First Dates recap: Sexual innuendo gets awkward
FIRST Dates’ Anna really wanted us to know she’d heard of sex. The guy she was paired with could not have been more awkward.
THIS episode of First Dates has a lot of variety. A range of accents, a range of political affiliations, and a range of cringe factors from isn’t-that-nice to stop-talking-please-just-stop-talking.
But always the same old banana dessert.
A PROBLEM WITH THE WORD ‘MOIST’
Okay first up, Anna would really like you to know that she’s heard of sex.
“I’m a firm believer that a woman needs to be a lady in the living room, a cook in the kitchen, and a slut in the bedroom” she says from the outset with her somewhere-in-Europe accent.
Anna’s date tonight is awkward-but-affable ginge David, who looks like he blushes at the first sign of petticoat. He has three defences against Anna’s innuendo tsunami: “Laughing, saying “wowee”, and breaking the fourth wall, The Office style.
The date follows a trajectory of tiny cycles: Anna says something suggestive, they both laugh, David blushes and says wow.
“So many people have a problem with the word ‘moist’” says Anna.
“Oh, wow” says David.
Anna arranges the banana dessert in a particular fashion.
“Oh wow” says David.
“I made a banana dirty” says Anna.
“Oh wow. Wowee” says David.
By Awkward Question Time, Anna’s surprisingly keen to corrupt David, and David seems keen to just do what he’s told by someone he’s almost certainly terrified of. It has all the elements to be the love story of our time.
YOU HAVE A HUGE ELECTION
Labor Party staffer Stephanie is back for another date, and has been matched with Liberal Party staffer Alex, because the producers of this show love us very much.
We already have some affection for Stephanie from her last date, but it’s difficult to know how we feel about Alex yet, at least without a dictionary.
When Stephanie asks him what the word “lonza” means on the menu, he lies:
“Ah, so lonza was a cheese that was developed by the Germans, and it’s got just the slightest soupçon of peanuts on the nose”.
Alex admits to just making up his answer, so they order the lonza and take a bet on what it is. Alex offers his boutonniere as a prize for the winner.
But something weird happens on the march towards dessert and moderate foreign policy. We start to sort of like Alex. More importantly, so does Stephanie.
The pair are willing to date outside their electorates, and know in advance that they’ll be arguing about things in the future. How refreshing to know the arguments will be about deregulation rather than leaving the toilet seat up.
NEVER RUCK ON THE FIRST DATE
Look, Matt and Eden seem like outrageously lovely people, but this date is exactly as interesting as you’ve always imagined rugby-based dates to be.
He’s looking for someone who likes rugby.
She’s looking for someone who likes rugby.
That’s it, that’s the date.
Mind you, something happens between Matt whispering “wow” when Eden walks in and the end of the date.
Nothing interesting, mind you. But Matt seems to inexplicably adjust his ideal partner criteria from “a girl who likes rugby” to “a girl who likes rugby who isn’t Eden”.
He decides he just wants to be friends, and expresses that in a way that Eden will understand:
“In terms of our common connections, I feel like we could definitely go and watch a Bledisloe Australia vs. New Zealand game”, he says.
It’s hard to understand how there’d be a more ideal woman for Matt than Eden, but then I’ve never really understood rugby.
Rugby.
ALWAYS SMILE AT A CROCODILE
It’s a tale as old as time. Irish zookeeper meets girl, girl has dream about rabbit-throwing, guy compliments girl’s smile, girl wants sloth.
Tony and Bridget are the best kind of people: Open, unaffected, and just a little bit peculiar.
He likes blonde hair and a cheeky smile, and she, blonde with a cheeky smile, likes Irishmen with interesting jobs.
He works with crocodiles and tigers, and she’s fairly sure she’ll cry if she ever meets a sloth.
Look, everything that’s said from this point on is a bit unusual, but completely delightful. If you don’t have a stupid grin on your face by now, you’re probably dead.
Tony tells us you should treat a woman like a crocodile.
Bridget tells Tony she had a dream she’d meet an Irish rabbit thrower, which … which isn’t a thing.
Tony tells Bridget he thinks some mental illnesses can be cured by being roared at by a tiger.
Bridget tells Tony she wants to move to Costa Rica and get a sloth.
Tony tells Bridget he’s going to take her to see a sloth.
It’s a bit odd. It’s a bit nice.
They quickly agree to another date to go and see a sloth.
THE SUMMER OF GEORGE
If you can say one thing about this date: It’s straightforward. Summer and George are the kind of people you see getting together all the time at bars that serve drinks in plastic cups, and it is not complicated.
George is British, and has a British accent from Britain.
Summer is Australian, and has a sort-of-British accent from the Kylie Minogue Instant Accent Shop.
The pair click immediately, causing Summer to exclaim “you’re such a flirt!” whenever George says something relatively non-flirtatious.
There’s not a lot to Summer and George, so there’s not a lot to the date. They meet, they admire each other’s teeth, they giggle at words like “gag”, “squirt”, and “cocky”, so the writing’s on the wall. Of COURSE they’re going on a second date.
This couldn’t be simpler if George was a caveman that just carried Summer down the street.
Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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