Nadia Bokody reveals question you should ask before having sex

Nadia Bokody reveals the uncomfortable question that people should ask before jumping into bed with somebody, in order to prioritise everyone’s pleasure.

OPINION

I’ve had a lot of boyfriends.

I’ve also had girlfriends.

And friends with benefits. And one-night-stands.

I was even married for a handful of years in my twenties.

I haven’t done the math on it, but as far as I can tell, that’s a lot of sex.

None of which was ever preceded by a question that – upon reflection – seems pretty darn integral to good nookie.

It wasn’t until my girlfriend put it to me a couple of months into our relationship, I felt the weight of this realisation hit me.

“How do you come?” she asked, casually propping herself up against the bedhead, as though having just inquired about what I wanted for lunch.

The question hung between us like a thick fog as I grappled for a response.

Nadia Bokody reveals question you should ask before sex. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody

Why was a query so simple – so fundamental to the kind of sex I’d built a career around emboldening women to have — this difficult to answer? And why had I never asked it myself?

This experience is far from unique. A 2017 study published in The Archives Of Sexual Behaviour found people experience far greater anxiety when preparing to discuss sexual issues with their partners compared to any other relational issues.

It’s ironic really, that, while we wouldn’t hesitate to inquire about a significant other’s political views, stance on monogamy, kids, religion, or opinion on where to store the Vegemite (the fridge, obviously), clarifying arguably one of the most important aspects about each other – what gets us off – is a bridge too far for most of us.

This is because what should be as straightforward as asking a partner what they’d like for lunch, is a question entangled in a history of sex-negative culture rooted in morality, religiosity, and heteronormativity.

At the heart of this, is a fear of sex, and the misplaced notion openly discussing it will promote promiscuity among young people (when in fact the reverse is true – teen STI and pregnancy rates are climbing); a fear that drives us to treat sex as something we should all just “know” how to do, not as something that requires discussion.

People typically struggle to discuss sexual issues with their partner, but this shouldn’t be the case. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody

Even though it’s innately personal and no two people’s erogenous zones, turn-ons, fantasies or anatomies are the same. And even though we don’t make this assumption in literally any other area of life (including the most seemingly “natural” of tasks, like eating, speaking, and using the bathroom – all of which, we’re taught how to do).

The only thing we DO learn about sex, is that it’s something that happens to – rather than with – women.

Sex education acknowledges wet dreams, erections, and ejaculation, but not pleasure for people with vulvas, leaving girls to believe their bodies will become vessels for men’s erections, not that they should be nurtured and enjoyed.

There aren’t likely to be any guys reading right now who couldn’t easily and without hesitation, answer the question: “What makes you come?”, because men aren’t given this message.

We know from the most extensive research ever conducted into sexual pleasure that, more than any other group, men climax the most reliably and frequently during partnered sex.

Conversely, women not only have less orgasmic sex; we’re taught the path to our sexual pleasure is complicated and laborious.

In a new paper published in the journal Gender & Society, authors Nicole Andrejek, Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath observe that, “both women and men engage in sexual behaviours that emphasise men’s pleasure to a greater extent than women’s,” noting that, in interviews with men and women, “participants crafted a narrative of women’s orgasms as work and men’s orgasms as natural”.

It may be the case so many women (certainly those who have sex with men) never ask their partners the question, “What makes you come?” because men’s orgasms are already prioritised. And it may also be true, so few men ask this question because they’ve been conditioned to view women’s orgasms as superfluous and needlessly time-consuming.

I’d also wager there are few women, regardless of sexuality, who’d be able to confidently turn to their partners right now and explain what gets them to climax.

Not just because sex-negative culture has stigmatised these kinds of discussions, but because a lot of women have never had truly reciprocal sex and so either genuinely don’t know, or experience guilt around allowing a partner to focus on their pleasure.

And perhaps, too, behind the question, “What makes you come?” is a very human fear in all of us, of allowing ourselves to be completely vulnerable in the presence of a partner. To admit we don’t know something we’ve been taught *should* be instinctive, or to reveal a secret desire we might be judged for.

In truth, being good in bed has little to do with how much nookie you’ve had, or how many people you’ve had it with. Great sex is what happens when we allow ourselves to be truly seen. Not in the removal of our clothes, but in the revealing of answers to questions we’ve previously left unsaid.

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