My doctor husband's excuse for not getting up for night feeds is 'pathetic'

"Shouldn’t I be extended the same opportunity?" the mum asked. But commenters weren't so sure...

A new mum has shared her frustration over her husband’s refusal to help with their baby’s night feeds, sparking a heated discussion in the comments about the imbalance of parenting responsibilities during maternity leave.

The mum, currently on leave with their six-month-old, explained that she has handled all of the night feeds since the baby was born.

But after switching to formula feeding, she expected her husband, who works Monday to Friday as a doctor, to start sharing the load.

However, her request was met with an unexpected response.

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"Shouldn’t I be extended the same opportunity?"

"Now that we’ve transitioned to formula, I feel like my husband should have to share the night feeds. I don’t feel like it’s fair that the sleep disruption falls to just one person," the mum explained to the r/Parenting forum.

"I asked him to help with the night feeds now and he said, 'Are you serious? That’s the whole point of mat leave, you’re around to care for the baby. What do you think I do all day? I need to be able to concentrate.'

"This makes me feel like he thinks all we do is sit around and chill all day."

The mum notes that their baby doesn’t nap during the day (which is normal according to their paediatrician, by the way), which means she doesn't get to lie down either.

"I also need to be able to concentrate if I’m looking after an infant," she laments.

She then asks the forum... "Does society only value the role of being the parent who works and brings home money? I also work all day by keeping this baby alive and entertained; however, my job isn’t paid. And I don’t clock off from my job at 5 p.m. - it’s a 24/7 job.

"He gets to feel well-rested for his job. Shouldn’t I be extended the same opportunity?"

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"It's a tricky one"

Her post clearly struck a chord with parents in the comments, who weighed in with their thoughts.

"I'm a SAHM, and if I have to wake up in the middle of the night, I get to sleep in, and I get to sleep between the baby eating the rest of the day if I'm really tired. I don't think it's fair to wake someone up who has to be up for a job that is time sensitive," one said.

Another agreed: "Not to mention the consequences of him not getting enough sleep are greater. Plus, he has less control over his work duties than she does over hers."

"It’s a tricky one," a third pointed out. "Do I think dads should take their share of the night feeds? Yes. BUT would I want my wife or child treated by a doctor who only had a few hours of very disrupted sleep the night before, hell no."

Image: IStock

Some thought the mum was well within her rights to speak up, like this person, who wrote: "Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique because it is effective. It is definitely fair for him to take the baby at night.

"It might not work for you to split nights equally, but asking you to continue to lose sleep every single night is definitely not fair. You need rest. You need sleep. If you don’t get that, you will resent him. Resentment quickly turns to hate and divorce."

And others shared their practical suggestions for the couple, with several saying that the dad needs to step up during other parts of the day to give the mum a break.

"Your best bet is he gives you a few hours after work to nap and recover, and/or he goes to bed early and gives you a few hours before he goes to work. He should pull extra weight on weekends," one person advised.

"Something that has worked really well for us in the past is shifts," another mum explained. "So when he gets home you go to sleep early, even 7:00/8:00pm. He’s on duty until, say, midnight (and that doesn’t mean he stays up that late, just that if the baby needs something, he takes care of it). Then, after that, you’re getting up as needed. That will allow you to string together at least a few sleep cycles uninterrupted."

Originally published as My doctor husband's excuse for not getting up for night feeds is 'pathetic'