone, there are definitely flaws with it, like what happens when the biological parent isn’t around when their child does something wrong, or if one child views two sets of rules and types of punishment as unfair (which arguably it could be).

Thankfully, for us, this hasn’t really been a concern, but I do know other families who have attempted to do this, and it just ended in disaster- with more stress and problems than they had to begin with, and this really impacts on the couple’s relationship too.

For us though, so far, so good. I have managed to set some solid roots with Brett’s kids, they sort of see me as an aunty or a friend, rather than a parent and I am happy with this role.

While I love Brett and his kids, I was content with my two boys and hadn’t wanted more children. Viewing our relationship in this way, as not so much of a ‘parent’ but a ‘fun aunt’ just makes everything run much more smoothly and all of us much happier.

Originally published as Why the Nacho Parenting style works for our blended family