‘Steamy’: Campaign takes hot turn as Albanese, Morrison debates begin to resemble Bachelor plot

It might not be a love story for the ages, but with the big day just a week away, things are really heating up on the campaign trail.

“It’s pretty steamy.”

So said Anthony Albanese on the election trail on Thursday, as though he were remarking on an especially randy season of The Bachelor.

I’ll give you the disappointingly mundane context for that comment in a moment, but first … when you think about it, and use a bit of imagination, there is actually the faintest hint of a Bachelor-worthy love-hate plot line running through this election campaign.

HEAR ME OUT.

The first debate between Mr Albanese and the Prime Minister was like a terrible, irredeemably flat first date. They had no chemistry. Both men droned on endlessly about themselves, neither listening to the other.

Debate/date two was a different kind of trainwreck, but it at least represented progress. Scott and Anthony discovered some passion. Harsh, unfair words were spoken. Beneath the bickering was an undercurrent of tension.

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These two have been on quite the journey together. Picture: Mick Tsikas – Pool/Getty Images

Then, at the final debate/date on Wednesday, they found a balance. Coaxed by Mark Riley – the Osher Gunsberg of Australian politics – Scott and Anthony admitted they didn’t hate everything about each other.

Sure, Scott would never trust Anthony with the family finances, but he admired him for staying true to his roots. And sure, Anthony believed Scott was a serial liar, but he acknowledged they shared some important values about mental health.

I could point to other things. Scott won’t stop talking about Anthony’s “magic wand”, for instance, even if he’s not a fan of the nerdy Harry Potter glasses.

The point is, there’s enough material for the Channel 10 producers to work with. A sneaky edit here, a twisting of words there, some cheesy dramatic music. I’m not saying it’s a love story for the ages, but at least we’d all go into the series finale thinking Scott and Anthony could reconcile their differences and end up together.

The outcome, in other words, would arrive with more suspense than we’re expecting to endure on May 21 (the usual caveats about polling accuracy apply).

A love match? Picture: Alex Ellinghausen – Pool/Getty Images

Anyway, it was humid in central Queensland on Thursday.

The media pack hung around for an hour and 40 minutes as it waited for the Labor leader to show up for his press conference at an oil refinery near Gladstone.

I’ll paint you a picture, dear reader: the impossibly high humidity of central Queensland pressing down on you. The pungent waft of oil fumes in the air, filling your nostrils and addling your brain. The occasional gust of wind giving a moment of respite.

Or as Albo would later describe it: things were pretty steamy. That was his excuse for starting to wrap up the presser, you see. Too hot.

“We’ll have just a couple more. It’s pretty steamy out here!”

Before that we got a few Albanese staples. He told off reporters for shouting at him – something that was only necessary because he’d chosen a spot where people’s voices were being drowned out by the refinery.

“The loudest yeller doesn’t get the first question,” he said admonishingly, apparently having never watched his own shouty performances at the dispatch box during Question Time.

He brandished a dollar coin at the cameras to drive home his message on wage growth. This is a new addition to Mr Albanese’s repertoire – he debuted it at the third debate – but you sense he’s chuffed with it, and it will therefore remain in the rotation for some time.

Anthony Albanese on the campaign trail in Gladstone on Thursday with his shiny dollar coin. Picture: Sam Ruttyn

Matters of substance were also addressed. Mr Albanese stuck by his position that a Labor government will make a submission to the Fair Work Commission arguing for the minimum wage to rise in line with the cost of living, though he still wouldn’t commit to a specific number.

He called for “competition without catastrophe” in Australia’s relationship with China, echoing the Biden administration in the United States.

He accused Mr Morrison of being too chicken to go on any ABC programs (the Prime Minister actually has done a handful of ABC interviews, but the emphasis is certainly on “handful”).

The afternoon hours brought a shift in weather and setting, as the campaign moved to a pre-poll location in rain-soaked Brisbane.

We were told it had been bucketing down there all day, and that there was very little cover. Perhaps that would yield some drama? Imagine the alternative prime minister struggling futilely with an inside-out umbrella, like George W. Bush trying to don a poncho. It could have been the death knell for him.

Alas, the weather limited itself to a light drizzle. Mr Albanese briefly met some Labor volunteers, as their counterparts from all the other parties watched on politely. There weren’t even any hecklers.

Another day without campaign-derailing drama down. Just over a week to go.