Nadia Bokody: Hilarious sex post angering men

When Nadia Bokody posted a comedic Instagram reel, she got a very unexpected reaction from her male followers.

A few weeks ago, I posted an Instagram reel about men who finish quickly in bed.

In the clip, I jested women should block and delete them, and perhaps, just for fun, leave a bag of dog poop on their doorsteps.

To be clear, I don’t actually endorse depositing excrement on your date’s front porch. I also wasn’t making light of the very real issue that is premature ejaculation, which is a complex condition that can’t be distilled in a 15-second video.

Evidently though, the internet is a volatile place where jokes rarely land as intended, and this needs to be said. Because, while the overwhelming reaction to my post was LOL-face emojis and comments along the lines of “OMG this is hilarious!”, there was a segment of men in the comments section who seemed to miss my sarcasm entirely.

Nadia Bokody talks about the ‘hilarious sex post angering men’.

Their responses ranged from defensive: “Talking with your partner about sex and asking them if they came? What a terrible thing to do. I mean, it’s not as if qualified sex therapists encourage honest open conversation,” to wounded: “I’m unfollowing … Apparently most men don’t have any feelings,” to very triggered: “Good luck being alone for the rest of your life buddy!”

And though it’s tempting to dedicate the rest of this column to pointing out the hypocrisy of dudes who call women overly sensitive and insist we don’t know how to take a joke, I’m far more interested in investigating what these reactions say about the pressure our culture places on men to perform sexually.

There’s an obvious difference between the type of men I was talking about in my video – guys who use women as stand-ins for their own hand (let’s just call them what they are: selfish douchebags) – and men who are actively trying to be better lovers but falling short thanks to the poor sex education they’re given.

The clip was about men who finish quickly in bed – and she jested women should block and delete them.

Because there’s no module on the G-spot in health class, or the significant distinction between internal versus external stimulation when it comes to the female orgasm. Hell, we equip young people with so little knowledge about women’s bodies, 44 per cent of men can’t even correctly identify the clitoris (at least not according to this 2013 survey).

And it’s not just the clitoris we’re confused about. A more recent UK survey found 52 per cent of people weren’t able to locate or accurately describe the function of the vagina.

It’s unsurprising, then, so many men end up turning to porn to fill in the gaps left behind by sex ed.

But on the pages of RedTube, they’re taught orgasms occur almost exclusively via penetration, and factors like foreplay, reaching for a bottle of personal lubricant, checking in, and extended clitoral stimulation aren’t necessary.

In porn, women climax easily and freely and almost always via the insertion of a penis completely unrepresentative of the average-sized guy. Men are led to believe the measure of their masculinity is in how closely they stack up in length and girth to these exaggerated images, not how attuned they are to their partner’s needs.

After the clip angered some men she delved deeper into what the reactions say about the ‘pressure our culture places on men to perform sexually’. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

Unfortunately, using porn as a kind of pleasure manual is a little like trying to learn about healthy romantic love via rom-coms (spoiler alert: your future husband isn’t going to show up in a limousine outside your apartment declaring he’s here to rescue you from a destitute existence; or dangle off a Ferris wheel to capture your attention. Also, if he does either of these things, he should probably be evaluated by a therapist.)

And so, we find ourselves here, swimming in a sea of confusion and ambiguity about the true mechanics of female pleasure whilst fighting an ever-strengthening tide of toxic masculinity that compels men to feel shame and rage around even the most minor of sexual shortcomings.

The issue isn’t that men can’t enjoy jokes made playfully at their expense. It’s that humour focused around male sexual inadequacy hits a little too close to home for a lot of guys.

And why wouldn’t it?

In the same breath as we’re encouraging young men to rack up as many notches as possible in their bedposts, advising them the true mark of manhood is in pleasuring women, we tell them they should just instinctively know how it’s done. And we reflect that back to them in pop culture sex scenes and porn, where the impossibly chiselled male protagonists never, ever pause to ask their partners, “Am I doing this the way you like?”

The solution to this issue isn’t something I can distil in a 15-second video, or even in an 800-word column. It’s multi-layered and steeped in decades of cultural conditioning that aren’t easily dismantled (though I hope at the least, my work is taking a small step in that direction).

That’s probably not the satisfying, feel-good conclusion you came here to read. Maybe I’m even cutting this a little short … But abrupt endings are a part of life – especially in the bedroom. (Come on, you knew where this was going.)

And if we don’t learn to accept them from time to time, and yes – even laugh about them, we’re going to end up crying, like angry men in the comments section, accidentally telling on themselves to the entire internet.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.

Originally published as Nadia Bokody: Hilarious sex post angering men