‘I haven’t had sex with my wife for four months, is an affair OK?’

A husband has disclosed how the lack of “sexual gratification” in his marriage has left him considering taking extreme measures.

‘I haven’t had sex with my wife for four months. Is it OK to have an affair?’ Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie warns a man against having an affair.

QUESTION: I’m considering having an affair even though I don’t really want to. The problem is, my wife is so disinterested in sex that we haven’t had it for four months. I try to instigate it but she makes excuses or pretends she’s asleep. I’ve recently been fantasising about sleeping with a woman at work and we’ve started sending flirty messages. Is it OK to have a sexual affair with a woman from work if I’m not getting any sexual gratification at home? I don’t have any interest in my workmate beyond sex.

ANSWER: Relationships are complex. It’s painful to feel like your needs aren’t being met in a relationship. I do understand that relationships frequently break down to the point that one person considers or embarks on an affair. However, I’m not going to condone deceiving and betraying your wife. You’re not being forced into this affair, you’re potentially choosing it.

‘I’ve recently been fantasising about sleeping with a woman at work and we’ve started sending flirty messages.’ Picture: iStock

Considering having an affair is a sign your relationship is in trouble

I’ve worked with relationships long enough to know that there’s more going on here than just your needs not being met. I suspect your wife isn’t getting her needs met either – though what she prioritises in your relationship might be slightly different than you.

Having an affair won’t solve these problems for either of you. It goes without saying that having an affair risks your relationship entirely.

People lack desire in sex for good reasons

Lack of sexual intimacy isn’t the cause of relationship unhappiness, but a symptom of much more going on. People lose their desire for sex for good reasons. I’m curious about the reasons your wife has little interest in sex right now.

I’ve shared before that desire is best considered as a car, with brakes and accelerators. Most people who’ve lost desire have a number of brakes impacting them.

Common sexual brakes are:

• Tiredness/exhaustion

• Carrying the mental load

• Disconnection or tension in a relationship

• Stress/anxiety

• Changed body after children

• Identity changes after children

• Not enjoying the sex they’ve been having

‘I suspect that wife isn’t getting her needs met either – though what she prioritises in your relationship might be slightly different than you.’ Picture: iStock

Not having your sexual needs met is painful

I do understand that not having your sexual needs met is painful. It can leave you feeling rejected, lonely and unloved.

Unfortunately, often the ways in which the higher desire partner voices their hurt or dissatisfaction with the amount of sex in a relationship tends to further reduce their partner’s interest.

The grass is greener where you water it

Relationships thrive where both people make an effort in them, learn to manage conflict well and make meeting each other’s needs a priority.

Your relationship needs attention. While increasing the frequency of sex might make you happier in this relationship, I can guarantee there will still be issues that will ultimately damage the relationship if not addressed.

There are likely deeply entrenched patterns of behaviour from both of you that have led to the emotional and sexual disconnection present right now. Changing this will take some time and is often easier with support.

A couples therapist and sexologist can help. Picture: iStock

Most of us didn’t get taught the skills for thriving intimate relationships, so we’re left doing our best and trying to figure it out on our own.

Seeing a couples therapist – or in your case and couples therapist and sexologist – who can help you address the challenges you’re facing, and provide tools for watering the proverbial garden, can help.

I suggest speaking to your wife about the extent of your hurt and dissatisfaction and strongly asking her to take action with you. Only taking action together can help your relationship in the long term. Continuing with the status quo will build hurt and resentment for both of you. Having an affair risks everything you share together.

Recovering your relationship from here won’t be easy, but it will be possible if you’re both committed to it.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as ‘I haven’t had sex with my wife for four months, is an affair OK?’