James Weir recaps Barnaby Joyce’s appearance at the Sky News Pub Test

Barnaby Joyce looked bored throughout the Sky News Pub Test but he had one trick up his sleeve. This is where the other candidates fell short.

Barnaby Joyce is a man in pain, and it showed at Tuesday night’s Sky News Pub Test in Tamworth, where his unique brand of bored-disdain propelled him to take down an old lady in the final seconds of the live broadcast.

The New England MP is worn out by life and love. Two years of his personal life being under the glare of the media has left him hollowed. One year of sleepless nights and changing nappies has made him weary, and that weariness will be two-fold when his partner and former staffer Vikki Campion gives birth to their second bub in the coming weeks and they steal Meghan and Harry’s thunder.

Life has taken its toll on Barnaby. And it was clear at West Tamworth Leagues Club last night where he begrudgingly joined a panel of four other randoms who are running for his seat of New England this election to answer unknown questions from a group of voters. He looked positively thrilled.

‘I just came for the Keno’.

We just came to see Vikki. Picture: Channel 7

Where was Vikki? She wasn’t there. Disappointing. She’s kinda the whole reason we all rolled up. Still, we understand. The event kicked off at 9.30pm and it was probably too late to find a babysitter for Sebastian and, yes, we have no doubt she and Barnaby sat at the kitchen bench analysing if it was still too soon to ask Nat to watch the kid, so Vikki just pulled the pin and stayed home.

It was the right decision. Besides, Natalie doesn’t have time for random babies when she has all those barbells to lift and was probably spending the evening at the Anytime Fitness in town.

FYI, bit of local knowledge: that gym is around the corner from Barnaby’s electorate office — the one where Nat whirled up to Vikki and called her a “home wrecking wh*re” in a now-infamous showdown. I don’t have the stats, but the site of that confrontation is probably a bigger tourist attraction for the town than The Big Golden Guitar. Council should organise for re-enactments to be performed on the hour. I’d willingly play Vikki.

What we really wanted was for Natalie Joyce to rock up in this outfit. Picture: Ignacio Tse

Anyway, Barnaby arrived at the leagues club alone and just kept to himself. Before he hit the panel, he was put in the makeup chair and the girl kept flicking her makeup brush over his face for a really long time, attempting to subdue his prominent shade of pink, until she realised there’s literally nothing that can be done about that situation. So he popped a spring roll in his mouth, hiked his jeans up by the waistband and shuffled up to the panel.

Barnaby’s a rock star in Tamworth. It doesn’t make sense to most of us, but it’s true. For years, we’ve all been thinking he’s a complete nutbag thanks to his shouty ramblings in interviews. Oh, and there was that time he wanted to kill Johnny Depp’s dogs. But here in Tamworth, he’s beloved.

It’s easy to see why. While we all think he sounds like a crazy person on TV, when he’s slumped next to the other candidates he’s up against, he’s a scholar. His trick? Say… anything. Something. Even if the question doesn’t make sense, just rant some words until you’re redder in the face. This is where the other candidates fell short.

One question confused everyone — even host Paul Murray. It was something about charging farmers for rainwater. It’s not a thing but apparently it could be a thing. No one understood.

“We’re in a world of confusion here,” Paul Murray shook his head.

“Can someone else answer it? I don’t get … the… question?” the guy from the Greens replied as all the other candidates looked around.

Barnaby rolled his eyes. Is there even an answer to this question? Dunno. But Barnaby meandered into a reply and landed at a conclusion he knew no one would object to.

“…That is socialism! Socialism leads to communism! Communism leads to complete anarchy!” he declared. The crowd went wild.

Vikki, Sebastian and family man Barnaby.

Linking rain water and communism is exactly what the crowd wanted to hear. Is Barnaby correct? None of us know. Particularly because the reply was to a question about a concept that’s not even being practised. But Barnaby was the only one with an answer, so who are we to argue? He said it very confidently, and if you say something confidently enough, the world will believe you.

It was just one of many rounds of thunderous applause Barnaby received over the hour. But even with the leagues club in his hand, he still grimaced at having to be there and associate with the people he’s up against. He doesn’t see these weirdos as competition.

At one point, Labor’s Yvonne Langenberg didn’t understand a question so Barnaby rolled his eyes again and exhaled before leaning in to explain it to her. “She’s not gonna win anyway,” he thought to himself.

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‘I wonder what Pistol and Boo are doing right now.’

Barnaby was the big dog and he knew exactly what to say to the folks in the bar. While other candidates got voters off-side with their positions and sometimes refused to even give an answer, Barnaby played to the crowd.

Live exports? “Vital!”

How to improve local economy? “Invest more!”

Water? “Communism!”

Each response huffed by Barnaby made the room erupt. He somehow manages to shout while also appearing to be completely disinterested as well as slightly irritated that someone made him leave the house and/or wake up that day.

Maybe we’d drank too much of the bar’s weird rosé that came out of the beer tap, but Barnaby suddenly seemed like a genius. Maybe we’ve all been wrong this whole time. Maybe we’re the idiots and Barnaby’s always been right about everything. Even about Pistol and Boo.

Barnaby sailed through the hours-worth of boring questions and the forum was about to wrap. He got to the end of the night a little too easily. Most of the unknown questions were in his favour. But that changed in the final second. Barnaby tripped.

The wobbly question came from an older woman. She has a name but I don’t remember it and I don’t feel like going back through my notes to find out, so let’s call her Erma.

Erma threw a curveball. I know, that’s so Erma.

“Gardesil vaccine prevents cancer of the cervix. On the 27th of January 2006 Barnaby Joyce opposed the free provision of Gardesil vaccine. He was quoted as saying, ‘Don’t put something out that gives a 12-year-old daughter of mine the license to be promiscuous’. Does Mr Joyce still hold this view?” Erma asked.

Erma’s a bold lady. With a single question, she broke Barnaby’s boredom. And he had a complete barney.

“That article was one of the most atrocious, misquotings of me,” he fired back at Erma. “My father’s a vet, my mother’s a physio. I had to deal for years after that reporter put that out! (It’s) absolute garbage. Of course I support something that’s going to save people’s life.”

He was already kind of giving it to Erma as well as the article in general, but then he really went and roused on the old lady.

“You don’t understand. Just because you read it, doesn’t mean I said it,” he scolded.

It’s at this point we thought he was going to scream “fake news!” but then he realised he was yelling at an old lady so decided to rein it in. Even Barnaby has some self awareness, though delayed.

With an old lady promptly torn to shreds, the show wrapped and Barnaby began eyeballing the exit. At other Pub Tests, the big dogs sometimes stay around for a beer with the locals to prove they’re one of the people. Tony did it in Warringah. But Barnaby wanted to get far away.

He made a swift escape up past the pokies, and was escorted outside by a team of security.

Asked if he’d like to answer a few questions, he replied, “give me 10 seconds” before scurrying out the door.

He was on the run. He hightailed it to his white 4WD as his guards picked up the pace. The car door slammed shut. A knuckle tapped his window three times.

“It’s been 10 seconds,” we said.

He looked up and stared through the glass. The fluorescent lights in the carpark illuminated his face and revealed a jagged, manic smile. Even through the tinted window, his complexion was an overwhelming shade of pink. He raised his hand and splayed out his fingers to give a taunting wave. “Bye bye,” he mouthed while choking on a laugh. As he revealed more teeth and began to chortle, his eyes widened.

Finally, for a second, Barnaby felt alive.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir