Nadia Bokody: ‘Guys, women actually hate this porn technique’

In adult movies, women go wild for it in the bedroom. But Nadia Bokody says it does nothing for us – and the penny has finally dropped for guys.

Before the days of ubiquitous internet porn, I convinced a boyfriend to rent an adult DVD, not-so-stealthily tucking it into a stack of G-rated films at the checkout.

My face burned hot with shame as the store clerk scanned the barcode – his eyes narrowing in on the title while it flashed up on the computer screen.

We watched it dozens of times, savouring every sordid second of X-rated footage, knowing neither of us had the nerve to return and face the clerk again.

It was all terribly cringe: a big-breasted women loudly fornicating with an unusually buff pizza delivery guy whom she couldn’t afford to pay.

The acting was terrible and the storyline unimaginative, but it spoke to a kind of sexual zeitgeist; a time when porn was a gaudy novelty consumed with exhilaration and appreciation – a delicious opportunity to pause reality and travel to another world (evidently, one where sex was appropriate compensation for Hawaiian pizza).

Nadia Bokody has said there’s a major issue with guys getting sex tips from porn. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

There was one scene in particular though, during which, I couldn’t suspend my disbelief.

It was my first time seeing a woman receive oral, and the visual remains firmly etched in my brain, for all the wrong reasons.

Somehow, I found it easier to be convinced a woman would offer her body as payment for a pizza delivery, than to believe she’d enjoy the strange spectacle occurring between her legs.

I would never have guessed then, this precise act would go on to become the archetype for oral sex; at least, the kind most of us know today via internet porn – porn, it’s important to note, that’s no longer a salacious novelty requiring bravery to acquire, but rather, a readily available stand-in for the sex education (specifically around female sexual pleasure) we aren’t given.

As most women know, there are no sensitive nerve endings in the labia is why involving it in oral sex is largely redundant. However, it’s a far more visually prominent element, and so tends to be focused on in porn for theatrical effect.

A since deleted TikTok proves a lot of men don't know their way around a woman's privates. Picture: TikTok

A study published in the International Urogynecology Journal found just 9 per cent of people are able to accurately label an anatomical diagram of the vulva, correctly pointing out the clitoris, labia, vaginal opening and urethra.

A (since deleted) viral TikTok makes fun of this issue, showing a man dejectedly shaking his head while the words, “When she finally tells me I’ve been rubbing her left flap this whole time” appear on screen above him.

It also highlights another problem with porn’s depiction of oral: it rarely, if ever, involves women communicating about what is – and isn’t – working for them.

@nbokody Where is the lie? Tweet via @whismansucks. #feministhumor#funnydatingstory#datinghumour#heteronormativeproblems#arestraightpeopleok#feministtok♬ original sound - Nadia Bokody

Even if you go beyond the realm of RedTube and into the world of internet literature on women’s pleasure, you’re unlikely to find encouragement to employ ongoing verbal feedback.

Telling people to speak to their partners about sex isn’t nearly as clickbaity or sexy as spruiking tricks like the “ABC” approach (the directive to do the alphabet with your tongue while heading downtown on a woman) that treat pleasuring a vulva as a kind of Paint-By-Numbers exercise.

There’s misdirected advice in the sexual blogosphere too, to employ techniques that ignore the fact there are an estimated eight thousand nerve endings in the clitoris, making it vulnerable to irritation via friction or pressure.

And this all isn’t to say women collectively detest these techniques. However, the only way to know for sure, is through communication.

The secret to a great orgasm is communication – that’s it. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

People often come to my columns or my YouTube channel in pursuit of a quick hack or impressive move that’s going to make them a standout lover. And though dishing outformulaic “hacks” would probably get me more clicks and a bigger audience, these tactics go against everything I know to be true about female sexual pleasure.

What I will instead say, is that there are few other ways to bring a woman to climax more reliably than through oral sex, when it’s performed correctly.

Research overwhelmingly shows a “golden trifecta” is key to unlocking the female orgasm: deep extended kissing, manual stimulation and (well-executed) oral sex.

The secret to orgasmic oral is also far less entertaining than anything you’ll see in porn. It’s talking to your partner and (regularly) asking for feedback.

Really. That’s it.

Every vulva is different; there is no cookie-cutter technique that works for all of us.

Though, I’ll sign off leaving you with this: the clitoris is king when it comes to climaxing, and because it contains so many nerve endings, it should be approached gently.

Also, for the love of women everywhere, leave our flaps alone. They’ve been tortured enough.

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