Relationship Rehab: Woman devastated by partner’s ‘dirty secret’

A woman in a same-sex relationship wants to marry her girlfriend but there is one problem that could mean the end of their partnership.

Woman’s shame around ‘dirty secret’.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a gay woman whose partner has not come out to family and friends, which makes her feel unable to move forward in the relationship.

QUESTION: I’m a gay woman who’s very proud to be in a same-sex relationship. Luckily, my family has always been very supportive about my sexuality and I’ve dated lots of women and have always got on well with their friends and family. However, six months ago I met a woman who’s quite ashamed of her sexuality and keeps it from her family. I’ve fallen in love with her and want to marry her but the fact she isn’t out to her mum and dad really gets to me. I feel like I’m a dirty secret that needs to be hidden. I want her to come out to her family but she’s resistant and it’s causing us to argue. I don’t want to lose her but I also don’t want her to deny my existence. How can this be solved?

A woman’s partner feels ashamed of her sexuality and keeps it from her family. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: You’re really lucky to have a family that has always been supportive of you. Unfortunately, I know that isn’t the case for everyone. It saddens me that for good reason, many people are still afraid to come out to family and friends.

Firstly, one of the main issues to be addressed here is you taking your girlfriend’s lack of being out personally. This isn’t about you.

She’s not trying to deny your existence. She’s not hiding you because of you, or what she thinks of you. She’s keeping a secret from her family because she’s deeply afraid of losing them and their support.

While it’s perfectly reasonable that you want your relationship to be out in the open, especially to people as important as your girlfriend’s family, it sounds like you’re asking her to take a big risk, one that she’s struggling to feel OK with.

The fact that she’s ashamed of her sexuality tells me a great deal about what she’s been taught about it throughout her life.

Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. She’s ashamed because, I suspect, she’s been told her entire life that there’s something “wrong” with people who enter into same-sex relationships. These messages have likely been implicitly or explicitly shared by her family.

The secret has caused tension in the couple’s relationship. Picture: iStock

While we don’t know for certain how her family will respond, it’s reasonable to assume that she has good reason to be worried about their reactions.

Attachment to our families runs deep. Even when we don’t have the best relationships with them, they’re an important source of stability and belonging in our lives. Losing our family or origin can have enormous ramifications, even if we don’t have the best relationships with them to begin with.

From the outside, it can be confusing that someone would want to keep a family who isn’t accepting and loving in their lives, but it can be devastating for someone to lose connection to their family.

It makes so much sense that in a society where you are faced with discrimination and homophobia that you don’t want to feel like a “dirty little secret” to the person you love most.

Her partner might be concerned about her family’s reaction to her sexuality.

The way through this for you as a couple is to be able to talk about this without arguing and without one of you shutting down.

Couples often have different perspectives on important issues, but what matters is the way you talk about it together.

You both have valid perspectives here. Both of your needs are important. You need to find ways of communicating that allows you to understand each other, have empathy for each other and then move towards compromise together, as a team.

This won’t be the last time you’ll disagree in your relationship. This won’t be the last challenging issue you face. Being able to communicate well and navigate this together will set you up for a strong relationship going forward.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.