Nadia Bokody on what actually turns women on

Female arousal is often treated like a hushed-up secret – but Nadia Bokody says the truth is much simpler than you think.

The feeling of fingers confidently interlacing themselves through mine in public.

A text asking how that project I was excited about went.

Strands of hair being swept from my forehead when I’ve had a long day.

These acts are all deeply erotic to me.

In fact, I’m more aroused by someone holding my hand when we’re walking down the street together than I am by just about any form of foreplay.

And some of the best sex of my life has been the result of a great texting exchange. (One date remembered I had a work presentation the next morning and messaged me: “Go be the bad b**ch I know you are”. I was so turned on, we got physical straight after work.)

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News.com.au sex columnist Nadia Bokody. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody.

Though there’s nothing particularly unique about holding hands, sending attentive messages, or running your fingers through a partner’s hair, they all have the impact of making a woman feel seen. Which is perhaps one of the least acknowledged pieces in the puzzle of unlocking female desire.

We still approach women’s arousal as something that occurs exclusively in the bedroom, but it’s sparked long before the first item of clothing is removed, and new research is confirming this.

A 2018 study published in the Journal Of Evolutionary Psychology noted a clear difference in the way male and female participants got in the mood. Specifically, it found that, while men tended to get turned on reactively – in direct response to sexual stimuli – women were far more affected by contextual factors.

In other words, how comfortable, attractive, and relaxed a woman feels when she’s about to have sex has a profound impact on whether that sex will even be enjoyable for her.

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It’s the simple things that turn women on, says Nadia. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody.

Ironically, a woman is far more likely to climax if you consistently text her thoughtful messages throughout the day than she is if you know how to locate her G-spot with precision accuracy.

This is because our brains play such an integral role in sexual excitement.

So much so, feminist academic and author Naomi Wolf famously coined the term “the brain-vagina feedback loop” in her best-selling book Vagina, to highlight just how cerebral desire is for women.

“His gazing at her or praising her … is not merely rightly thought of as highly effective foreplay; it is actually, from the female body‘s point of view, an essential part of good sex itself,” Wolf wrote.

It’s no coincidence sex dies off in long-term relationships around the same time couples ditch dating for staying in to sit on opposite ends of the couch on their phones. For women, a lack of intimacy and excitement outside the bedroom translates to a lack of it in the bedroom, too.

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Date nights, cute texts and compliments are the secret. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody.

The good news is, this sexual tapering off is easily rectified. Simple acts like taking an interest in what’s going on in her life, arranging the odd night out, buying flowers “just because” and making an effort to hold her gaze can dramatically boost a woman’s level of sexual interest in you.

So too, can actively reducing her stress levels via dimming the lights, running a bath, or offering a massage before bed.

When women are in a relaxed state and feel seen and heard by our partners, we’re at our most amenable to sex. Brain scans from a study at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands reinforce this.

Women who feel relaxed get more turned on, according to science. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody.

Scientists found that, right before climax, the part of a woman’s brain responsible for anxiety completely shuts down. One of the study’s lead authors, Professor Gert Holstege, said of this findings, “When you want to make love to a woman, you must give her the feeling of being protected.”

And this should really put anyone partnered with a woman at ease. Because, in truth, great sex for women isn’t so much about whether we’re with the most skilled lover as it is about whether you’re tuned into our needs and can make us feel safe.

You don’t need to have detailed knowledge of the G-spot or an extensive sexual repertoire to achieve this.

You just need to hold your partner’s hand on occasion, sweep the hair out of her face when she’s had a bad day, and shoot off a text every so often reminding her she’s a bad b**ch.
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