Relationship Rehab: Horrible reason my husband is leaving me

For years before they got married, her husband was keeping a terrible secret – now it’s threatening to blow their relationship apart.

After 10 years, one man has decided he can’t take it anymore. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband making some appalling excuses for leaving his wife, a man wanting to improve his first date banter and a woman keen to help her friend move on from her loser ex.

HEARTBREAKING REASON MY HUSBAND IS LEAVING ME

QUESTION: My husband and I have been together 10 years, married two. He recently told me that my bipolar (which is under control) and weight issues have been a source of depression for him for four years and he feels lost. He has never told me this before now.

We’ve had a horrible past 10 months with some very big life-changing events, and apparently the stress has been the straw that has broken the camel’s back.

He doesn’t see himself having kids with me. I am heartbroken. He is considering leaving me and would like me to move out for six months so that he can focus on himself.

We have booked in for couples counselling. But I fear he may have checked out already.

Should I give him the space or continue to fight tooth and nail and save our relationship under one roof?

ANSWER: I’m sorry, but neither you having bipolar nor your weight are responsible for his depression. It’s how he feels about those issues – but more importantly, how he feels within himself that’s contributing to his feelings of depression.

His sense of blaming you for this is a concern to me.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling heartbroken, having only just heard this.

The fact that he hasn’t been able to voice this for years shows that either he struggles to communicate clearly or there is something going on in the relationship that makes it difficult for you to communicate with each other – it’s possibly both.

I’m wondering if you talked about having children before? Was that a plan between you or something that was assumed? If he has changed his mind, it’s a significant change. If it isn’t something that you’ve really spoken about before, it shows the level of communication difficulty between you.

I’m not sure what “fighting tooth and nail” for the relationship looks like to you, but doing everything you can to make someone stay isn’t always the best way forward. You may just be perpetuating unhealthy relationship dynamics. A healthy level of space is always important in a relationship.

RELATED: ‘I’m attractive, why can’t I find a date?’

RELATED: ‘My boyfriend of two years is ghosting me’

RELATED: Office ‘banter’ that could end my marriage

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

I’m glad that you’ve taken the step to book couples counselling. He may have “checked out”, but you can still express what you’d like the outcome to be and go along to therapy with the hope of repairing the relationship.

Many couples who see me for couples therapy don’t know if they can make their relationship work when they first come to see me; some aren’t even sure if they want it to anymore.

I’ve seen many relationships recover from what felt like a “point of no return” to once again be thriving, happy relationships. Regardless of the outcome for your relationship, you’ll both at least know that you’ve taken healthy steps to try.

If he does make the decision to end the relationship, it gives you the opportunity to move on and, if it’s important to you, find someone who does want kids with you and is willing to work on the relationship before it gets to breaking point.

Use your time apart, whether it’s due to a break-up or just a temporary separation, to work on yourself too. That way whether you come back together, find a new relationship or stay single, you’ll feel stronger and better about yourself too.

I’M CASANOVA ON THE TEXT BUT A DUD DATE

When the text banter is sparkling, but in real life? Yeah, nah. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: How do I get more confidence when chatting with women in person? My chat is on fire in the apps, but I’m so shy and quiet in person, and I can tell they’re disappointed. Help!

ANSWER: Here’s a few suggestions to help:

• It might sound silly, but picture the date going well in your mind before you get there. This helps you mentally prepare for a great outcome.

• Give some attention to the opposite – what’s the worst that could happen? This stops it being a fear lurking in the back of your mind.

• Fake it til you make it with body language. Our physiological state has a powerful effect on our mental state. Holding your body in a more upright pose will help you feel and seem more self-assured. As will making eye contact.

• Take deep breaths – this will reduce the anxiety response of the body helping you appear and think more calmly.

• Take time to research a few great first date questions so you won’t be short of things to say.

• Practise. Keep putting yourself out there on dates and in other social settings.

IT’S OVER – SO WHY CAN’T MY MATE MOVE ON?

It’s been a year, but she’s still pining. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: How can I tactfully tell my friend that she needs to move on from her loser ex? None of us have ever liked him and were thrilled when they split – but it’s been a year now and she’s still pining.

ANSWER: It’s hard to see our friends still grieving or pining over someone we know wasn’t great.

The fact that he was a “loser” may be beside the point. Something is keeping her holding onto a relationship that was finished quite a while ago.

We sometimes struggle to move on because we haven’t fully processed the loss. Sometimes we struggle because we don’t think we deserve or are capable of finding something better.

From a therapeutic point of view, I’m interested to know why she’s still pining over this guy. What was it about him or the relationship that meant so much to her? Or what is being triggered from her history that is making moving on so difficult?

There are a couple of options you could try:

• You could say you feel sad that she’s still pining over the relationship because you want her to be happy and know there’s going to be someone even better for her out there.

• You might also gently ask the questions I mentioned above. When we bring awareness to our patterns and emotions, they automatically begin to shift.

Sometimes, tactful isn’t effective and we need to take a firmer approach. You might just have to tell her that you don’t think he was great for her.

You might even suggest that she see a therapist because you want to see her move on with her life to find happiness once again.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]