Psychologist explains why men always turn nasty when rejected

A man’s “nasty” text when his date cancelled for good reasons has gone viral as hordes of women reveal it’s happened to them too.

“I don’t even want to f**k a woman like you.”

Those were the disgusting words a guy on Tinder recently texted me when I asked for more information verifying his identity.

After years being in the digital dating scene, I’ve learnt to spot when something is “off” about a man’s profile.

In this case, he claimed to have been born in Switzerland but moved to Melbourne as an 18-year-old student, yet his English was very broken.

He was also suspiciously attractive – which I know shouldn’t be a red flag, but it often is as catfishers are more likely to steal snaps from someone who is visibly appealing.

After a short exchange in which I’d told him about my cat and he claimed to be an entrepreneur (another warning sign, have you watched Tinder Swindler?) – I asked him outright if he was a catfish.

Recently I matched with a man who I believed quickly was a catfish. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

But when I called him out, he lashed out and sent me a disgusting text. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

His reaction was predictably savage, initially insulting me before dealing the classic sledge favoured by irate straight men: “I didn’t want to have sex with you anyway”.

Clearly he was interested in some capacity, contrary to his cries. So what’s with the nasty turn in behaviour and attitude?

Sydney clinical psychologist Christina O’Connell, who runs a Dating with Purpose program, said it all comes down to a “bruised ego”, stressing everyone is capable of “acting out” when hurt.

“We all have different ego defences to protect ourselves. Some people are more likely to internalise their feelings, turning to sadness or fear. While others will externalise their feelings, and ‘act out’, this can be seen through anger and/or aggression,” she told news.com.au.

“Men however are socialised to be more externalising with their big feelings, while women are socialised to be more internalising.

“This is a big generalisation and there are exceptions to this.”

Sydney clinical psychologist Christina O'Connell said guys lash out when rejected because of a ‘bruised ego’. Picture: Supplied

Of course, women can flip when they see red too, but research from Australia’s eSafety Commissioner determined women are “more likely to be targets of online abuse in all its forms” than men simply because of their gender.

The 2018 study also found women are twice as men likely to have their nude/sexual images shared without consent.

More recently, the Australian Institute of Criminology surveyed 10,000 Australian app users, and found three-quarters had faced some form of sexual violence in the past five years.

The study’s findings didn’t disclose what proportion of those affected were men or women, but it did break the offences down, and not surprisingly they are crimes historically committed against women and the LGBTIQ+ community.

These included stalking, drink spiking, sexual assault mage-based abuse – often referred to as revenge porn – and stealthing, the non-consensual removal of a condom.

Shared accounts of dating app dates that have turned nasty – often before ever meeting – also widely come from women too.

US woman Abby recently went viral for sharing her “infuriating” interaction with a straight man on a dating app on TikTok.

In her clip, the 23-year-old shared screenshots of their conversation which took a turn when he asked Abby what she was wearing to their date before making several sexual innuendos.

When she proceeded to tell him she now felt “uncomfortable” and no longer wanted to meet, the man backflipped, telling Abby she wouldn’t “make the 2 deep roster”.

“Tell yourself whatever you want to, you’re just another man resorting to insults because he was disrespectful and got rejected,” she states in her video.

US woman Abby recently went viral after sharing a guy’s ‘infuriating’ reaction when she pulled out of their date for good reason. Picture: TikTok/ab_stinence

‘You’re just another man resorting to insults because he was disrespectful and got rejected’, she said. Picture: TikTok/ab_stinence

But if the continued accounts of women copping it on dating apps over their lack of interest is anything to go by, it seems this offence is on the rise.

Sadly, it always been this way, we’re just seeing it more thanks to our ability to share our experiences easily online, Christina explained.

“Social media gives us a sense of distance between our behaviours and the consequence of these behaviours. Sadly, this reduces the motivation to filter our words,” she said.

“We don’t see the body language and facial expression that shows the ‘sting’ of the message. We don’t instantly see the pain we have caused to another, so our conscience isn’t activated as much online.

“There is also the opportunity to block or shut off the other, so we don’t receive any consequence for the bad behaviour.”

Thankfully, Christina has some advice for dealing with the cruel comments if you find yourself on the receiving end.

“Remember that their behaviour is more a reflection of the sender than of the receiver. If someone is sending cruel or nasty texts to women, chances are you weren’t the first and won’t be the last. This is a reflection of a man who does not show respect or kindness.”

She added: “Nobody wants to be in a relationship with a man like that. In reality, it is better to see these traits early than 10 years into the relationship when it is much more complicated to get out of it.”