James Weir recaps an excruciating week behind-the-scenes on the election trail

This is the side of the Australian election you don’t see. James Weir recaps the behind-the-scenes chaos of the campaign trail.

In a week where Scott Morrison faced off against Bill Shorten and a series of candidates were nixed because of Facebook rants that rival those bashed out by your manic aunt, it was the perfect opportunity to take this weekly column on the road and join the travelling circus that is the election campaign.

Don’t roll your eyes. I’m well aware that, just last week, this page featured a longer-than-it-needed-to-be analysis of how amazing Jennifer Garner is. It’s called variety.

This column is synonymous with razor-sharp political coverage. Julie Bishop has featured prominently over the past year — mainly alongside the suggestion that she’d make a really great 2IC of that new shoe level at David Jones Elizabeth St. It’s all about light and shade.

So we hailed down the bus and, when they asked who we were, we proudly declared our name was Michelle Grattan and we sashayed down the aisle, no questions asked.

First order of business? A Google search: What does “franking” mean?

You know when “franking” is the hot topic of conversation on a road trip, good times are ahead. “Franking” is the buzz word of this election but ask anyone on the street and I guarantee most won’t know what it means.

Except all the other journalists on the media bus. They all have lots of in-jokes about franking and I guess you’ve got to live in Canberra to truly appreciate the gag.

It’s not hard to feel like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde while on the campaign bus. Especially when the only preparation you’ve done is packing a series of cute outfits for when you appear in the background of Sky News crosses.

All the other political reporters live in Canberra and are very smart and don’t know what Married At First Sight is. Politics editor Annika Smethurst cracks a joke about Bill Shorten’s retiree tax and then everyone laughs so you laugh but the difference is they know why they’re laughing.

James Weir is hitting the road on the election trail. Pictures: AAP Image/Darren England, Mick Tsika

Still, it’s hard to take anything seriously when it’s unfolding on a bus that has been dubbed the “ScoMobile” by the PMs advisers Amy Brookheimer and Dan Egan.

That’s not their actual names — they’re the names of Selena Meyer’s advisers on Veep. I can’t remember the real names of ScoMo’s team because when they introduced themselves, everyone was laughing really loudly about a preference deal joke and I didn’t hear properly.

The carefully staged manner of the campaign is what makes it so brilliant. Look over here! It’s Scott Morrison eating an apple at an orchard in the outskirts of Launceston! Wow, he must really care about agriculture.

“I love apples!” Jenny Morrison exclaims to no one in particular at the orchard. I bet you bloody do, Jenny. Who doesn’t love apples?

The campaign is very serious business and journalists need to be there to document history in the making. How else would the public know that champion axeman David Foster gifted ScoMo a block of wood with his face carved into it? The people have a right to witness such an iconic moment in the country’s narrative.

Scott wants to talk about that day’s very boring policy announcement, but no one cares. We just want photos of him looking funny while eating an apple and then almost tripping over a soccer ball while playing with kids who think he’s just a weird local dad.

Of course, nothing ever goes to plan. The leaders often set off on a street walk, where they shuffle through a very busy area surrounded by their team and a media pack and try to prove that they know how to talk to the average Aussie. But then all the average Aussies get annoyed that a crazy man surrounded by boom mics is harassing them and they huff off.

“Throw him in the river!” someone yelled as they jogged past Scott Morrison.

“I’d spit on him!” another called.

“He smiled at us. That’s what scared me the most,” a teenage girl deadpanned after Bill Shorten disrupted a busy Westfield during peak Saturday trading.

Each day, Scott and Bill announce something thrilling about waterways or old people or building some kind of soccer field, and, each day, another scandal breaks which is so much more fun to ask them about.

The journalists are tired and hungry and sometimes feeling the effects of bad aeroplane wine which only makes them want answers even more. One day, word spread that there were snacks on Bill Shorten’s media bus. Bitterness and rage was felt by the weak-yet-hangry journos on the ScoMobile and they let the PM have it at the next press conference. Do we really want a prime minister who doesn’t believe in snacks?

The future of our country is nothing we should be joking about and the presence of journalists on the campaign is vital for the purpose of holding leaders to account. So when ScoMo arrives at an abandoned park for an announcement, it’s important to not ask anything about the money he’s promising and instead quiz him on why his candidates don’t seem to know the number one rule of the internet: that screenshots live forever.

Yes. That would be a terrific thing to ask about. But when everyone starts yelling and trying to get their question answered, it’s more tempting to just throw a curveball.

“Prime minister, if you were a Spice Girl which one would you be?!” was the only question that came to mind in every press conference.

The trick to looking smart at press conferences is just acting like other people have already asked the question you were going to.

“Prime minister, have you ruled out any more changes to childcare?” The Australian’s Primrose Riordan asks.

And then you jump in and yell: “Yeah, what she said!”

You can also switch it up with, “Ugh, exactly!” and, “Right on!”.

Guarantee, you’ll look like you know what you’re doing.

Like a bad reality TV show, we only want to witness the trainwreck. One minute ScoMo’s accepting a wood carving of his face, the next he awkwardly comes face-to-face with under-fire candidate Jessika Whelan at a country fair, and Annika Smethurst is running after them shouting questions while eating a hash brown and wearing gumboots she just purchased from a stall holder.

”Jessica what do you think about penalty rates?!” came Annika’s final question as Jessica ran through the rain and hurled her body into a 4WD.

So who will be our prime minister come May 18? There are still two weeks of campaigning left and many questions yet to be answered. Especially about what franking means and which Spice Girl they’d be.

A TELEVISION REVOLUTION

The shock departure of Virginia Trioli from ABC News Breakfast has opened up a space for Karl Stefanovic to make a much-anticipated return to morning TV screens.

Could you imagine? The show has already enjoyed a recent win in the ratings against Today. The addition of Karl could send numbers through the roof. Michael and Karl against Georgie and Deb. A show hosted by two men? You just don’t see it every day. It’s a truly phenomenal concept.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir