Jo Thornely recaps First Dates episode 3: So much laughter and excess saliva
FIRST Dates served up a few mortifyingly awkward moments last night. Audible-elevator-fart-level awkward. Yikes.
WELCOME back to the First Dates restaurant, a place where romance blossoms but nobody’s clothes fit.
Here, you can never tell what you’ll base your next relationship on. Well, steak or pasta, obviously, but there’s other off-menu possibilities.
A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON LAUGHTER
Punctuation is really useful. It’s there, in the middle and end of every sentence.
Laughter is also really useful. If you use it like punctuation, it’s there to make a date annoying.
Ryan, who gives himself “a high nine out of ten” and is apparently so successful with the ladies he doesn’t have time to get lonely, meets dolphin trainer Claire, who’s looking for someone with a good sense of humour.
If “good sense of humour” means “laughing at the end of literally every sentence”, Claire’s on a winner.
Both Ryan and Claire are super-good-looking and have interesting jobs, but that just doesn’t matter when there’s this level of tinkling mirth and robust guffaws. Let’s have a quick look at examples of the conversational titbits that the couple finds hilarious:
“How old do you think I am?”
“The barman made me a Cosmopolitan. This is like Sex And The City! Are you Mr Big?”
“I’m on a first date with a player!”
“Is this another menu item, or is this the bill?”
There is barely anything happening on this date that isn’t neutral, simple sentences followed by borderline deafening giggling. It’s ridiculous. It’s irritating. It’s exactly what Ryan and Claire look for in a relationship.
They eagerly agree to a second date, and head off for another drink. And you know what’s funny about going for another drink?
A ROMANCE BASED ON WANTING A RELATIONSHIP
You wouldn’t see Stacey on the street and instantly think “Beyonce”, but she assures us that the secret to dancing like Beyonce is “owning it”. Coincidentally, Beyonce owns all her own dance moves, so Stacey is unable to replicate them tonight due to copyright law.
Stacey would like to get married and have children.
Her date David has, coincidentally, heard of Beyonce, and would also like to get married and have children.
But of course, you can’t base a relationship solely on the desire to have a relationship.
You need other things in common too, like ordering the same meal.
But in addition to not wanting to die either alone or of starvation, you also need something else in common. Maybe a devastating tale of tragic heartbreak! Both Stacey and David have called off engagements in the past and find the topic quite sensitive. They both listen, and nod, and smile wistfully.
Gosh, is there any category that these two don’t match precisely in every conceivable way?
Er yes, actually. Wanting a second date.
Come on, we need something interesting, like a well-crafted joke. Unfortunately on that point though, Shadi’s back.
A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON YOUR MOTHERS WANTING YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE
We met Shadi a couple of weeks ago, joking his way unsuccessfully through a date, but now he vows to joke less and “hone in on that love button” more, which seems more like third date talk, but the very best of luck to him.
When he sees security-officer-slash-Serbian-Amazon Milanka enter the restaurant, Shadi becomes acutely aware of four things: Her beautiful face, her flowing hair, her incredible curves, and the soft murmur of a nation all whispering “punching above your weeeeiight” in unison.
I’d marry Milanka myself if she promised to impersonate her mother’s accent until death do us part. It’s funny, and it helps illustrate that both Milanka and Shadi’s mothers have a superhuman interest in marrying off their offspring.
But it’s okay, Shadi’s funny too. Like. You know. When he says “Can you reach over and grab my arm? So I can tell everybody that tonight, I’ve been touched by an angel”.
“That’s probably why you’re single” says Milanka, displaying the kind of comedic timing Shadi has only read about in books.
Shadi is extremely keen for Milanka to say yes to a second date, as he wants her eyes “in generations of little Shadis”, but he forgets that he could also bring something else to the relationship: One-sidedness.
Milanka rejects him, and calls her mother to let her know. While Shadi’s still in the room. Still funnier than his joke, though.
A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON ONE PERSON HAVING ALL THE CHARISMA
Daniel is definitely one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet from the air force with a Southern Cross tattoo on their neck. He’s interesting, he’s warm, he’s great company, and he’s been upside-down in a plane.
Daniel deserves an attractive, pleasant guy like Jacob. Someone who’ll let Daniel carry the entire conversation and have ninety per cent of the available charisma at the table.
More importantly, Daniel deserves someone who will agree to share the First Dates Restaurant’s main euphemism this series: The tequila-soaked banana dessert.
“I’m looking at that banana and it’s screaming at me” says Daniel, calling for either the waiter or an ambulance. The boys spoon through the banana slowly, grunting appreciatively, relishing how uncomfortable this is making both homophobes and monkeys.
There’s more discomfort to come though, when the charming Daniel privately organises to pay for dinner but his card is publicly declined.
Sadly his card is not the only thing Daniel gets declined this evening. Sometimes an excellent personality, a neck tattoo, and outstanding banana technique just aren’t enough.
A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON DRIBBLING
Grace is not afraid of a statement lip or an awkward topic of conversation. Happily for her, George is an awkward conversation in human form.
George looks like he chose his shirt and pants from two different men’s wardrobes, neither of whom are his size. He stumbles over the word “wagyu” and then un-orders it when he realises it’s raw.
He likes a girl who can take the piss out of him, which is lucky because he tells Grace that his favourite animal is the flamingo, loser of the sky. He uses the wrong fork. He lets Grace know that he has a problem with excess saliva.
Statistically speaking, this date should be audible-elevator-fart-level awkward, but somehow manages to be chocolate puppies sliding down a unicorn-flavoured rainbow in human form.
“You might be my perfect person”, says Grace, and somehow everyone watching television is smiling because this is perfect and adorable, and the world is upside-down but wonderful when a guy with a crab on his shirt and an increased chance of dribbling into his rum can find love.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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