Free love in the 21st century: Why polyamory is taking off

TYSON Wray has been sleeping with a woman who’s in an open relationship with another man. Their modern take on ‘free love’ is surprisingly common.

Free love in an open relationship

LAST weekend I was having pillow talk with Scarlett* (25). We had been on a date the night before. It was only our third or fourth. We had gone to the theatre, followed by a bar, then eventually back to my apartment for sex. We woke with hazy headaches, bruised bodies and whimsical conversation.

“What’s on for the rest of your weekend?” I quizzed in a hungover drawl. “Oh, I’m just planning to spend some time with my boyfriend Chad* (29).”

While this dialogue may sound Ashley Madison-esque to those who hold more traditional values, that couldn’t be further from the truth. In the past decade society has seen a rise of couples (especially the more youthful) exploring polyamory and open relationships — the practice where a committed couple also separately and openly engage in dating and sexual relationships with others, sometimes casual and sometimes more serious.

“Poly to me is dating or otherwise being in a relationship (sexual or romantic or both) with more than one person, or being open to that,” notes Scarlett, who has dated Chad for three years. “I was still poly when I was only dating one person, the same as how dating a man doesn’t remove my queer identity. When talking about my current relationship I usually say I’m in an open relationship, because I feel like poly sometimes implies that I’m only interested in multiple committed relationships (or at least that’s how I see it used) whereas right now I’m perfectly happy casually dating or sleeping with other people while having one live-in committed relationship with Chad.”

Contrary to popular belief, polyamory and open relationships aren’t primarily about allowing your partner a get-out-of-jail-free card to indulge in sexual exploits with other people (a concept much closer to swinging which is generally more associated with older married couples). To many the act of engaging in dating is about the fundamental experience that comes from the exploration of the human condition. Meeting new people, learning from their worldview and expanding your perspective on the world around you.

“I identify as a queer pansexual with an interest in various forms of fetish play,” says Chad. “Because of this I tend to think that in a lot of cases it is impossible for one partner in the traditional sense to fulfil all needs when it comes to the rather broad concept of intimacy. This is something I fell naturally into doing over time as I worked it out.”

It’s an unspoken truth that while in the formative stages of any relationship you will both be dating other people, and that once entering a monogamous bond you will still have flirtatious feelings for others time-to-time. It’s difficult not to see the appeal of being able to date multiple people at once without guilt.

“I think it’s always been something which has made sense,” details Scarlett. “But it’s only been the last four or five years when I’ve felt able to try and have poly relationships. I like that I can provide different kinds of support to different partners/lovers and similarly get different things from them.”

“I like to have minimal boundaries,” adds Chad. “I don’t see how holding someone back from something they feel the urge to partake in as constructive behaviour (assuming they aren’t harming themselves or others).”

That’s not to say that you can simply jump into the open relationship ocean without any form of an emotional lifejacket.

“My first few attempts at open relationships didn’t go so well — the first was trying to open up a relationship which had previously been monogamous, where I was more interested in it than him,” says Scarlett.

“The others were when I started dating people already in long term relationships and issues arose with balancing the needs and interactions between everyone involved. I learned a lot about how to conduct myself in open relationships and relationships more generally from those experiences, even though they were quite painful at the time.”

Of course, as with any form of relationship, boundaries must be drawn and communication is imperative.

“When I’m interested in going on a date with a new person I make sure they know about Chad right from the start, because if someone isn’t comfortable with an open relationship then they’re not the person for me. Another important thing for me is that they respect my other relationships.”

“I like to think communication between all parties is key,” says Chad. “But I also think that is true with any kind of relationship. It shouldn’t be a challenge and if it is, perhaps it’s not for you.”

“Chad and I have one main rule which is to always use condoms if we’re with a partner where the sex we’re having calls for them. Aside from that we’ll usually mention if we went on a date (we don’t have a requirement for pre-approval or anything like that). We also both get STI tests reasonably often, but I think that’s just something which anyone who is sexually active with more than one partner should do, whether those partners are in series or parallel.”

Polyamory will never be for everyone, but the same can be said for monogamy. They both fall at the opposite ends of a very broad spectrum, one that many people occupy the middle-ground of for much of their lives.

The important thing for couples like Scarlett and Chad is being upfront and honest. And there’s definitely something to be said about that.

*Pseudonyms have been used.

Tyson Wray is an editor and writer from Melbourne. Find him on Twitter @tysonwray and feel free to ask him on a date.