Relationship Rehab: Wife’s Tinder reveals truth about ‘cheating’

When she came home from a girls weekend, he had suspicions, and one glimpse of her phone confirmed them – but the truth was more complicated.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie says something fishy is going on in this marriage. Picture: Supplied

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband who mistakenly thinks his wife is cheating, a woman with no interest in dating and a wife hoping for some dirty talk tips.

MY HUSBAND FOUND MY DATING APPS

QUESTION: I bet you hear stories like this all the time, but in my case, this is actually true. On a recent weekend away with girlfriends, I downloaded some dating apps to try to find a man for the one single girl in our party. The profile we set up was in her name and used her photos, and we had a jolly time, especially after a few wines, interacting with men as her. But when I got home, my husband saw the apps on my phone and flipped out. I tried to explain what had gone on, but he thinks I’m making up excuses and has packed a bag and moved back in with his mum. I am flabbergasted. I understand it must have been a shock, but there was an innocent explanation, and I have never cheated on him in the past (and never would). He, however, has cheated on me before. He had an affair with a woman from work eight years ago, but after a lot of work and counselling, we moved past it and stayed together. Now I feel angry that he is overreacting so much when I haven’t actually done anything wrong, especially when I was nothing but understanding when he did actually cheat on me. How can we resolve this?

ANSWER: Actually, I’ve never heard a story like this. That being said, I can understand why you’re shocked. This is quite an extreme reaction for your husband to have.

I would imagine that by looking at the app and your chat history, it would be clear that the messages aren’t really to you.

A secure person in a stable relationship would be at least willing to discuss this with you and talk it through. They might even be able to laugh about it with you.

It leads me to wonder what is going on underneath this.

My suspicion is that your husband struggles with intimate relationships. It’s likely that a deep fear of being abandoned is leading him to protect himself at even the slightest idea of you having an affair. This deep fear may, in fact, have been part of what contributed to him being unfaithful to you.

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I had all the apps, yes – but they genuinely weren’t for me. Picture: iStock

People with this fear often protect themselves by maintaining distance in a relationship and avoid intimate, uncomfortable discussions. In moving out so quickly and refusing to hear what you have to say, he avoids having to face his own insecurity, shame and discomfort. It’s an incredibly volatile reaction to have. Sadly, this pattern leaves people missing out on real intimacy and lasting connection.

He may also use this as an excuse to blame any underlying dissatisfaction he has with the relationship on you, without ever really addressing it. Unfortunately, blaming you might be the story he continues to run with.

When someone has this kind of sensitivity to abandonment, they often need time to calm down before they’re able to discuss the issue at hand. When someone is triggered, it can be helpful to validate their experience by letting them know we understand how upsetting something is for them and why they might have a reaction like they are.

He may need reassurance that you still love him and are committed to the relationship.

You may also need to be firm with him that avoiding discussion together isn’t an appropriate way to handle any issue.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

You also have some reflecting to do on being with someone who would so quickly assume you’re acting inappropriately without hearing what you have to say. It sounds like there are issues of trust, communication and commitment that will need to be addressed between you going forward.

WHY WOULD I DATE WHEN I DON’T CARE ABOUT SEX?

I just can’t be bothered to put myself out there. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: I am a single woman who just has very little interest in sex, which means my motivation to put myself out there and date is low. How can I give my libido a boost?

ANSWER: I often talk about what people can do to boost their libidos, but in this case, I’m not sure it’s your libido that’s the issue.

Has your libido ever been higher than it is now? Is there anything you can think of that might be impacting your libido? If not, this may just be the desire level that is normal for you.

Everyone has different desire levels for sex, and this will fluctuate throughout our lives. Some people will have consistently lower desire than others. That’s OK. It’s normal.

Some people also find that they have a lower desire to date people than what they think they should.

HOW CAN I LEARN TO TALK DIRTY?

Talking dirty fills many women with dread – but it doesn’t have to. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: My husband has repeatedly said he loves dirty talk in bed, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It makes me cringe. How can I give him what he wants without feeling so awkward and terrible?

ANSWER: We live in a culture that holds a lot of shame and guilt around sex. Dirty talk (or any talk!) in the bedroom often feels awkward and uncomfortable.

My guess is that underneath feeling “awkward and terrible” are actually feelings of shame and fear of being judged.

Sex is intimate. Anything intimate is going to feel vulnerable and a little uncomfortable – at first. Take it step by step.

Here’s three suggestions on how to start talking dirty:

1. Start with appreciation or encouragement.

Let your husband know what he’s doing that feels good.

2. Ask for what you want.

Let him know what would feel great for you or what you want him to do.

3. Talk about what you liked after sex.

Sharing what you enjoyed about your sexual encounter afterwards is a great way to get your sexy vocabulary flowing.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]