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Is your ex a narcissist or just not that into you?

Most people have called their ex this common insult but Sydney producer Jana Hocking discovered she could have been the problem all along.

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Has anyone else noticed that there is one word getting thrown around so frequently at the moment that I’m pondering if anyone knows what it really means.

You see, whenever a friend gets dumped, you will often hear them say “Oh, he was such a narcissist!” Treated me like cr*p, walked all over me, couldn’t give a damn – classic narcissist.

Now listen, I am sure there is a heck load of narcissists out there. Lord, I work in media, we practically breed them. However, maybe your bloke wasn’t a narcissist, maybe he just lost interest and your ego was a teeny tiny bit bruised.

Oh sister, #feels.

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Overuse of the word narcissist has got Jana Hocking pondering what it really means. Picture: Instagram.
Overuse of the word narcissist has got Jana Hocking pondering what it really means. Picture: Instagram.

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According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissism is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

I remember going out with a bloke yonks ago, and it all got a bit messy. I knew it wasn’t a healthy situation and I had to figure out a way of removing myself from the hot mess of a kinda-sorta-relationship in a non-toxic way, while also finding a way to turn off those wretched feelings that come with being in love. Eww.

So, I took myself off to a lovely therapist who listened to me blubber for an hour and all I kept saying was “honestly, he’s just such a narcissist!”

You see, I had done that thing so common to those who are feeling unloved, I took to Google to try and diagnose what was wrong with the bloke. Oh, and also me.

But just like when you type in symptoms of a cold, only for Google to tell you it’s highly likely cancer (it’s probably not), the internet may just have got me jumping to conclusions I shouldn’t have.

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Maybe he isn’t a narcissist after all and it’s just your ego that’s been bruised.
Maybe he isn’t a narcissist after all and it’s just your ego that’s been bruised.

Let’s be honest, when it comes to your health, just go see a damn doctor, and when it comes to your heart, well, a therapist is always a smart idea. They tend to stop you doing dumb things like getting drunk and texting him, or going back for a tenth go at a relationship with a gazillion red flags.

Honestly, therapists. Can’t recommend them enough.

When I threw out the word ‘narcissist’ she stopped me mid-rant and explained just because someone is no longer treating you like a princess, it doesn’t mean they are a narcissist. It usually just means their feelings are no longer in the relationship.

They’re taking time out for themselves.

Ouch.

It was so much easier to assume that there was something clinically wrong with the bloke than he just wasn’t *takes a deep breath in* that into me.

She explained that people can’t simply be defined as a ‘narcissist’ or ‘not a narcissist’. It comes on a spectrum.

Jana Hocking realised her ex might not be the narcissist after all. Picture: Instagram.
Jana Hocking realised her ex might not be the narcissist after all. Picture: Instagram.

There are some people who are a little more self-centred, perhaps a little less empathetic, and there are those who would give you the jacket off their back if you asked for it.

And then there are people in between. Catch them on a good day and they’re sweet as cherry pie, catch them after a big weekend and they might not give a hoot that you didn’t like how they spoke to you after you forgot to take the bins out again!

Let’s be honest, this modern selfie obsessed society seems to be bringing out a strong sense of narcissism in many people, but have you ever observed your ex feel real emotions in every day life?

Perhaps he cried in Gladiator when Maximus’ family was killed? Hmm … Just because he dumped you doesn’t make him a narcissist, he just wasn’t that into you anymore. Gaaaah sorry. It hurts doesn’t it. I promise you it won’t forever.

So before we all decide we’ve been dumped by a ‘classic narcissist’ let’s just go and get ourselves a second opinion. And listen, if he really is a narcissist, then he sure as heck doesn’t care about you, so don’t give him an ounce more of your energy.

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking | Jana (with a J)

Read related topics:Jana HockingSydney

Original URL: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/is-your-ex-a-narcissist-or-just-not-that-into-you/news-story/ecf82cd479051f07b9f2b75988b46f34