Make-up really isn’t such a terrible thing, writes Angela Mollard

GROOMING is tyranny, we’re told. Apparently it’s outrageous that women spend so much time on make-up. But Angela Mollard doesn’t see what the fuss is about.

Angela Mollard, 1940s style.

A FEW years ago I had to spend a weekend pretending I was living in 1948.

It was to mark Prince Charles’s birthday, and rather than stick his mug on the front, the mag I worked for opted for me darning, dusting and jitterbugging. It was a good laugh making sponge cakes, wearing gloves and channelling Rita Hayworth and I kept a trio of those ornamental flying ducks as a memento.

But goodness gracious (I’m method acting here), the grooming! What with the Ponds cold cream, the “beauty cake”, lipstick, powder, the hour “finger-curling” my hair with starch and water, and the gravy browning on my legs followed by a “seam” of black crayon to approximate stockings, it was a massive faff. And all for a thimble of sherry and a dance with some bloke Brylcreemed to within an inch of his life.

Since that illuminating little time travel, I’ve had little truck with grooming grumblers — those women who moan about what an effort it is to look half decent. Because far from resenting make-up, nail polish and a squirt of perfume, I could kiss MAC, Giorgio, Bobbi and that organic dude Dr Hauschka because in eight and a half minutes they make me look 75 per cent better than when I get out of bed. (It takes 20 minutes and someone more skilled than me with a GHD to upgrade to 100).

Grooming has become a tyranny, we’re constantly told. “Red carpet ready” is an affront to feminism, blasts one commentator. My talented friend Tracey Spicer outs herself as a “vain cow” because she dares to improve on being, frankly, pretty bloody gorgeous in the first place.

News_Image_File: Tracey Spicer outed herself as a “vain cow” in a TED talk.

OK, so let’s pull up a chair at the make-up counter and have a little play with some of this. By all means sit back and watch if au naturel is your thing.

Let’s begin with foundation. Tyranny is being ruled cruelly and oppressively by some autocrat like Stalin, Pinochet or Pol Pot. Last time I looked — and goodness knows I often do — Tom Ford was not ordering every woman on the planet into two coats of rouge fatal and an obligatory tidy with his brow sculptor.

Compared to the 1800s when it was all wigs, corsets and whitening powder, or even the 1950s when every woman had to look like something out of Call The Midwife, we can do what we damn well please. I walk to the newsagent in denim cut-offs, beach hair and no make-up. Tonight I’ll spruce up for dinner with friends in heels, mascara, and a MAC blush called Springsheen which has the same magical effect as dancing hard to Glory Days. Grooming is not a tyranny, it’s a treat. You can opt in, or out.

Moving on (I can’t remember — is it concealer next?), Mail Online’s Rachel Johnson wrote a piece this week bemoaning the effort required of women who need to be camera ready. “We expect the red carpet to be a feminism-free zone (talented women are posing show ponies in the grand dressage ring of the global media) but this double-standard about presentation, and appearance, is also still normal for telly in general.”

Oh please — women may garner 10 times as much airtime on the red carpet because they’re not in the ubiquitous tux (Angelina excluded) but plenty use it to talk about their work and passions. Jennifer Lawrence, Helen Mirren, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler — all are proof you can navigate the red carpet with style and substance. “Dress by Vera Wang, jewels by Chopard,” they announce then segue neatly into whatever point they want to get across.

News_Image_File: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler manage to navigate the red carpet with style and substance.

As for Johnson’s claim that women don’t go on TV because they hate all the make-up, what nonsense. Yes, it takes 40 minutes for hair and make-up when I appear on The Today Show — the blokes breeze through in five minutes — but would it make us any more worthy if we announced: “Nope, I’m going with sallow skin and under-eye circles”? I’m no less of a feminist for wanting to look my best. Plus I get three days out of one of their excellent blow-drys.

TRACEY SPICER STRIPS BARE

Right, Spicer. I’ve had coffee with her in no make-up and dined with her in full war paint (actually newsreaders Juanita Phillips and Jacinta Tynan were also with us so, collectively, we were working four inches of full slap). I loved Trace’s recent Tedx talk in Brisbane where she removed her dress and wiped off her make-up to prove a point about the time women devote to getting ready. “Why do we do this to ourselves,” she asked. “It’s bullshit.” We could be far more productive, she explained, if we spent less time on grooming.

I can only speak for myself, but my eight and a half minutes spent applying tinted moisturiser, mascara, blush, gloss, body cream and perfume make me feel professional, efficient and the best version of me.

But just to check I wrote this at home, wearing pyjamas and no make-up. It took me twice as long as usual. Next week I’ll go the full Rita.

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Twitter: @angelamollard