Nadia Bokody: Why men marry ‘the woman in front of them’

Nadia Bokody argues there’s a depressing reason men choose to “settle down” with some women and not others.

Men aren’t wired to marry for love.

That’s the logic behind the latest dating wisdom, “proximity theory”, which sounds suspiciously like an argument in favour of lowering the bar to the depths of hell.

“[Marriage for men] has nothing to do with love, half the time it is proximity and timing,” argues dating guru Sabrina Zohar, who brands herself as “Not a therapist, just a girl who’s tired of inauthenticity” and offers coaching sessions to women for $US200 ($A292).

“You could literally be the most incredible and mind-blowing human to ever exist. If a guy doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t ready, he’s not going to see you any differently,” Zohar explained in a now-viral TikTok.

Almost Adulting podcast host Violet Benson agreed, telling listeners in a recent episode, “It’s this weird phenomenon with men … when a man finally wakes up and realises that he’s ready for something, it’s literally whoever is in front of him.”

Is there a “weird phenomenon”, though?

Or is proximity theory just a euphemism for men having no real interest in women beyond the domestic and sexual labour they can provide them?

Men aren’t wired to marry for love. That’s the logic behind the latest dating wisdom, 'proximity theory'. Picture: TikTok

It sounds suspiciously like an argument in favour of lowering the bar to the depths of hell. Picture: TikTok

Because we know women who cohabit with men are statistically more likely to double their household workload. And research published in the American Journal of Sociology shows this is still true when they’re employed outside the home and out-earning their husbands.

Even the vernacular used to discuss men’s contributions to their marriages reflects how little women are conditioned to expect from them.

We praise husbands who “help out” around the house, and coo over dads “babysitting” the children they co-parent with their wives.

Any effort, no matter how meagre, is regarded as extraordinary – “Your husband cooked dinner AND did the dishes without being asked?!? Where can I find one like him?”, “Look at him playing in the park with his kids. He’s SUCH a good dad!”.

Similarly, sex within relationships is framed as something men are owed, and women are obligated to perform.

Women are routinely warned if they’re not continuously sexually available to their husbands, their relationships will suffer, because “men have needs” (an expression which assumes men have the monopoly on sexual desire).

And though there are to date no known cases of men suffering dire health consequences due to sexual frustration (which isn’t gender specific and can be easily resolved without a partner’s involvement), the “blue balls” myth continues to be harnessed by men as a means of pressuring their spouses into sex.

A study published in the journal, Violence and Victims, found over a third of married women have experienced sexual coercion.

Marriage has “nothing to do with love” as Zohar puts it, because to many men, women represent sexual objects, live-in nannies and cleaners, not full human beings. This is why “whoever is in front of him” at the time will do.

Of course, this isn’t socially acceptable to say.

It’s not the dream sold to us via Disney princess movies and rom-coms featuring men running through rain and crowded airports to tell their love interest she “completes” them before gallantly getting on bended knee.

It’s not the dream sold to us via Disney princess movies and rom-coms featuring men running through rain and crowded airports.

But the reality for most women isn’t a fairytale. Their lives get worse, not better, after the proposal.

“The average married woman is less happy than the average married man, less happy than single women, less convinced that married people are happier than single people, and more likely to file for divorce,” sociologist Lisa Wade wrote in a 2016 column.

“Once returned to single life, women’s happiness recovers, whereas men’s declines, and divorced women are less eager to remarry than divorced men.”

It’s probably not a coincidence then that it’s estimated nearly 70 per cent of divorces are initiated by women, or that research by Pew shows just 52 per cent of those women go on to marry again.

They’ve likely discovered there’s more to life than being “chosen” by a guy they happened to be standing in front of at a time he decided he was ready to make his dirty laundry someone else’s problem.

Because they have instead, radically, made the decision to choose themselves.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.