For nine months I 'forgot' I was pregnant, because of my past experiences

"I looked like an expectant mum, but mentally and emotionally, I was somewhere else entirely." Please note: sensitive topics

Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy, excitement, and anticipation.

But for me, as a Fertility IVF Warrior and down to the last remaining embryo in my IVF cycle – my third pregnancy was a whirlwind of distraction, anxiety, and avoidance. 

For nine months, I was so caught up in my fears, my work, and my past experiences that I more often than not forgot I was pregnant. 

Sure, my belly was growing and I looked every bit the expectant mother, but mentally and emotionally, I was somewhere else entirely.

Looking back, I realise this was my way of coping with deep-seated fears and anxieties about pregnancy after experiencing loss.

And now I see the lessons that came from this experience – lessons that I hope will inspire other parents navigating pregnancy after loss, trauma, or uncertainty.

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"Keep busy and keep moving"

My fertility journey hadn't been easy – four years with setback after setback and enormous heartbreak.

I’d suffered a miscarriage during my first pregnancy and I’d witnessed dear friends experience loss from their own miscarriages and stillbirths.

By the time I conceived again, the fear of loss was ingrained in me – the fear of our last remaining embryo not working, the fear of another loss and the residual trauma from my first pregnancy. Even after all the inner work I’d done, those fears were still there.

My subconscious response? Keep busy. Keep moving. Don’t let yourself feel too much.  

So, I threw myself into work. I was running a business, speaking at conferences, and trying to squeeze every moment of productivity out of my time before the baby arrived. I was telling myself that my time was about to become a whole lot more limited with two babies, which was true, but I was also afraid of getting too attached knowing it could be taken away just as quickly. 

I convinced myself that if I didn’t think too much about being pregnant, I wouldn’t have to confront the possibility of something going wrong. As the last remaining embryo in this cycle, there was a lot of pressure on it working. I didn't allow myself to connect with my baby, believing that if I could just make it through the pregnancy without getting too emotionally invested, maybe, just maybe I could avoid any heartbreak.  

Image: Supplied

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Self-Awareness is Key

It wasn’t until I consciously tuned into my body and my emotions that I realised I was repeating an old pattern – avoiding discomfort instead of facing it. 

Through breathwork, personal development work, and self-reflection, I reminded myself that past experiences don’t dictate future outcomes. Just because I’d experienced loss before didn’t mean it would happen again. Even if things didn’t go as planned, I had the strength to handle it.  

We all have these patterns – whether it’s fear, self-doubt, or the tendency to control things that are out of our hands. The key is recognising them and making a choice. Instead of letting fear dictate our journey, we can choose to anchor into the present moment and embrace what is, rather than what might be.   

Image: Supplied

Compassion for ourselves and our needs

Pregnancy, birth, and parenting are full of unknowns. We’re all works in progress, constantly learning and evolving. And that’s ok. 

One of the most powerful things we can do is extend compassion to ourselves – to acknowledge our fears, our mistakes, and our struggles without judgment.  

I used to think I had to have everything figured out before becoming a parent. But the reality is, none of us ever truly have it all figured out. What matters most is how we show up for ourselves and our children – with love, grace, and the willingness to grow.  

My greatest achievement to date

Despite everything (the anxiety, the distractions, the moments of doubt) when I finally held my daughter Willow in my arms, every ounce of fear melted away. It was worth it and I’d go through it all again. 

Being a mum to two daughters has been without a doubt my greatest achievement to date. Every sleepless night, every emotional struggle, every step of the journey led to this moment, and I wouldn’t change a thing.  

So for anyone reading this who's pregnant after loss or struggling with anxiety during pregnancy, know that it's ok to be scared. It's ok to need distractions. From my experience, it’s the heart's way of yearning for the most incredible source of love you’ll ever experience.

But also know that you have the power to choose how you experience this journey. The key is becoming aware of your patterns and directing your attention accordingly rather than being sucked into the downward fear spiral. 

Fear and love are all part of the human experience – we can't have one without the other.

And no matter how challenging the road may seem, the reward is always greater than the fear.

Pre-orders for my first book “The Search for Resilience” are now available. It’s the raw and honest and honest reflection of my journey to awaken my inner warrior in both life and business. Pre-order your copy here

Originally published as For nine months I 'forgot' I was pregnant, because of my past experiences