Jo Thornely recaps First Dates: Three failures and an unexpected ending

FIRST Dates returned to our screens with a match so awkward we had to watch it through our fingers. No way these two could work ... until they pash.

FIRST DATES is back!

Sort of, for a bit.

All the usual elements are here: Dates that make you realise you’ve been grinning like a sap at the television for 10 minutes.

Dates that make you realise there’s a difference between wanting people to get together and thinking people deserve each other.

Dates that make you realise you could really go a stuffed zucchini flower right about now.

DATES WITH GOOD-LOOKING FUSSY PEOPLE

Stephanie wants a man with skills plucked from opposite ends of the stereotype spectrum: Abs and a high IQ.

Mind you, she also wants someone who isn’t particularly interested in her and who points out her flaws, so maybe a Men’s Rights Activist would do if she could coax one away from Breitbart for a moment.

OK yeah let me rethink that.

Stephanie’s date is Nick, who owns a gym and carries a book of inspirational quotes with him at all times.

‘Dance like nobody’s got a shirt on’ — Buff Confucius

Nick seems to do a lot of things to avoid participating in an actual conversation. He suggests a tequila shot to start. He keeps nagging Stephanie to hold hands. He pretends to fall asleep when Stephanie tells him she works in politics. He stands to recite from his quote book.

But the caterpillar was STILL hungry.

This is the kind of date that happens a lot between super good-looking people, where they use phrases like “no way, that’s so funny” as punctuation between things that aren’t funny.

When Stephanie tells us that her secret celebrity crush is Malcolm Turnbull, and we recover from an unsettling mental image of Malcolm Turnbull with abs, we realise that the person she’s looking for may not exist.

Although when she rejects Nick for basically not being intelligent enough, she’s probably onto something.

DATES YOU WANT TO BE ON

Clare is what is known in the literature as a “tops chick”. She’s fun, she’s natural, and she has a laugh you want to join in with.

The only infectious thing you want on a date.

She wants someone to laugh with, who will embrace her numerous quirks. Maybe someone tall and handsome and hairy whose face also crinkles up and glows whenever he smiles. Maybe someone like that.

What do you mean, ‘projecting my own preferences’?

Clare tells us she’s attracted to people whose happiness shows across their face, which means this whole date should stop right now and she and Aaron should just skip straight to living together. Sure, that would mean that I don’t get to date Aaron, but I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs.

Look, it’s not perfect. He thinks people who live in Byron like Clare does are avoiding responsibility, and she thinks his adorable jigsaw puzzle hobby is a bit lame. Yet you just want these kids to make it and be the smiliest, most relaxed couple on the east coast.

Sub-tropical finger pistols 4 EVA.

By Awkward Question Time, we’re certain these two are a perfect match.

Except Aaron isn’t. He lets Clare down gently, saying she’s awesome but there’s no spark. I guess there’s a piece of the jigsaw missing, right Aaron? (Hint: It’s me).

DATES YOU HAVE TO WATCH THROUGH YOUR HANDS

There is no doubt that Sanjay is a lovely guy with many fine qualities. Unfortunately one of those qualities is awkwardness.

Watching Sanjay on a date is like seeing your favourite tennis player play a match with one of their testicles sticking out of their shorts. You want them to succeed, but it’s hard to watch.

Thank you ball boys.

He’s matched with Caitlin, an instantly likeable, open girl who tells us that she has Asperger’s, which makes her very blunt.

“I don’t care how nice they are, if they have a bush, it’s just no. There’s more bacteria in a man’s beard bush than there probably is on anyone’s pubic bush,” she says, helping us discover that hanging out with people with Asperger’s is probably awesome.

2 parts gin, 1 part hand sanitiser.

Caitlin tells Sanjay she hates seafood, so he’s surprised when she orders the tempura zucchini flowers, and teases her about it.

Caitlin is equally surprised to discover that Sanjay thinks “tempura” is another word for “prawns”.

The awkward tension is broken when Caitlin suggests they skol the rest of their drinks before leaving. It’s a great idea. Not awkward at all.

Totally fine.

They even admit that they have no idea what each other’s name is. There’s just no way this date can work.

Except:

Who knew?

DATES WITH SECOND CHANCES AND LOW STANDARDS

“Don’t be too picky or you’ll never find a husband” instructs returning dater Milanka’s mother as she drops her off at the restaurant, implying that married people are just those with low standards.

Hello, I’m alive and nearby, nice to meet you.

But what ARE low standards? Where do you draw the line? A man who’s sort-of OK looking if you squint? Boring but tolerable? Not currently carrying a weapon?

Or a man who, regardless of the conversation topic, maintains this face at all times?

The lights are on, but nobody’s … actually I’m not sure the lights are on.

A man who says “you’re heaps of fun” in a flat monotone, deadpan?

A man with no sense of humour who eats audibly?

Knock knock. Who’s there? Table manners.

It’s entirely unsurprising that Milanka thinks the date is a disaster, although she keeps it well hidden.

By having a mild stroke.

She keeps it so well hidden that she makes the mistake many daters do, and doesn’t tell him directly.

“I think that we got along quite well, and that perhaps we, um, are better off as mates, or better off, you know, maybe continuing our search for the one separately,” she says, when all she actually needs to do is say what we’ve all been screaming at the telly for the last hour:

“Dude. No”.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely