Jo Thornely recaps First Dates episode 6: ‘Yes she really just ate that’
STEPH reckons most guys she dates spend the entire time staring at her breasts. On First Dates, she got to put that theory to the test.
A BIG part of dating is figuring out what you’re willing to put in your mouth. A reminder though, ladies — just because he’s put some coffee beans in your cocktail, it doesn’t mean you have to eat them.
There are five distinctly different flavours in tonight’s episode of First Dates.
VANILLA OUTRAGE
It’s fair to say that Jake is not used to being rejected.
He’s a physio fully aware of his own appeal, looking for a smart girl with nice teeth and glasses.
It’s fair to say that Chloe is a smart girl with nice teeth and glasses, whose doctoral thesis is entitled “When I Fancy Someone I Twirl My Hair — An Analysis”.
It’s also fair to say that this is not an interesting date.
There’s a couple of little hopeful blips on the tedious radar when Chloe doesn’t know what a “gig” is and when Jake offers Chloe a snack from his pocket, but otherwise we’re basically watching two reasonably nice-looking people speak about very little on a featureless plain. It’s the Tanami Desert of dates.
Aaaaaand then we get to Awkward Question Time, and things stop being boring.
Chloe tells the camera that she’ll be very surprised if Jake doesn’t want to ask her on another date.
Jake doesn’t want to ask her on another date.
She is very surprised.
CHOCOLATE DELIGHT
Next is Lisa, who has an adult child like some people do, and a massive crush on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson like most people do.
Coincidentally Lisa’s date tonight is called Dwayne, who is British, charming, and sweats like a wrestler without the inconvenience of having to perform a single-handed chokeslam.
Dwayne, 36, originally came to Australia for love, so we know he’s a romantic. Lisa, 40, is openly surprised and delighted when Dwayne is perfectly fine with the idea of dating a megababe of four decades’ experience.
By the time they start talking about tequila, Lisa shimmies, Dwayne crosses himself, and we have a super-good feeling about this date.
We’re treated to delightful, borderline-racist delights from Dwayne such as “I shouldn’t have ordered the salmon. I’m black, I love chicken”, which generates the kind of face that tells you things are going well:
Lisa hasn’t felt this way from first impressions for a decade. Dwayne has moved halfway across the world before, so moving interstate to where Lisa lives isn’t much of an imposition. Basically as long as Dwayne stops sweating, I see no impediment to him offering Lisa a rock.
CHEWY COFFEE
Gregarious Steph prepares for the arrival of her date Grant by loading up on espresso martinis and not realising the coffee beans are just a garnish.
Undeterred, she spits them into a napkin, following up with disposal of her chewing gum, because women are amazing multi-taskers.
Steph says that on dates, most guys stare at her boobs. She probably said some stuff after that, but I’m not sure because she’s right, those things are mesmerising. If only she’d do something to let us concentrate on what she’s saying instead.
Steph’s date Grant describes himself as “just a basic guy”. Sure, he’s a basic guy who makes a joke about his mother poking holes in his condoms, but otherwise he’s reasonably normal. It’s actually quite touching when he tells Steph that one of his tattoos is for a mate of his that died, and she tears up with empathy.
When Grant says to camera that he’s looking for love because “love will get you through the tough times,” there’s not a dry eye in the house. Unfortunately all the tissues have been used to wrap up semi-digested coffee beans.
This is a bloody lovely date — the kind that makes you think that these two — her with her father who’s disappointed she wasn’t married by 20, and him with his two gay brothers that his mother worries won’t give her grandchildren — might not have met and connected under different circumstances.
They say yes to each other and wander up the street for another drink. Steph shouldn’t eat any more coffee beans, though. She should flick those.
SOGGY BLOSSOM
“I think people maybe think I am a bit eccentric”, operatic singer Simone tells us in her introduction.
Under normal circumstances, Simone’s date Toby would probably stand out as a quirky and unique individual, but despite all his efforts, Simone out-quirks him at every turn.
A list of Simone’s delights illustrates her scene-stealing specialness:
Simone believes she’s single because she’s not in the right country.
Simone wants Cam the Barman to make her a drink that tastes like a “liquefied apple crumble”.
In a move hinted at in a mere four hundred promo spots for the show, Simone announces that the decorative flower at the table is edible, only to discover that it’s artificial.
The only animal Simone eats is oysters, because they don’t have a central nervous system and therefore can’t feel, although rumour has it they do get a bit annoyed at noisy noises. By contrast, Toby mostly eats meat, regardless of how deeply they feel.
Simone insists on paying for her share of dinner so hard that she flings banknotes into the air rather than putting them back in her wallet.
By this point Toby and his conversation-starter pocket square, like a fake flower or a succulent piece of juicy steak, know when they’re licked.
Both parties agree that a second date would be a terrible idea, and part ways to quirk their quirkies elsewhere.
BEEF
Look I don’t know about you, but I think it’s SO CUTE when two people with less than two per cent body fat who can crush besser blocks between their thighs get together, so I have high hopes for gym junkies Luke & Lauren.
In the past, both Luke and Lauren have struggled to find people who understand their training fixation. Luke wants a girl who works out with tanned skin, describing Lauren perfectly. Lauren wants a guy who works out and is a Prince Charming who knows how to treat her like a princess, describing Luke in about three years’ time.
The pair’s initial conversation is a lively discourse on the difficulty of carbohydrate control, and already we know this is the world’s lumpiest fairy tale in the making.
Except there’s no wicked witch in this fairy tale, just the ghoulish spectre of splitting the bill. It doesn’t occur to Luke for a moment that they shouldn’t both pay for their dinner, and he quite rightly tells us that “any mature girl should pay for her half”.
On the other hand, Lauren is of the view that while not expected, it’s a nice gesture for the man to pay on the first date.
Very unfortunately, they don’t break the bill awkwardness stalemate with an arm wrestle.
Like protein powder in the wind though, the hiccup soon disappears and the couple agree to a second date. I think this is going to work out.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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