‘You need plastic surgery’: the brutality of the School Swimming Carnival

"There are taunts you can’t unhear when you’re half-dressed in front of your peers. But we can do something for the future.”

I wasn't allowed to attend my son's last ever school swimming carnival last week.

By him. He didn't want me there because he's too grown up for his mum to be seen publicly. (Don't worry - I'm still permitted into shops to pay for things for him, and to teach him how to drive.)

It had to happen at some stage, and I'm lucky because it has only recently.

But admittedly, being banned from the swimming carnival also broke my heart a little, because it's the first time in a few years that he even wanted to go. 

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RELATED: My daughter was body-shamed by ‘nasty little sods’ for a surprising reason

"You need plastic surgery"

I was definitely one of those kids who was brain with no brawn. My son isn't like that, he's just not inspired by the inherent competitive nature of sports.

His attitude hasn't been helped by the brutality of the school Swimming Carnival. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're lucky - and a minority.

Most people, either themselves as a kid, or through their own kids, know first-hand how being half-dressed in front of so many of your peers can feel. Nerve-wracking, terrifying, and then ingrained as a nightmare core memory.

I still remember how it felt when we had to wear the school bathers, but my size didn't have an underwire. Could I have been more exposed?

And then there are the comments you can't unhear.

My son - who had "the best day ever" - reported he overheard some cruel whispers as he moved amongst groups.

"He should wear a rashie, she needs underwire, they need shorts." 

Nasty, ignorant, immature. But one comment made him turn around: "You need plastic surgery."

He'd been running around (yes, running poolside, no wonder he didn't want me there), and heard the comment in passing - but clearly.

He told me he couldn't identify the bully, or the victim, in the throng, but had been ready to pounce and/or dob.

I was utterly crushed to hear this had happened. I mentioned it at work this morning, and another mum told me their school had record absences at their swimming carnival recently, and seemingly because the girls especially are too self-conscious in their bathers.

Image: Kidspot

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"Teach your kids to be 'body blind'."

A child telling another child that they need plastic surgery is so messed up, it sounds like a crisis to me. We have to take action.

Can we normalise not even noticing someone else's body? There's an entire generation at stake. We need to teach our kids to be 'body blind' - to not even consider bodies as a point of discussion.

I was raised with the message of 'body perfection' stuffed down my throat by the media. Gradually, I've managed to escape that mind-prison - thanks in part to the younger women I work with, and am friends with.

Those women don't ask "does my ass look big in this?" They get dressed in the morning and aren't thinking that their arms are 'flabby' or their 'gut is sticking out.'

Conversations about bodies shouldn't even be a thing. We shouldn't initiate them, or participate in them. It is not the same as asking someone what they've been watching on Netflix.

"Have you lost weight?", even adding something 'positive', is unnecessary. We need to role model this 'body blindness'.

And that includes setting boundaries about our own. As the old song from my childhood 450 years ago goes, "My body's nobody's body but mine. You run your own body let me run mine."

Nama and her son. Image: supplied

The Butterfly Foundation's advice on body image

Dr Stephanie Damiano, Manager of Butterfly Body Bright, told Kidspot about this story:

"Subtle or not so subtle comments about a child or young person’s weight, shape or appearance can have a devastaing and long-term impact on their relationship with their body, eating, physical activity, and their sense of identity. 

"It can impact a young person’s self-esteem and lead to body dissatisfaction, disordered eating and even an eating disorder – and we know that sadly, appearance-based discrimination is common.

"New research commissioned by Butterfly recently found that more than 3.1 million Australians have experienced appearance-based discrimination and 49% of this was on the basis of their weight. Shaming someone about their body doesn't in fact lead them to make 'healthier' choices, it can do the exact opposite.

• Role-modelling and language is critical. Avoid speaking negatively about bodies, food, eating, movement - your own and that of others. For example, instead of saying you’re going to gym to lose weight, try saying you’re going to gym to help your heart be healthy or stretch my muscles.
• Avoid making judgements and comments on the bodies of others (e.g., avoid saying a person in a larger body shouldn’t eat a particular food or needs to move more). Instead role model respect for all bodies. Remind your child that a person’s body size is not an indicator of their health status, and nor should it be used as a metric to judge a person’s character or value.  A healthy body can present in a range of shapes or sizes. 
• Adopt a zero tolerance for weight and appearance teasing, shaming and bullying — to yourself and others, face to face or online. Make your home an environment a space where teasing or jokes about how someone looks is never ok.
• Be mindful of how you talk about a child's body and eating. Avoid teasing about appearance (even if it's meant with affection), comparing their appearance to others, and avoid saying things like “if you eat any more of that you're going to get fat”. Avoid encouraging a child to lose weight/diet.
• If your child is the one experiencing the teasing, help your child to see that their body is not the problem, the teasing behaviour itself is the problem. Avoid encouraging your child to change who they are or how they look to avoid further teasing. This usually doesn’t help to stop teasing, and can lead to greater dissatisfaction in your child and potentially harmful behaviours and attitudes.
• Instead help your child to develop a safe strategy or ‘comeback’ if negative comments are made, and a positive strategy to support their wellbeing (e.g., talking to a friend, sharing a hug etc).
• Help a child appreciate that they are more than their body and how it looks. Help them to celebrate who they are, their interests, strengths, what makes them unique; but also help them to develop an appreciation for what their body allows them to do (e.g., take a moment to thank your bodies for something amazing it did today) 

Given this is happening at schools, we would also be urging schools to adopt a zero tolerance policy to appearance-based teasing and bullying. Butterfly has resources available to help, including Body Kind Schools and our primary school program, Butterfly Body Bright.

For confidential & free support for eating disorders call the Butterfly National Helpline on 1800 ED HOPE (1800 33 4673) or visit www.butterfly.org.au to chat online or email.   

Originally published as ‘You need plastic surgery’: the brutality of the School Swimming Carnival