Expert explains why dating rules prevent you from finding love

The list of dating no-no’s is never ending – but “outdated” rules are ruining your chance of finding love as this Sydney woman discovered.

There’s a whole lot of dating “rules” we’re told to follow when we’re single – but these purportedly helpful pieces of advice could be holding you back from meeting The One.

This has never been more apparent to me than recently after I decided to drive to Newcastle to meet a guy I’d matched with on Tinder.

After sharing my experience online, I was taken aback by how many people commented on my video telling me I’d committed a cardinal sin of dating.

“Never drive to meet a man for a first date lady. He comes to you,” one comment, with almost 1000 ‘likes’, read.

But it wasn’t the only one, there were hundreds of people – men and women – all stating this potential romance was doomed from the outset as “he should come to you”.

It seemed bonkers to me that in 2022 people were still following such strict rules – so I turned to the experts.

Melbourne sexologist Chantelle Otten has detailed her advice on navigating the world of dating rules. Picture: Instagram

Many thought I’d made a mistake driving to meet a man I’d met on Tinder. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

“People are always going to have different opinions on dating rules, and some people will argue that they simply don’t work,” Melbourne sexologist Chantelle Otten told news.com.au.

“However, if you feel like following certain rules makes you more comfortable and gives you a better chance of having a successful relationship, then by all means stick to them.

“At the end of the day, it’s up to each individual to decide what they want and need in a partner. If you’re willing to break the rules every once in a while, go for it.”

However, Chantelle – who is an ambassador for dating app Bumble – stressed “too much flexibility can lead to confusion and chaos”.

“When it comes to dating, it’s important to be mindful of what works best for you,” she advised.

Interestingly, when we look at traditional dating rules such as who should text first, who should ask who on a date, and which party is expected to foot the bill – they all stem from stereotypical gender roles.

It’s a man who “should” do all of the above, something Canadian psychologists Jessica J. Cameron and Emma Curry determined “leaves a woman with less power” in their 2020 study into how gender roles affect first dates.

This is not only “outdated”, but it is also concerning argues Dr Wendy Patrick, a US-based criminal prosecutor.

But dating rules stem from ‘outdated’ gender roles and could be ruining your efforts to find the one. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

“Cameron and Curry explain that because men have the lead-actor role within first-date ‘scripts’, this relational initiation role may transfer to subsequent behaviour, including taking steps towards commitment, culminating with a formal marriage proposal,” Dr Patrick wrote for Psychology Today earlier this year.

First-date scripts are defined as “socially constructed expectations or norms for the behaviours that should be enacted in certain contexts”.

But As Dr Patrick points out, what happens if men or women fail to live up to the script?

“Behaving in conformity with traditional gender scripts makes a positive impression, while violating gender norms results in a negative impression,” she said.

“Women who ask men out on dates are viewed more negatively and as less attractive.

“And despite claiming to view women who ask them out on dates positively, research shows that men are less likely to accept and continue relationships with such women.”

Knowing dating rules are rooted in sexist notions, are there any tips singles should be taking seriously?

“Dating rules that involve making the other person come to you, such as waiting for your match to call first, generally do not work and can lead to frustration and resentment,” Chantelle explained.

“As we say at Bumble, make the first move! Rules can put the progression of the match in the hands of someone who might not know ‘the rules’... and unfortunately they cannot read your mind.”

In March this year Bumble conducted research into the Romance Gap, and found that 63 percent of Australians who are single think gender roles make it more difficult to build equal relationships, and 60 percent say that gender roles make dating more difficult and stressful.

“So that is something to think about too when we focus on ‘the rules’,” she added.

Chantelle, pictured with partner Dylan Alcott, said trust your gut and do what feels right for you. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

Some women think taking control pays off. Picture: news.com.au/RebekahScanlan

The sex expert, who is dating current Australian of the Year Dylan Alcott, said the best thing to do when dating is figure out your intentions.

“What are you looking for in your dating journey? Do you want to be in a relationship? Or do you want to meet new people and have some fun?

“Once you have those answers, you can start creating some guidelines for yourself.

“But always remember to be flexible, because sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling and break the rules.”

There’s a lot to be said about going with your initial instinct, with some women responding to my video to state they too had gone against the grain and it had paid off.

“Flew to another state for my Tinder date, we are married with babies now,” one said.

“I did this nearly two years ago now and we are still together,” another stated.

Even the guys admitted they were frustrated by the restrictions of traditional dating and said a girl who makes an effort would be “a keeper”.

“There should be more woman like you that actually put in the effort to meet us lads. We need that from time to time,” one remarked.

“I don’t think you are insane. I think it’s brave. You can’t find someone if you don’t do anything,” another agreed.

While my two-hour journey up the M1 didn’t result in love, it sure did expose the sexist issues with dating rules.

So here’s to throwing out the rule book more often and following our guts. After all, unlike the men I’ve dated, it’s something I know I can always trust.