Relationship Rehab: Why can’t I lock down a man

A woman who she gets a lot of attention from men over her appearance, but there is one thing she continues to struggle with.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a confident woman who can’t lockdown a relationship, a man who has had a change of heart in wanting kids and who is responsible when it comes to protection during sex.

QUESTION: I am a 29-year-old woman who puts a lot of effort into my appearance

and I’ve never been short of attention from men. Everywhere I go, I get approached

and complimented, and while I get asked out a dozen times a week, I can never seem to convert this interest into a relationship. Plenty of guys seem keen to go on a first date with me, but I’ve only had one second date in two years, and he was the most boring person I’ve ever spoken to — there was absolutely no chemistry on my end, despite him being quite keen to see me again. What is wrong with me? How can I get out of this slump and find someone who wants to be with me long term?

ANSWER: Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with you. I really want you to know that. However, it sounds like what’s going on right now isn’t working so let’s look at how you can do things differently and get a different result.

Physical appearance isn’t the basis of a healthy, long-term relationship. What you’re realising is that attracting men based on your appearance isn’t getting you the relationship you really want. Take your own focus off your physical appearance a little. That doesn’t mean stop caring altogether, but find a different balance.

A woman (not pictured) says she has no problem attracting men, but struggles to find someone she is interested in having a relationship with.

Turn the focus to yourself on an internal level

Relationships are learnt behaviours. Our early relationships effect the other relationships we have throughout our lives. Look at the messages you learnt about relationships during childhood. What patterns do you see in your parents’ relationship? What was your relationship with both your parents like? It may help to talk through this with a therapist so you can begin to break any patterns or unhelpful beliefs you’ve formed.

Be clear on what you want from a partner

Are you choosing the wrong guys to go out with? You’ve said that men are asking you out, but what are you looking for? Don’t accept dates with anyone. What kind of man do you want in your life?

Attract higher value men

Stop expecting men to be attracted to you on the basis of physical attraction. Put yourself in situations where you can meet men with genuine common interests and who are looking for a long-term relationship too.

Where might you meet more potential dates? What are your interests?

If you like going to the gym, go to a group fitness class. Do you have a dog? Go to a dog park. Take up a hobby, book a class or talk in something you’re interested in.

Put yourself on dating apps where people are looking for long-term relationships. Choose photos that show your personality, rather than showcase your appearance.

Be discerning about who you invest your time with

Are you getting to know these men by messaging with them before you invest in meeting up for a date? Be discerning about where you’re investing your energy.

Date men you feel a genuine connection with and who are also looking for something long-term.

Physical appearance isn’t the basis of a healthy, long-term relationship, says news.com.au’s resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie.

RELATED: Relationship Rehab: Should I dump my cheating wife?

Up your dating game

Perhaps you’re choosing the wrong men to begin with, or perhaps there’s something about how you’re showing up on these dates that’s stopping anything moving forward.

What’s happening when you go on these dates? Get interested in why they aren’t going further.

Are you interested in them — but not them in you? Is there chemistry, but nothing substantial? Maybe you’re internally cutting guys off because you’re not feeling enough chemistry — but have an unreal expectation of what that should feel like.

Sometimes great, long-lasting connections happen with people we didn’t necessarily feeling an intense sexual chemistry with right away.

CHANGE OF HEART OVER HAVING KIDS

QUESTION: My wife and I have always said we didn’t want kids. But a few of our friends have had babies lately and I’ve found myself pining for one of our own. I know my wife doesn’t feel the same way though. What do I do?

ANSWER: Our views and what we want from life don’t always stay the same. In a healthy relationship, there’s space to discuss changing thoughts, dreams and desires.

Share your thoughts and feelings about having children with your wife openly, honestly and vulnerably.

Husband has had a change of heart in wanting kids.

This will potentially be an ongoing conversation over some time as you try to understand each other’s perspective. She may be willing to discuss having children when she hears how important it is for you.

If she remains firm in her position of not wanting kids, you will have a decision to make — either stay with your wife or seek a relationship where you can have children.

There may however be other ways of having kids in your life that satisfy this pining, such as being closer to your friends’ kids.

PROTECTION, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

QUESTION: Whose responsibility is it to make sure you’ve got a condom? My new boyfriend never has one handy and I don’t think it’s on the woman to supply this sort of thing, but maybe I’m being too old-fashioned.

ANSWER: It’s the responsibility of anyone having sex to make sure they have a condom.

Unless of course you’re open to becoming a parent or contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

Women have a higher risk of catching an STI during intercourse than men (in heterosexual sex) and we deal with the physical ramifications of becoming pregnant. So, we need to take steps to care for ourselves.

Whose responsibility is it to make sure you’ve got a condom?

The idea that it’s a man’s responsibility to supply a condom perpetuates a view that sex is something men want and women go along with or that women have sex for men and that men need to do the groundwork to get us to have sex, rather than seeing ourselves as

equally empowered participants.

When you’re having sex regularly, birth control and safer sex should be a shared responsibility, so one person isn’t taking all the organisational and financial burden.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]