Jana Hocking on how to ‘win’ a bad break-up

Being dumped is already humiliating enough. There’s a common mistake people make afterwards that makes it even worse, says Jana Hocking.

Last year I got dumped. Oh, I got dumped so bad!

It was following a weekend away together that resulted in an almighty row. Both having fiery personalities, we really set fire to the end our relationship. It wasn’t until he told me to never contact him again that I took it seriously.

Especially when he didn’t answer my call the next day and sent me a humiliating text literally backing up his previous statement with: “SERIOUSLY, DON’T CONTACT ME AGAIN!”

Yes, we were grown humans, and yes this is how we were interacting with each other.

I felt panic set in. I thought we were just having a dumb fight. We always had dumb fights. Wasn’t that the whole point – so we could make up and have the best sex of our lives?

He can’t be that mad. Why is he acting like he hates me?

Because dear friends, ego is a hell of a personality trait. You (metaphorically) hit a man right where his ego sits, and you will know about it. I had fought dirty, and it had come back to bite me.

Jana Hocking got dumped – and it was bad. Picture: Instagram

Now full disclaimer, this is not the first time I’ve been dumped. It’s a fact of life, unless you are going to marry your childhood sweetheart (no offence, but snore!) then at some stage you are going to get dumped. And it’s a situation I know well.

So, I knew I had options. I could cry and beg for him back but based on previous experience, that doesn’t end well. It’s like asking your self-respect to pack its bags and leave.

I could throw thirst traps up on my Instagram and hope that he sees a saucy pic of me all cleavage and short skirts and come running back. Once again based on previous experience, this usually just results in a final roll in the hay before he dumps me again.

Or finally I could try something brand spankin’ new. Yes, I could find a healthy way to deal with it. And that is what I chose. I booked in a session with a therapist and decided to unpack my grief with a kind ear, rather then a bottle or two of Pinot Grigio.

It worked wonders. Within a month he was reaching out to me, desperate to get back together. And for the first time in my life, I saw the toxic relationship for exactly what it was and said no. My friends were shocked but chuffed. Finally, I was making smart decisions when it came to my love life.

Jana Hocking cracked the code of how to deal with being dumped. Picture: Instagram

So, if you want to know how I did it, and perhaps you’re in the midst of a bloody horrible break-up yourself. Let me share with you my five-step plan to ‘win a break-up!’ Yes, that’s a petty name for it, but hey, I might have matured but I’m still competitive.

Now before we start, there is one ground rule. The steps are super simple, but you have to stick to them. If you fall of the wagon at any stage you’ve lost. So make discipline your best friend.

1. Mute them on all forms of social media

Don’t be dramatic and block/delete them straight away. Let’s be honest, you are doing that for a reaction. Nope, you are going to very quietly and gently mute them. Out of sight out of mind. At least while you get over the first initial pang of heartbreak.

2. Get busy!

Distraction is the aim of the game. Throw yourself into work. Ever wanted a promotion? Now is the time to go for it. Take on extra hours. Go the extra mile – add an 20 per cent effort to every work task you do. Make yourself stand out.

Also start filling up your diary. You may want to sit in bed crying all day but you will just dig yourself deeper into that pit of despair. Say yes to a walk around a park with a friend (treat it like free therapy). Join a book club, or soccer club or sign up for art classes.

Heck, anything that requires you to brush your hair and get out the front door. You will be surprised when you find yourself thinking about your hobbies rather than wondering what your ex is up to.

3. Glow up

I’m not saying shed the pounds so you can tempt your ex with pics on Instagram. I’m saying get your butt to the gym for YOU. Get your sweat on for those free serotonin hits (once again, a cheap form of therapy.) Update your hairstyle, invest in a new wardrobe, do anything that gives you back some of that self-confidence you lost in the midst of a brutal dumping. Look good, feel good.

4. Lay off the alcohol

For a very simple reason. The first person to ‘drunk text’ loses. It’s no secret that alcohol interferes with the brain’s communication pathways and can affect our mood and behaviour. You might think you’re fine and dandy, but get a few espresso martinis down the hatch and before you know it you’re leaving sobbing voicemails on your ex’s phone. Seriously, don’t go on a bender.

5. No reaction is the perfect reaction

Let’s face it, unless you move to the other side of the world, you are going to see them again. Whether it’s at your local supermarket, or they reach out via text. Your first reaction is crucial. Sure, this person may have ripped your heart out and stomped on it a few times, but we are not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing you are still affected by their presence. So, if they reach out to you, don’t act b**chy or excited – simply act unphased. Polite, but unphased. It will drive them bonkers, but more importantly it will allow you time and space to gather your thoughts.

So there you have it. My five-step-plan for winning a break up. Before you know it they will be begging for you back, and if not, you don’t care because you’ve done the work and you’re over it. Go forth and prosper!

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking