Exposed: Secrets from PM’s campaign revealed by James Weir

Gonzo journalist James Weir put his body on the line to expose secrets from the Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s election campaign.

Australian politics is nothing if not the country’s longest running reality show.

And as we enter the fifth week of the federal election campaign trail, this is the point where things get messy. The leaders are tired. The journalists in the travelling media packs are delirious.

It has reached the point where nothing is off limits. There’s backstabbing and blindsiding. Drama. Embarrassing mistakes that then get turned into memes.

And then there’s the stuff they don’t want you to know. Who’s “they”? The leaders, their teams – and even the journalists and crews who make up the media contingent.

In search of Australia’s elusive rose, (the office of Prime Minister) Scott Morrison even massaged a baby’s feet. Picture: Jason Edwards

Inside that media pack, there’s only one rule: what happens on the bus, stays on the bus.

Until now.

How is this information coming to light? In a tenacious example of dogged journalism, I donned Groucho Marx glasses to sneak onto the Prime Minister’s media bus this week as it travelled around the country.

James Weir and Michelle Grattan – who’s who? Picture: Supplied.

“What’s your name?” one of the PM’s advisers asked upon boarding.

“Michelle Grattan,” I called over my shoulder and breezed by.

What you’re about to read are the salacious, tawdry and explosively innocuous details neither our Prime Minister or the journalists holding him to account want you to know.

WHAT HAPPENS ON THE BUS, STAYS ON THE BUS – UNTIL …

News Corp can exclusively report the PM’s bus was almost forced to make an emergency stop on a Perth highway after one member of the travelling media contingent completely pommeled the on-board lavatory and filled the glass-enclosed cabin with a smell that can only be described as four dimensional.

Suffocated journalists gasped for air and threatened to use the “break in case of emergency” hammer to escape from the windows of the speeding vehicle.

The toilet on the bus is locked behind a door and requires a key to access it. Since Friday’s incident, it has come to light that the bus driver issued a warning before handing over the key: “Number ones only”.

As they say, rules were made to be broken.

Worryingly, the moment – reminiscent of the Prime Minister‘s own long-rumoured incident at Engadine Macca’s – isn’t a one-off.

“Yeah, nah, just a medium Big Mac meal please mate.” Picture: Supplied.

Two more journalists on the trail this week have spoken off the record with News Corp about experiencing severe food poisoning after consuming burgers at a luxury Sydney hotel – a location selected by the PM’s own team.

Is someone in the Prime Minister’s office attempting to sabotage journalists?

Only one thing’s for certain: What happens on the bus, stays on the bus … until someone sh**s on the bus.

THE LUNATICS ARE TURNING ON EACH OTHER

There might not be enforced RAT tests on the PM‘s bus, but that doesn’t mean there are no rats aboard.

Outside the insane world of an election campaign, journalists from different news outlets treat each other as rivals. But on the trail? It’s one team, one dream. You’ve gotta work together in press conferences to run circles around both leaders before tripping them over.

Still, everyone loves to gossip.

While waiting for the Prime Minister to appear at a press conference this week, one reporter thought they were sending a secret email to their editor. Little did they know someone wearing Groucho Marx glasses was snooping over their shoulder.

Australia’s leader kicks a football during the week the nation’s inflation rose to 5.1 per cent. Picture: Jason Edwards

“ELECTION TRAIL GOSSIP,” was typed frantically into the subject line of the email.

The rat proceeded to madly tap away on the phone screen, telling their editor they had some juicy intel to print about fellow journos – but stopped short of putting the gossip in writing.

“I’ll call you,” they wrote, nervously adding that the tittle-tattle could be traced back to them. “They’ll know it’s come from me.”

How will fellow journos react when the snarky blind item eventually hits the press? We’ll probably falsely identify them as the bus dumper.

THE PM’s DIRTY LAUNDRY AIRED

There’s really not much to offer beyond this headline – the Prime Minister’s dirty laundry has literally been aired.

Media crews were invited to Kirribilli House on Thursday morning while the PM filmed interviews for the breakfast TV shows and they copped an eye-full of something they probably weren’t meant to see: the prime ministerial underwear.

What colour briefs? That information is classified. But certainly not teal.

The week … has been a week. Picture: Supplied.

PM GIVES THE FINGER

Interest rates, schminterest rates. The big story of the week was how the PM injured his thumb.

In case you haven’t been keeping up with the major news headlines, ScoMo appeared at a Monday prayer service in west Sydney with an exposed gash on his left thumb. In the days that followed, Scott’s slash became one of the election’s most shocking cover-ups. Literally. One day it appeared bandaged, the next it was exposed – with a flap of skin appearing to dangle from the tip of the appendage. And the next day? It was chaotically re-bandaged.

It’s almost as if the PM’s press advisers were overthinking the optics of such an incident.

“Bandage it! It’s gross!”

“No, rip it off! Only girls wear Band-Aids!”

A joint investigation between “Michelle Grattan” and NCA Newswire’s Courtney Gould was launched. Repeatedly, the Prime Minister’s office attempted to evade the truth. They refused to provide official statements to formal questions that demanded an answer as to how the PM cut his thumb. The Prime Minister himself snubbed the question and slammed a taxpayer-funded luxury car door in retaliation.

Of course, 2GB’s Ben Fordham had to swoop in, once all the groundwork had been laid. The shouty broadcaster not only tried to steal the scoop, but hijack it.

During an interview on his morning radio show, he demanded the PM explain what happened to his thumb. It’s unbelievable – some journalists are so shamelessly tabloid.

Anyway, in a clear attempt to spite the reporters who launched the initial investigation, the Prime Minister happily told Benjamin what caused his thumb injury: He cut it while slicing an onion on the weekend when he was making a curry – the same curry that then got mocked online after he posted a picture of it to his own Facebook page in which the chicken appeared raw.

So, how did the Prime Minister’s thumb end the week?

As this paper went to publication, the PM had again ditched the Band-Aid. He appeared at a Perth defence manufacturing factory on Friday and almost deliberately used overzealous hand gestures to show off his almost-healed unbandaged thumb.

Still, the incident won’t be forgotten by voters. As one of Canberra’s most revered political commentators remarked: How can you run a government if you can’t even cut an onion?

The real gotcha, who did it better? Picture: Supplied.

GOTCHA!

The PM said it himself: “It’s not about politics”. And he’s right. It’s about going viral with gotcha questions.

Is asking for an explanation about policy points technically a gotcha question? Who knows. But both leaders love acting like the journalists are Ashton Kutcher from Punk’d whenever they ask them to detail the cost of some boring new initiative.

Media on the PM’s bus concede our peers on the opposition’s bus are beating us with the gotcha moments. Every day, those Albo prisoners are getting headlines. Clearly, Albo’s bus is mob ruled.

The truth is, we missed major opportunities on ScoMo’s campaign this week.

Like that morning at a bougie grocery store in the seaside suburb of Mount Eliza.

As the PM stood in a cramped corner of the fresh produce aisle for a press conference, we journalists should have started plucking the brightly-coloured cardboard signs off various fruit and vegetable displays and began quizzing him on prices before revealing the answers like flashcards on a game show.

“Prime Minister! How much is a kilo of nectarines?”

“Prime Minister! Is Bok Choy sold by the kilo or by the bunch?”

“Prime Minister! What’s the price difference between a punnet of blueberries and a punnet of raspberries and do you think all Australians should just give in and buy them frozen?”

THE REAL QUESTIONS THE PM MUST ANSWER

Like The Bachelor, the federal election campaign is both a high-stakes environment and total snoozefest. Daily press conferences are a cutthroat match where journalists have to scream as loud as they can to get the PM’s attention in order to be granted a question.

“Prime Minister! Prime Minister! Prime Minister! Prime Minister!” is wailed by 15 journalists over the top of one another, at the same time.

Pro-tip: It’s just as effective to yell, “Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple! Pineapple!”

It’s the only satisfying moment you’ll experience that day.

And when the PM does eventually call on you? Well, you better step up with a worthy question. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. You wanna catch the PM off-guard by getting him to comment on something topical that he’s not expecting.

“Prime Minister, Josh Frydenberg has revealed his kids get paid $20 per tooth from the tooth fairy! How much did you receive as a boy and is $20 per tooth a concession that inflation is out of control?”

“Prime Minister! What do you think of Olivia from MAFS and have you signed the online petition cancelling her after she leaked those nude pics of Dom?”

“Prime Minister! We need a headline! Say something about Abbie Chatfield!”