‘I’ve lied to my boyfriend about how rich I am’

An Aussie woman has kept a serious money secret from her long-term partner and she’s worried it will tear them apart.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie advises a woman who’s afraid to tell her boyfriend about her rich family.

QUESTION: I’m from a very wealthy family but you probably wouldn’t guess that if you met me. I work hard in a relatively well-paid but normal job, don’t wear designer clothes, and pay my own bills. I’ve actively shunned the rich lifestyle as I find I get on better with people from ‘normal’ backgrounds. I’ve also had issues with men dating me for my money and family connections. Recently, I started dating a guy I like – he’s humble, hardworking and left-wing. I’ve met his family who are everyday people and they embraced me into their family. The only issue is, I haven’t told my partner I’m wealthy and it’s been going on so long that I feel like a liar. He wants to meet my parents but I know he’ll twig as soon as he does – their house is massive and my dad has four cars. My parents are lovely but stand for everything my partner hates. How do I navigate this without seeming deceitful? One day, I’m going to inherit a lot of money and I know he’ll be so uncomfortable with that.

ANSWER: It makes sense based on your past experiences that you would be worried about this. You’ve met someone you really click with and you don’t want to risk losing that. While I’m usually a staunch advocate for honesty, it sounds like you’ve withheld the truth for all the right reasons – unless there’s more that you’re not telling him.

Fights about money aren’t about money – they’re about hopes, dreams and fears

The fact that you have different levels of wealth – or perhaps even different approaches to money, doesn’t necessarily mean a challenge for your relationship.

How you talk to each other when challenges arise will make more of a difference to your relationship than why you have disagreements. Picture: iStock

Fights about money aren’t really about money. They’re about the meaning of that money and the hopes, dreams and fears people have around it.

I’m curious about the different meanings you both have around money. I’m also curious about how similar your hopes and dreams are. I think there may be space for you and your new partner to reach understanding and compromise on this.

It’s not what couples argue about, but how they argue that makes a difference

How you talk to each other when challenges arise will make more of a difference to your relationship in the long term than what you have differences or disagreements on.

I’ve seen couples across the entire range of socio-economic brackets argue about money – and I’ve seen couples in all brackets agree with each other about it.

It’s how they speak to each other that makes the difference. You can talk about difficult topics in ways that build connection and understanding in your relationship.

Fights about money aren’t really about money. They’re about the meaning of that money and the hopes, dreams and fears people have around it.

Talk about this together

By now, he’s probably wondering why you haven’t introduced him to your family. There’s a possibility that he could misinterpret why you haven’t introduced him so far. You’re going to need to be really clear when you speak to him.

When raising any difficult topic, start with sharing a positive intention or an appreciation. If this is genuine, it can build connection and help soften what you’re about to share.

Then speak using ‘I’ language, share your emotions and be vulnerable.

My suggestion for you to start with is:

Hey, I know you’ve been wanting to meet my family. I really want them to meet you too. You’re important to me and I know they’re going to be really happy that I’ve found someone who’s such a great fit for me.

The reason I haven’t is because I’ve been scared.

My family has really different values to you. I’ve been worried that might change the way you feel about me – and I haven’t wanted to risk that because you mean so much to me.

By now, he’s probably wondering why you haven’t introduced him to your family. Picture: iStock

How someone else responds to what we share can never be guaranteed, but being vulnerable and sharing emotions gives them the best chance of hearing without becoming defensive.

You are not your family

This guy has fallen for you. I’m guessing that, given the amount of time you’ve had together and how close you’ve become, he’s been able to see your lifestyle, get a sense of your values and understand what’s important to you in life. Inheriting money doesn’t necessarily change those things – unless there’s more that you’re withholding from him.

You are not your family. It sounds like you’re making really different choices from your family. If he’s the right guy, he’ll continue to see you for you – and not judge you based on your family.

Understand each other’s values and dreams

I’d like to see you have a conversation together about your values and the lifestyle you’d both like to lead into the future. See if this is compatible.

What is it about inheriting money that you don’t think he’ll like? Is it the way the money has been made, the concept of inheriting or something else altogether?

Even if you have different values around it, I’m wondering if, in future there are ways that you can manage your inheritance that do feel comfortable for him. For example, ethical investing or doing other good with the money you receive.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.