Proof that single people aren’t having the most exciting sex

A new study has found that sexual satisfaction is high in one key group – and it isn’t who you might think.

The idea that singles are having all the fun with non-stop boink-fests in the bedroom and beyond has officially been dumped after a new survey revealed who’s got the greener grass.

According to a Norwegian study into sexual satisfaction in single versus partnered adults, casual hook-ups aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, with loved-up couples more satisfied under the sheets.

Selina Nguyen, a sex and relationships therapist from the Good Vibes Clinic, isn’t shocked.

“When we find ourselves in long term relationships, it’s really common for us to romanticise the dating experience and hold it up as this really wonderful time in our lives when we were free and everything was super exciting,” she told news.com.au. “But I feel like we forget how hard and how terrible dating or hook-ups can be.”

After delving into the sex lives of 4160 people aged between 18 and 89 (yes you’re never too old for a good time), the researchers discovered discrepancies in the data.

More than half (56 per cent) of men in relationships said they were satisfied in the bedroom compared to just 27 per cent of those who were single.

Meanwhile 46 per cent of unattached males conceded that they were dissatisfied with their sex lives compared to 24 per cent who were partnered up.

When it came to the other side of the bed, a whopping 64 per cent of women in relationships said they were satisfied, compared to 25 per cent of single females.

Just 18 per cent of those partnered up were dissatisfied in comparison to 34 per cent of those not in a relationship.

So, what gives?

The idea that singles are having all the fun with non-stop boink-fests in the bedroom and beyond has officially been dumped. Picture: iStock

The intimacy of a relationship

While a relationship may not feel as exciting as a new hook up, Nguyen said the security, reassurance and fulfilment that come from a loving partnership are great grounds for a wonderful sex life that can really open people up to new experiences.

“In relationships we generally have the time, space, consistency and commitment to work on a better sex life and the safety and encouragement to talk about our fantasies or desires and to actually explore them as well,” explained the Sydney-based sex therapist.

Bobbie-Ann Pouton from Newcastle, NSW, has been with her partner for six years and said their sex life transitioned as their relationship got deeper and they felt more secure in themselves.

“When we first met, it was that lustrous, high octane, wild chemistry, addictive sex and then it slowed down slightly,” the 33-year-old told news.com.au. “Now we’re in a period where we feel so safe and so secure and we really have fun because there’s so much trust and intimacy in the connection that we have as a couple.

“We’ve grown and matured and we’re able to ask more of each other and feel safer in our own desires and kinks.”

Bobbie-Ann Pouton: “We’re able to ask more of each other and feel safer in our own desires and kinks.”

When looking back on sex as a single, Ms Pouton likened it to “comparing lemons to oranges”.

“My single life definitely could be seen as more sexual and erotic at first, but in reality it wasn’t as fun because it was hot wired, and 99 per cent of the time it would be drug or alcohol induced or in some way, shape or form, not my fully authentic self,” she said.

“Whereas now I get to have sex with my partner and it’s up to us to make it fun, it’s up to us to have hot date nights and it’s up to us to play with role playing and make things exciting if we want that.

“But also it’s okay to just understand that sex is going to be different sometimes.”

The unknown as a single

What can make it really difficult for singles — especially women — according to Ms Nguyen, is that they’re essentially starting from scratch in every sexual encounter with a new partner.

“So you’re trying to navigate communication concerns, sexual desires and sexual health all at once,” she said.

“And that’s on top of trying to figure out whether or not you like this person, whether or not they like you and whether or not you’re on the same page about what this means. And you’re managing all of these questions at once.”

Singles are “essentially starting from scratch in every sexual encounter with a new partner”. Picture: iStock

This, she said, can make it hard for people to perform, when all of these questions are distracting them from being in the moment.

“There’s also a very common understanding that the first time you have sex with someone, it’s not going to go amazingly or be mind blowing because you’re learning about each other’s bodies in this new experience, and it can take time to get good.”

But that’s not the case for newly-single Shelby Lowe who’s bucking the survey statistics and living her best sex life after a year-long relationship during which sex with her ex went “very downhill” after they moved in together.

“I felt like I had no time away from him to build up the anticipation of being sexual like I had before,” the 19-year-old from East Gippsland in Victoria told news.com.au.

“My sex drive never seemed to match up to his own and he would consistently try to initiate sex at moments I was either clearly busy or just very much not in the mood.”

Shelby Lowe: “He’d try to initiate sex when I was clearly busy or just very much not in the mood.”

While her sex drive “seemed to fizzle exponentially fast” while living with her partner, it’s come back “full swing” since the break up.

“Now my sex life has genuinely become so vibrant and fulfilling,” she said. “I learnt so much from the relationship but I’ve never been so satisfied.

“I’ve been seeing a few people casually and I feel like the pressure of not being with the person emotionally has let me express myself sexually so much more. I’m honest about what feels good and what doesn’t, which in a relationship I would feel pretty guilty saying to my partner.”

How can you improve your sex life?

For couples, it all comes down to self-reflection and being really specific about what you want from your sex life, Ms Nguyen said

“We often put it under this big umbrella of, ‘I want it to be more fun, more spontaneous, more exciting’, but that’s incredibly vague and doesn’t give a lot of directions for us to build from or in telling our partner what we want,” the sex therapist explained.

She encouraged people to dig a bit deeper.

“When we say fun and spontaneous, what do we actually mean by that?” she asked. “What would be different about the sex that we’re having that would make it more fun and spontaneous?”

From there it’s having the conversation with your partner and making a plan, whether that’s researching new things to try, new toys to experiment with, new classes to take or new books to read to add a bit more spice to the bedroom.

The same goes for singles seeking sexual satisfaction.

“The reality is, you get out of a sexual experience what you’re willing to put into it,” Ms Nguyen said. “So it’s important that we take responsibility for that self-reflection of, ‘What are my wants, needs and desires, and what is the sexual experience I want to co-create and what would that look like?’”