Nadia Bokody: ‘Weird things people say during sex’

We all like different things, but when it comes to our kinks and fantasies – some are “weirder” than others, but most are surprisingly common.

I know a lot about the sex lives of strangers.

Evidently, the anonymity of an email or DM and the knowledge you’re writing to someone who talks about sex for a living emboldens a lot of people to reveal things they wouldn’t normally offer up.

And though I feel privileged – humbled even – to be trusted with these intimate confessions, I rarely respond to them. Largely because I’m not qualified to (I’m not a sex therapist or a doctor – please speak to a health professional if you have a question or an issue), and generally, due to a lack of time as I juggle multiple content streams outside of this column.

But I always read them. And I can confidently say, I’ve reached a point where I’ve heard everything.

No, really. If you can dream up a sexual issue, fetish or kink, there are at least 10 people in my inbox archives already detailing it to me.

I’ve seen a lot of these things first-hand, too.

Sex expert Nadia Bokody has revealed some of the many sex questions she receives. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

Over the years, sex industry professionals have generously invited me into their private worlds – I’ve visited live porn sets, BDSM dungeons, sex parties and brothels. I’ve talked as well, to sex therapists, escorts, swingers, and professional mistresses.

Some of what I’ve witnessed goes so far beyond the realm of our mainstream understanding of sex, when I’ve shared it in this column (always protecting people’s identities) there have been readers who’ve suggested it’s fiction.

In all fairness, I’ve had to pinch myself on more than one occasion in this job.

Like the time I sat in a faux doctor’s office while a dungeon mistress pulled out a long hypodermic needle filled with saline solution and explained how she injects men’s testicles with it to bring them to climax.

Or the night half a dozen attractive strangers had group sex right in front of me as I sipped on a cocktail at a swinger’s event.

From BDSM dungeons, to sex parties and visiting brothels – different people are into different things in the bedroom. Picture: iStock

There are more stories, too: astounding, erotic, curious experiences that would surprise you to learn average people – people you probably know – partake in behind closed doors. But frankly, I’d need another 50 columns to tell them all (or a book. Harper Collins, I’m looking at you.)

My point is, if you have a fetish, fantasy, or kink you’re convinced is unique – perhaps are even worried is perverted – I can promise you, there are thousands (if not millions) of others who share it too.

A recent viral Reddit post where people anonymously reveal so-called “strange” things they’ve been asked during sex perfectly illustrates this.

“[My partner asked me to] SQUEEZE his testicles, like as hard as I could. It was going against everything I’ve ever been told,” one user commented.

Others chime in with similar stories of requests for pain: “A girl wanted me to bite her … This chick wanted me to chomp down as hard as I f***ing could until there was blood,” confessed another.

“A guy asked if could put on my karate gi, beat him up, and then dominate him,” revealed one woman.

Many people worry their fetish is ‘weird’ – but Nadia says there’s many people who share the fantasy. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

Sure, these tales might make some of us wince in discomfort, but for many people – not just the hundreds in the post who contributed similar experiences – the line between pleasure and pain is far more blurred. Research actually suggests at least 10 per cent of men and up to 57 per cent of women have fantasised about some form of masochism during sex.

Other responses in the post touch on another rarely acknowledged but common sexual preference: “[She asked me] ‘Call me Amanda’ Her name was not Amanda. Her mother’s was,” one Redditor shared.

“The first ever time my husband and I had sex, he looked me straight in the eye and said ‘Call me Big Daddy.’,” a fellow user spilled.

Though it may make some of us nervous to vocalise, wanting a partner to enact a character in the bedroom also isn’t rare. A 2018 survey by adult toy retailer EdenFantasys, found at least 29 per cent of people are interested in sexual role-play, while one in four want to try it, but are still working up the courage to express their fantasy.

If you’ve made it this far, you’ve hopefully realised by now – and I mean this in the kindest way possible – you’re really not that unique.

Being privy to the interior of other people’s sex lives has taught me many things, but above all else, it’s proven we’re not all as different as we like to think we are.

That “weird” thing you’re into? The one you don’t have the courage to share with your own partner? It’s terribly pedestrian, I promise you. The reason so many of us wrongly believe we’re sexual outliers, is because we live in a culture that shrouds sex in so much shame and stigma, it inhibits us from having a healthy dialogue around it.

Should you require any further proof your turn-on isn’t uncommon, do a quick search for it on a porn site. You’ll trigger hundreds of video results with millions of views racked up by people who are just as into it as you are.

So now you know you’re not “weird” after all, I hope you’ll feel emboldened to express your desire to the person who needs to hear it most: your sexual partner.

And if they can’t or won’t fulfil your fantasy? I know at least one dungeon mistress who can.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.