My mum wants to babysit when I'm at work - but her partner says she can't

"I feel he's selfish and makes it difficult for me. I'm worried for my mum." Kidspot's Jordana answers a reader's dilemma.

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Advice Needed

I have a 10-month-old baby and will get back to work soon.

I will need my mum to stay with me for 2-3 days in a row to help me look after the baby. My mum is happy to do it but her partner (not my biological dad) does not seem happy knowing my mum will be away for a few days per week. He said to me he can only let my mum go help me temporarily for a few months, but after that I need to find childcare.

The thing is, I prefer my baby to stay home until 18 months. I feel her partner is selfish and makes it difficult for me…

What should I do in this case? Is my mum in a controlling relationship?

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Jordana’s Advice 

Can I start off by saying - you are doing a great job! Often mums heading back to work feel so deflated as they carry the enormous guilt. Whether you “need to” or “want to” go back to work, ensuring your child is loved and safe is your job! If you don’t want h er in daycare just yet, your choice. 

I would have a conversation with your mum first, face to face and not with her partner around. You need to hear from her that she is indeed happy to take on that responsibility until your baby goes to childcare. My initial reaction was maybe her partner is being her mouthpiece as she doesn’t want to upset you and tell you herself. 

If that’s the case, maybe offer a compromise; whether it’s finding a nanny or babysitter to step in every second or third week.

Another option might be for her not to stay over. It's possible that's why her partner isn’t so keen on the idea.

RELATED: My mum had three kids too. How did she do it all?

A grandmother is torn, as her partner doesn't want her to be her grandchild's primary carer. Source: iStock

Does he feel alone?

Again, you would need to ask your mum as well, why he isn’t so keen on the idea of her looking after your child, especially if she offered the help to you. Why not offer him to come stay with her even if it’s every other week? Given his reaction, you might not feel comfortable, but he might just be a little lonely and lashing out. 

Whether your mother is in a controlling relationship, that is a separate conversation all together. I wouldn’t base it just off this example alone, but if you have noticed other behaviours of his that would lead you to suspect he is controlling her, then speak up. But tread very carefully. After all she has offered to be the primary carer of your child.

RELATED: Mum's raw post about returning to work after parental leave

Honesty is key

I would implement a regular check-in with her. How she is going, if she’s still happy with the arrangements. It gives her a chance to be honest with you from the beginning, rather than letting any tensions grow. Have it in the back of your mind that you may have to move into daycare sooner - if your mum doesn’t have the stamina. Because at the end of the day, the older toddlers get, the more energy that’s needed to look after them. 

Open conversations and compromise will be key to ensure that your relationship with your mother doesn’t fracture. 

All the best for your return to work, and sincerely hope that your mum and her partner will be ok whatever the outcome. 

Originally published as My mum wants to babysit when I'm at work - but her partner says she can't