Nine confessions from B&B owners

A COUPLE who own a B&B has revealed what really goes on, and it’s just as sordid as you’d expect. This will change the way you think about accommodation.

PLENTY of people dream about quitting their day job, buying that fixer-upper farmhouse, and opening a bed and breakfast.

Those B&B owners seem so happy. Don’t they?

Well, everything isn’t quite as idyllic as it seems. We asked one set of innkeepers — “Bob and Emily” — to anonymously spill the beans on what really happens behind those perfectly painted shutters. And it’s sordid.

Here are nine things you probably don’t want to know the next time you check into that seemingly quaint country B&B.

1. Those old walls aren’t good at blocking sound

They hear it all.

We hear the long and short of things on a nightly basis. Insider tip: shower walls are acoustic amplifiers, too. Watch out not to wake the whole house.

Speaking of showers, funny how the row of shower tiles at waist height are always the ones that come loose — we’re just sayin’ …

2. A huge part of our operational budget is spent on cleaning supplies

Our guests enjoy outdoor activities, which means we shampoo muddy carpets a lot, but it’s the activity that takes place behind closed doors (usually) that requires buckets of sanitising solution.

And don’t get us started on laundry issues. Let’s just say that there’s hydrogen peroxide involved. Trust us when we tell you that some people are overachievers.

3. We know what you’re up to.

If you tell us that you will not actually be staying the night but need an early check-in, it’s pretty obvious what’s going on. That was the case of a state official, who showed up with a companion one morning in business attire and left well before quitting time. We filed his name under, “in case we need help with THAT permit”.

4. Men aren’t the only ones sneaking around

Women sneak around too.

But women seem a little smarter about it. We get calls from women asking questions about our privacy policies.

Do we give out any information about guests (past, present, or current) if someone calls? Does the room share a wall with another room? Are there parking spaces that aren’t visible from the entrance road?

5. Staying in a B&B is apparently a spiritual thing

We once had a self-proclaimed spiritual adviser from our small town check into the jacuzzi suite alone. Nothing unusual about that, except that during her four-night stay, three different men came and went. Wonder what kind of advice they got.

Another couple met here, each arriving at different times, each in a rental car. He mentioned having written a book, so we looked him up. (Yes, we do that.) Turns out that they, too, were spiritual advisers. His website had a photo of his lovely wife, whom we did not recognise, and a testimonial from his colleague, whom we did. Pretty sure they were collaborating on a new project.

And then there was the preacher and the church secretary. They also stayed in our jacuzzi suite. Maybe there was a baptism involved.

6. Things attached to the headboard can be problematic

Handcuffs on show.

We have a headboard in storage with one metal handcuff tightly encompassing the left-hand post. Begs the question, “What happened to the other half?”

There was no easy way to cut it off without damaging the headboard so we took it out of service. Bob even asked a deputy sheriff if handcuff keys were standardised in some way. We no longer make eye contact when we run into that deputy in town.

7. We keep a file on you

A repeat guest who brings his wife and kids hesitantly pulled Bob aside once to report some late-night action he had witnessed on a picnic table.

Not sure what he thought we’d do with the knowledge. It’s kind of an awkward conversation starter so we didn’t say anything to the guests he reported, but we did flag their file, “loves midnight picnics.”

8. We quit being surprised by people’s escapades years ago

They do it inside, outside, in the lake, and even on our rental boats. We carry hand sanitiser with us when we gather sheets because we never know what we will find in, around, and under the beds.

Interestingly, battery-powered devices come in various shapes and sizes. These are quite imaginative in design. We have special tongs for handling these.

9. Some of the top things left behind in the room include …

Underwear is often left behind.

Men’s undies between the sheets at the foot of the bed. (Boxers outnumber briefs two to one, in case you wondered.) We also find undies of all shapes, sizes, and colours.

There seems to be a correlation between size and the distance they are found from the bed. Large sizes are usually in the bed; tiny ones get flung across the room, landing behind TV’s and fridges.

Frilly bras are rarely found in the bed, but hanging on the bedposts is quite common. Dangling from the ceiling fan is the second most common place.

This article originally appeared on Yahoo Travel and was sourced via the New York Post.