Relationship Rehab: Man busted in ‘very intimate’ act by wife’s friend

A woman who caught her friend’s husband “cheating” wants to reveal the truth but is worried she’ll “stir up trouble” – what should she do?

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a person who is concerned their friend’s partner is being unfaithful.

Question: I’d like some advice on what to do. I think my friend’s husband is cheating on her. I was out for dinner with some friends in the city and I’m absolutely sure I saw my friend’s husband having what looked like a very intimate dinner with a woman who was not my friend. I don’t want to stir up trouble where it’s not needed, but I can’t help thinking if it was me, I would want to know. She hasn’t said their relationship is in trouble, but I don’t think it’s amazing either. Do I ask her how things are? Confront him about it? Help!

Answer: This is a tricky dilemma for you to be in. I can understand your initial thought that your friend’s husband is cheating on her, but there are other possibilities to consider first.

Be sure it was him.

Are you sure that it was your friend’s husband and you’re not dealing with mistaken identity? I believe you if you say it was, I don’t want you to doubt your experience, but there are obviously potentially big ramifications of this.

I also assume that when you say ‘very intimate dinner’, this woman could not for example be his sister or a friend?

They may be in an open relationship

I know it might seem like a stretch, but increasingly, I’m seeing couples who are in various forms of open relationship. Couples choose non-monogamy because it’s what they believe in, to keep their spark alive or as a way to maintain their marriage and stay together for the kids. I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Yet, for many couples, it works.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

Alternatively, he may be having an affair

Alternatively, you may be right that he is having an affair. Although obviously not very discreetly.

A significantly high proportion of affairs begin in the workplace. One of my thoughts is whether this was after work drinks or a meeting that became more than it should have. Which would explain him being out in public.

I agree with you – if it was me, I would want to know.

My suggestion is that you casually drop into conversation that you think you saw her husband the other day notice how she responds. You obviously don’t need to start with the graphic details of what you saw.

If she asks you for more information or looks shocked or upset in anyway, it may be that you’re confirming already held suspicions.

If their relationship is rock-solid, she’ll likely know that he was out with someone or at best laugh it off and there’s no harm done.

She might also brush you off, or shut the conversation down if she’s not in a space of wanting to know. For some people that suspect their partner is having an affair or know their relationship is in trouble, they’re just not in a place where they’re ready to deal with it.

Your friend’s reaction to the news about her husband should tell you everything you need to know about the situation. Picture: iStock

Her reaction will give you an indicator of whether to pursue the issue further.

She may end up asking you more at a later date, when she’s ready to hear it.

If something arises down the track and she questions why you weren’t more direct with her, I think you have grounds to say that you didn’t want to hurt her or your friendship over something you couldn’t be 100 per cent sure about.

While part of me wants you to say something to him if you happen to see him again, I’m also very aware that could backfire depending on where he’s at and what’s going on in the relationship.

While I’d like to think it would snap him out of an affair it that’s what he’s doing, I know it doesn’t always work like that. He may find a way to discredit you if he’s not ready for his wife to find out.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for our friends is be patient, and give them support when they’re ready for it.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.