The reasons why break-up sex is so appealing

Certified sex coach and host of In Bed podcast, Georgia Grace, investigates why we make these decisions and why they can make us feel so good.

Break-ups suck, are so confusing and often very far from the ‘clean break’ we all hope they’ll be.

So when you and a long-term committed partner finally call it quits, the lure of sex after the break up can feel too hard to resist.

You’re comfortable with them, you know all their go-to intimate pleasure points and while you might not be ready to meet someone new – a girl’s still got needs. But it’s dangerous, right? All that familiarity can send fond memories flooding back, making you question the decisions you’ve both made. Sometimes, making you want them back.

One more for the road? Image: Friends

So, why do we put ourselves through it?

“I think once a decision is made to split up, all the stress that’s been being experienced by the couple, or the individuals, can cease, especially if both people realise that the relationship wasn’t working. So it’s particularly common with amicable breakups,” sexologist Tanya Koens told host certified sex coach Georgia Grace on the podcast In Bed.

The experts admit there is also an underlying element that this person won’t be at your beck and call anymore. You won’t be able to roll over and initiate whenever you like. This kind of ‘limited resource’ feeling can make us want to make the most of that final time of togetherness before going it on one’s own.

Koens says some people may even have a ‘one for the road’ mentality, or want to end the relationship on a positive sexual note. It has the kind of sentimentality of a goodbye.

There may also be an element of care and respect still left in the relationship, even if both parties are aware it’s not really working.

“You want to cut off from them and you want to comfort from them. But obviously, they’re part of the problem. So I think that’s why it can be quite easy to fall into something physical and comforting, something as opposed to just going well, thank you very much. And shaking hands and walking off,” she adds.

Okay, so that might be the why. But is it healthy?

WE WERE ON A BREAK! Image: Friends

There is a potential for good, non-toxic break up sex, but the experts say we need to be careful about the way in which we approach it.

They say it is so important to be aware that there is two kinds of break up sex. The type that constitutes a final goodbye or celebrating a final pleasure fest to end the relationship, and the type that blows all of your resolutions to leave that person wide open.

This can be particularly common in relationships where one person would still choose to continue the partnership if the other hadn’t called it quits. Finding the resolution to end all physical contact can be hard in this situation, but by realising it’s not going to give you the closure and inner peace you need, it will allow you to move onto better things that will.

Find more from the In Bed podcast here.

This story was originally published in Body + Soul and has been reproduced with permission.