Nadia Bokody: Moment women give up on reaching orgasm

Sex columnist Nadia Bokody reveals her private bedroom hang-up and says it’s one many women experience.

This is so embarrassing.

I’m crying hysterically in front of a woman I just had sex with.

We’re still locked in a naked embrace when the tears start escaping from my eyes like kids flooding the school gate at 3pm.

She looks understandably freaked out.

I try to catch my breath through the sobbing to explain that, actually, despite how this looks, I’m not upset.

I’m having a visceral reaction to a very unfamiliar experience – which is that I just had my first orgasm with her.

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Writer and sex columnist Nadia Bokody has revealed the moment it’s all ‘over’ for a woman’s orgasm. Picture: Instagram/@nadiabokody.

Though I write about sex for a living, I’m not immune to the same insecurities that plague most women in the bedroom.

Intellectually, I understand it’s pointless to fret about the light catching my cellulite while I’m sans clothes in front of someone, or worry I missed a few stray hairs shaving my legs before sex.

I’ve read enough research about attraction over the years to know the only thing that really matters at that point, is how confident I am in my body.

I also know it’s normal for women to require significantly longer to reach climax during partnered sex than we do on our own. Like, almost twice as long, according to most studies.

And yet, without fail, each time I have sex with a new partner, I begin a tedious process of silent sexual self-flagellation that makes my orgasm a guaranteed impossibility.

In the entire duration of my last (albeit short-lived) relationship, I didn’t orgasm once.

Not because I wasn’t turned on by my girlfriend – to the contrary, I was more attracted to her than I’d ever been to anyone. And not because she was a lacklustre lover, either – the sex was revelatory.

I just never let myself go around her.

Perhaps because, on some intuitive level, I knew her heart wasn’t completely in the relationship. Or maybe because I was so utterly infatuated with her, I found myself endlessly drawn to impress her.

If you start to worry about whether your partner is bored because you’ve not climaxed, you’re never going to get there. Picture: Instagram/@nadiabokody.

Regardless, after three months I was no closer to getting out of my head in bed than the first time we slept together.

Conversely, I’ve had orgasms with people I’ve been emotionally uninvested in. When the stakes are low, it seems, so too is the pressure to perform. And research shows there’s no bigger predictor of whether a woman will reach The Big “Oh” than how at ease she is.

Take, for example, a groundbreaking study carried out by scientists at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, which used brain scans to map out what happened in men and women’s heads during sexual stimulation. When looking at women’s brains, researchers found an undeniable link between relaxation and orgasm.

The scans of women who climaxed showed a deactivation of large areas of the brain in the lead-up to climax – significantly, the parts responsible for fear and anxiety shutdown. When women were asked to fake it however, those parts of the brain remained active.

Unfortunately, getting out of our heads is easier said than done, especially for women. After all, we spend most of our lives being conditioned to stay switched on for the comfort of others.

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It begins from the moment we’re instructed to twirl in our dresses as little girls performing for the adults around us, and continues well into womanhood when we’re cautioned, “Don’t dress too provocatively or sleep around. Men don’t like that,” and – confusingly – “Don’t be a prude. Men don’t like that,” among many other contradictory messages that will ensure we perpetually second-guess ourselves. And our sex lives are no exception.

Like many women, I often fear I’m taking too long to get to the finish line. I stress my partner is growing bored, tired, or frustrated with how much time has passed. And eventually, my internal voice kicks in and cries: “Hurry up and get there, we don’t have all day!”. This is, infuriatingly, the moment I know it’s over for certain.

For women, orgasm isn’t so much about getting off as it is about letting go.

Ironically, I’ve learned it’s in emancipating ourselves from the roles we’re taught to play to please others, and in doing so, allowing ourselves to be truly seen – post-orgasm tears and all – we’re able to give and receive the deepest pleasure.

I didn’t ascertain that through research, or by writing about sex; but by being a woman who still fears what it means to let go, but fights the fear and does it anyway.

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