Couples counsellor reveals whether ‘micro-cheating’ is killing your relationship

A couples counsellor has revealed the subtle but often devastating behaviours that can slowly destroy trust in any relationship.

Micro-cheating is a term that captures subtle actions or behaviours that, while not outright infidelity, can still challenge the trust and integrity of a relationship. These seemingly small betrayals often leave one partner feeling uneasy, as they create emotional distance and sow seeds of doubt in a relationship.

The behaviours that fall under the umbrella of micro-cheating vary widely but typically include actions that suggest a breach of emotional or relational boundaries. While the term may be “micro”, the impact of these actions can have significant emotional consequences, leading to erosion of trust and deep-seated insecurity.

Examples of micro-cheating

Micro-cheating can take many forms, and what constitutes such behaviour can differ from couple to couple.

However, there are common examples seen in relationships that tend to cross relationship boundaries:

• Maintaining a dating app profile: One common form of micro-cheating involves a partner keeping a dating app profile active. Even if they aren’t actively seeking out new relationships, the simple act of maintaining access to the app and scrolling through potential matches could be seen as a breach of trust.

• Secret communication with an ex: Ongoing communication with an ex-partner, especially when it is hidden from the current partner, is another form of micro-cheating. The secrecy, rather than the communication itself, is often what creates tension.

• Building an emotional bond with a colleague: A partner might develop a close emotional bond with someone outside the relationship, such as a colleague at work, that goes beyond typical friendship boundaries. Activities that are often seen as romantic, such as going to movies or dinners, can blur the lines between friendship and something more intimate.

• Engaging in flirtatious online interactions: Social media interactions can also be a form of micro-cheating. For example, someone might like or comment on posts from someone they find attractive or exchange flirtatious messages, even if they have never met that person.

The anonymity and distance afforded by online platforms can make this behaviour feel harmless, but it often causes trust issues.

A couples counsellor reveals the subtle actions that, while not outright infidelity, can challenge the trust and integrity of a relationship. Picture: iStock

The impact of micro-cheating

Even though these behaviours might not involve physical intimacy, micro-cheating can erode trust and create emotional turmoil in a relationship. It often leaves one partner feeling insecure, anxious and disconnected.

The effects of micro-cheating are subtle but profound:

• Undermining trust: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship and micro-cheating can quickly break down that foundation. Even if a partner does not physically betray the relationship, their secretive actions or emotional connection with someone else can raise suspicions. 

• Impact on emotional wellbeing: The partner who experiences micro-cheating may begin to question themselves and the relationship. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity and self-doubt can arise as they sense that something is amiss, even if they can’t pinpoint the exact problem.

Over time, these feelings can diminish self-esteem and lead to emotional exhaustion.

• Questioning the relationship: Micro-cheating can make the affected partner wonder about the overall commitment level in the relationship. If one partner is emotionally engaging with someone else, it raises the question of whether they are fully invested in their current relationship. This emotional disconnection can create a divide between partners, leading to dissatisfaction and a sense of being unfulfilled.

Secret communication with an ex is a common problem. Picture: iStock

• Emotional affair: While micro-cheating does not involve physical intimacy, it can sometimes cross the line into what is known as an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one partner seeks emotional closeness with someone outside of the relationship, a betrayal that can be just as painful as physical infidelity. In some cases, the emotional aspects of micro-cheating can be more devastating than a sexual affair, as it reflects a deeper lack of emotional intimacy or satisfaction within the relationship.

• Increasing disconnection: When a partner starts to develop emotional connections elsewhere, they often rely less on their partner for emotional support. This creates further distance and disconnection in the relationship.

Is moving forward after micro-cheating possible? 

Whether micro-cheating is a deal-breaker or something that can be worked through depends on the specific dynamics of the relationship and the behaviour in question. To determine whether the relationship can heal from micro-cheating, both partners need to address the issue head-on.

To determine whether the relationship can heal from micro-cheating, both partners need to address the issue head-on. Picture: iStock

Some key questions to consider include:

• What is the nature of the behaviour? It’s important to evaluate the specific micro-cheating behaviour and what it signifies for you. What may seem harmless to one partner could be deeply hurtful to the other. Understanding the meaning behind the behaviour and the emotional impact it has is crucial.

• Has your partner taken responsibility? For any chance of reconciliation, the partner who engaged in micro-cheating needs to take ownership of their actions. A willingness to acknowledge the impact of their behaviour, show remorse and make amends is necessary for rebuilding trust.

• Have boundaries been discussed? Open communication is key in any relationship. If micro-cheating has occurred, it’s essential to talk about boundaries and what is acceptable or not.

A partner unwilling to engage in this discussion may not be fully committed to changing their behaviour.

Ultimately, the ability to move past micro-cheating will depend on the level of transparency, responsibility and emotional repair that takes place.

Helen Robertson is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co-founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. She is also the co-author of The 8 Love Links, a book designed to help individuals and couples develop deeper insights and strategies for stronger, more fulfilling relationships. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com.