Nadia Bokody: Bizarre sex rule women do that needs to change

We’re told to avoid doing this in bed to snag a man, but Nadia Bokody argues this outdated idea is a “made-up phenomenon”.

There’s a shrivelled lime in the bottom of the fridge I refuse to throw away.

It’s a keepsake from what was (and remains) the best first date of my life.

I don’t want to implicate anyone, but it might have been swiped from an unattended bar fruit bowl as a tongue-in-cheek gift after a conversation about margaritas; a crime that may have led to a rendezvous back to my apartment and some very hot sex.

Nearly five months on, I’m still having hot sex with the same person, who, incidentally, is now my partner.

According to popular dating philosophy, my relationship is an anomaly, because sex is still treated as a weird drawcard for women to strategically withhold to secure commitment.

It’s not surprising we rarely see this attitude applied to men – it’s rooted in perpetuating slut-shaming culture aimed at sexually disenfranchising women.

“A key that opens many locks is a master key, yet a lock that is opened by many keys is a worthless lock,” we are told.

Within this framework, women exist as objects valued exclusively by their sexual viability to men, and men hold the power to animate women to life by choosing them.

Nadia Bokody argues it’s time to put this outdated idea to bed, once and for all. Picture: Instagram

Talk show host and creator of the “90 Day Rule” (a program centred around the philosophy women who wait 90 days to have sex are more likely to end up in a relationship), Steve Harvey famously claimed men think of women as either “sports fish” or “keepers” based off how quickly they give away the “cookie” (a trite metaphor for sex) in his book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

“We men are very simple people: if we like what we see, we’re coming over there. If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there. Period,” Harvey writes, suggesting men interact with women solely for the purpose of attaining sex, and sex is therefore a tool desirable women can use to manipulate them into relationships.

This would be comical if it weren’t a frighteningly pervasive idea, continued to be peddled by so-called dating coaches since Harvey’s book was published more than a decade ago.

And it’s not only male dating coaches disseminating the “make him wait” propaganda. An increasing number of women are peddling it for them, under the guise of female empowerment.

In a recent post, influencer Elena Rossi, who goes by @the_yoni_empire on Instagram and calls herself a “female libido specialist”, writes, “Sex on the first few date is DANGEROUS if you are looking for a relationship.

“If the sex is great then you are now officially wearing your hormone pleasure infused PINK GLASSES,” Rossi goes on to explain, before seemingly comparing women to dogs.

“And it is VERY hard to see rationally … You’ll be too busy creaming your panties and slobbering.”

While it’s true that sex (particularly the orgasmic kind) does offer a temporary boost of the feel-good hormones dopamine and oxytocin, the insulting premise women are rendered incoherent afterwards, presumably on account of having an inherently fragile disposition, is pure science fiction.

There is no research to indicate there’s a major difference in the way men and women’s brains respond to sex.

Our obsession with creating rules around how and when people can have sex, and who they should be having it with – particularly as applied to women and queer people – isn’t rooted in science. It’s based on a culturally constructed definition of sex that conflates physical intimacy with morality, and regards women’s morality in particular as something we should police.

Talk show host and creator of the ‘90 Day Rule’, Steve Harvey. Picture: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

The real “danger” here isn’t a made-up phenomenon whereby women are spontaneously unable to access logic after sex, as Rossi warns. It’s fearmongering them into believing their entire value resides in their sexual currency to men, while treating men as incapable of viewing their sexual partners as complex, multifaceted human beings.

Sex isn’t something which can be neatly defined and regulated. It’s an innately personal act with myriad meanings and expressions. And consequently, there’s no right or wrong way to have it (provided it’s safe and consensual).

If someone is genuinely open to commitment, they won’t be thrown off by your timeline – whether that means waiting till you feel comfortable to get it on, or jumping into bed on the first date.

So, throw away the rule book and do it on your own terms.

Though (and I say this because I feel ethically bound to do so), try to avoid committing fruit theft on the way.

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