The art every traveller should master

SORRY guys, but we really need to talk about this. This is a no-holds-barred guide to relieving yourself in an Eastern-style lavatory. Trust us, you’ll be grateful.

Every Western traveller who’s been to Asia will be able to relate.

YOU’RE in Asia. It’s a hot night, and you’re keen to sample the local delicacies.

Maybe it’s fiery vindaloo, kung pao chicken, or pad kra pao with a spicy kick. Either way, your plans to drink exotic cocktails under the stars are interrupted by a sudden — and urgent — call from nature.

There’s not enough time to go back to your hotel. It’s a code brown. Hurriedly, you ask for directions to the nearest available loo, and find yourself looking at this ...

Which way do you face? Where’s the toilet paper? What’s the tap for?

You panic (and in your current state, that’s almost enough to cause a catastrophe). What do you do? Here’s a quick guide to the questions you’re too embarrassed to ask:

1. GET INTO POSITION

First-time users may want to strip off everything below their waist. That sounds a little extreme, but beware: riding the squat toilet wave can become messy, and fast. Turn so you’re facing the door, and place one foot on either side. Often, there will be textured squares to show you where to go. You want your toes to be at the narrower end, and your heels at the business end.

Also, it’s worth emptying your pockets beforehand.

2. EMBRACE THE SQUAT

It’s time to make your personal trainer proud. Lower yourself into a deep squat, with your knees pointed to the ceiling and your quads relaxed. Your weight should be in your heels, not your toes — you’re evacuating your bowels, not wicketkeeping a fast ball from Mitchell Starc.

It’s also been suggested that squatting has significant health benefits, like relaxing your colon and lowering the risk of haemorrhoids, so channel your inner yogi and learn to love it.

This helpful graphic may cause more confusion than clarity.

3. BUSINESS TIME

When it comes to number ones: ladies, hang onto your pants. Tuck your waistband AND your hems under your knees, so everything is out of the way. Position yourself as far back as possible, and lean forward as much as you can. Gentlemen, far be it from me to tell you what to do, but please make sure you aim carefully.

As for number twos ... relax, and let gravity take its course.

4. CLEANING UP

Most squat toilets will have a hose, or a ladle you can fill from a tap. Hold these with your right hand, squirting or splashing water where you need it, and use your left hand to wipe. If you use enough water, the mess will take care of itself. Hover a moment longer, and evaporation will leave you dry and fresh. You may find it reassuring to know science is on your side.

Whatever you do, don’t block up the pipes with toilet paper.

5. A NOTE ON TOILET PAPER

Toilet paper is not common in Asia, so don’t be surprised if there’s none in your cubicle. You can bring your own, but chances are the plumbing won’t be equipped to deal with it. In many tourists areas, a bin will be provided instead.

6. FLUSH AND GO

If you find a toilet with a button to press or a chain to pull, I’ll leave you to your own devices. However, if you find yourself picking up a bucket with a quizzical expression on your brow, listen up.

The bucket basically works the same way as the cistern on your toilet at home. Fill it up, aim at the hole, pour slowly until you’re sure the toilet is draining (trust me, you don’t want to learn that the hard way), then dump the rest on top.

7. HYGIENE

The floor is almost guaranteed to be wet, and you probably don’t want to know whether or not that’s water. Needless to say, footwear is essential. One of the best things about squatting is that regardless of how clean the person was before you, you don’t actually have to touch anything.

Second, hand sanitiser is critical. Rinse your hands under the tap, dry them, then apply a liberal amount of an alcohol-based disinfectant.