Jana Hocking looks at why woman flake on first dates and how not to respond

Jana Hocking may be the queen of dating but it turns out she’s made the same mistake as at least 4.2 million other Australians.

I’ve been feeling a little ‘meh’ about dating lately.

The weather has turned, it’s chilly and I can’t really be bothered to get out of my comfy tracky dacks and transform myself into something resembling a future wife.

It just feels like a lot of effort.

But then fast forward to a boring Sunday and I quite fancy holding hands with someone on the way to a cafe for a carb-loaded breakfast and bucket of coffee. Then perhaps we could go for a walk in the park, stop at a pub for a cheeky vino and then home for lots of … ‘cuddling’.

Then I think to myself, ‘gaaaah you could be doing that if you didn’t flake on that date last week. And the week before … and if I’m really honest … the week before that’.

Yep, my dating apps have been poorly neglected. I match with a bloke and then become one of those people we all hate — you know the ones that match but then never communicate.

Or, I’ll make a date and then a big zit will pop up, or I’ll feel a bit puffy or bloated, and then suddenly get all self-conscious and come up with some lame excuse about why I can no longer go out that night.

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Sometimes getting dressed up to go on a date feels like too much hard work says Jana Hocking.

I never really gave it too much thought until a bloke did it to me. In a moment of complete contradiction, I suddenly became outraged.

I was halfway through getting ready for our first date when he pulled out. We rearranged and this time I checked in with him a little earlier and he told me he was stuck up the coast and wouldn’t be back until 9pm.

In a moment that lacked complete self-awareness I caused a strop. I fired off a message calling him “quite the prick” (don’t ask me why I put it ‘quite’ so poshly?!) and then proceeded to rant to a friend about what a dud bloke he was.

Nope, not for one moment did I think about all the times I’ve been flaky or consider the unanswered messages I had waiting for me on my dating apps.

In that moment I thought this bloke was the worst.

It wasn’t until about an hour later that I took a long hard look at myself and thought, ‘OK Jana Hocking, let this be a lesson that cancelling a date feels pretty darn crappy, and maybe you need to stop doing it as well’.

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After being flaked on Jana had to take a long hard look at herself.

I had former Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise contestant Alisha Aitken-Radburn on my Kinda Sorta Dating podcast this week and she reminded me of the time she got flaked on national TV (slightly more mortifying) and confessed that she too had been the one to flake on a date.

Describing it as a “universal part of dating”, she said she usually did it because she hadn’t left herself enough time to get ready for a date and was therefore feeling too dud to go out.

A recent study by Head and Shoulders found that a whopping 4.2 million Aussies had flaked on a date before. With a third of these people admitting to flaking because they were feeling self-conscious about their appearance.

Now there’s a couple of things I take away from this study:

1. We all need to start planning our time a little better. I always think I can get ready in 30 minutes, but it’s time to be honest with myself, to feel my best I need at least an hour.

2. It kinda makes me feel better that the reason someone is flaking is not necessarily because of me, but because they are having a human moment of insecurity.

3. Maybe we all just need to put on our brave Big Girl Pants, and head out on a date whether we’re feeling 100 per cent or not!

I went on a date last year after a massive week of work, with bags under my eyes and a very boring jumper and jeans on. I knew I wasn’t brining my A-game and was so close to flaking but after a rather dry spell I felt like a bit of a flirt and a wine could be good for the soul, so I made myself go along.

To this day I’m so glad I did! It was one of those magical 24-hour dates with an English stud that still puts a smile on my face. Sure, he didn’t turn out to be the one but he most definitely got me out of a rut.

So may I just say, death to flaky dates! Let’s all aim to be better (myself included).

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking