I hate spending Christmas Day with people who openly don't like me

"You can't even put up with them for one day?" my husband asked when I put my foot down this year.

My mother-in-law and I have rarely seen eye-to-eye.

There was never really one moment or one incident that led to the breakdown of our relationship - it was just exhausting years of her chipping away at everything I did or didn't do until I became fed up with trying to maintain a diplomatic facade.

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"A joyless occasion with no bonding"

But one episode stands out. It was after I gave birth to my second child.

After spending only two days in hospital following a C-Section (it was during the pandemic, and I desperately wanted to come home) she visited our home to see her new grandchild.

Apart from coming empty handed - both physically and emotionally - she went on to lecture me about pumping instead of breastfeeding. When I told her there were latching issues, she retorted: "That's because you're pumping - keep it natural with the next one".

Yes, I think that was the comment that set off the fireworks in my brain. I cried - not only because I felt so hurt but because I also felt so guilty about not being able to breastfeed. From that moment, I began to pull away, and as she never bothered to reach out, we just drifted to different sides of the island.

Which brings me to our current situation - Christmas.

We had spent that day at their place nearly every year. It was a joyless occasion that saw little bonding, and much tension. I was beginning to resent the fact that these would be the early Christmas memories of my daughters, but every time I tried to suggest something different, I was shut down. It wasn't "convenient" for them.

It all came to a head after they ignored my birthday for the second year in a row. I calmly informed my partner that I would not be spending Christmas with his family.

"You can't even put up with them for one day?" he asked.

"No" I said stubbornly. "I can't. Plus, I don't want my memories of Christmas day to be of arguments or to feel I'm around people who don't like me".

The fight simmered for a few days before we eventually reached a decision to hold two Christmases: one with his family - sans me - and one with mine. To my surprise, it hasn't turned out to be the logistical nightmare I was dreading. With Christmas day already decided, my partner found a date that worked for his family.

At first, the entire thing seemed complicated and somewhat silly - like we were participating in some B-Grade Christmas movie.

But as time went on and I began telling more people about my plans for the big day, I realised my situation was a lot more common.

A friend spoke about her "absolute refusal" to be in the same room as her sister-in-law, while a workmate detailed how much she "loathed Christmas day" as it meant having to spend it with her aunt, who spoils the entire occasion with the mean spiritedness of a drill sergeant: "She controls everything and orders everyone around, draining the fun out of the whole day."

Image: iStock

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"Should I suck it up?"

There are parts of me that feel sad about the whole situation. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could just get along? Is avoiding my problems (or in this case problem - being my mother-in-law) really the adult way to deal with such a situation?

Well, according to clinical psychologist Leila Gray it's not such a bad idea.

"It's OK to step out and not allow the conversation (or in my case, day) to go in a particularly kind of familiar way," she said, adding that it's especially relevant if there are so-called re-runs: "And you've seen that episode before and know what to expect."

The other option, according to Gray, is to ... well, suck it up.

“Try to remember that really we're all trying to be happy and to connect and have good relationships.”

OK, sure, I said, thinking to myself that she obviously hasn’tmet my mother-in-late, but I digress.

Leila continued: “We're not as good as we wish we were, and we should all give each other a bit of grace and a bit of slack.”

I told Leila it all sounded very adult and mature. But as far as mother-in-law was concerned, I had not yet cultivated the grace to forgive or at the very least tolerate her.

“Well,” she began, “when people aren't kind, they're the ones who are not in a happy place.

“What do we need when we're not in a happy place? We need understanding and we need care. So instead of taking it personally when someone is rude or argumentative to you during Christmas, just think to yourself: “Something must be really hard for them at the moment’. Remember this is about being the best version of yourself – so behave in a way that you’re proud of.”

I wish I could tell you I know how this story will end, but I don’t. However, the prospect of a ceasefire during important events such as birthdays is an option we might both be willing to entertain. Maybe. And that, in itself, is progress.

Originally published as I hate spending Christmas Day with people who openly don't like me