Can being single for too long stop you finding a partner?

Long-term singleton Jana Hocking has had a revelation about what she’s been doing wrong in her quest for love – and lots of people make the same mistake.

Question … what happens when you’ve been single for so long that you forget how to behave with a boyfriend? Asking for a friend, obviously.

That’s the question I posed to fellow podcaster Tully Smyth when she appeared on my Kinda Sorta Dating podcast this week. She revealed that after eight years of being single, she had finally found herself a fella. As in a guy who she wasn’t just ‘kinda, sorta dating’, but an actual boyfriend.

As a long-term singleton, I genuinely wanted to know.

You see, this pandemic has really got me thinking it’s probably time to put up the old ‘sold’ sign on my dating life. Pick a guy I get on with and give it a real go.

Being in a long lockdown has left Jana thinking about settling down. Picture: Instagram.

Sure, the single life was fun when we could go out with our friends on a Friday night and run amok, or squeeze in a date between social appointments every now and then. Fun.

But these past ten-or-so empty Friday nights have got me twiddling my thumbs. And sure, I’ve got my single bubble buddy to keep my bed warm every now and then, but what about long term?

Maybe it would be nice to wake up on a Sunday and actually spend a fair chunk of the day with them … but what would we do?! Well, apart from the obvious.

For example: do I keep their favourite cereal in my cupboard?! My terribly independent self screams, “noooo that’s too clingy!’ but is it?

Do you text them every night before bed? And again in the morning?! I am so horribly out of practice, I don’t know what’s clingy. Or cute. Or just darn affectionate!

When I asked Tully what the rules of a relationship were, she LOL’ed and then explained that she doesn’t really know either. You see, she is only a couple of months into this boyfriend/girlfriend situation that she’s still figuring it out herself.

Thankfully, the guy she picked is in a fairly similar boat. Like myself, he once was petrified of the C-word as well – commitment – so they’re just kinda figuring it out as they go.

Tully Smyth is learning how to be in a relationship.

It poses another question though … is it possible to become ‘too independent’?! I posed this to another friend on the weekend. You see, when you have been plodding along in life by yourself for a few years, you can find yourself fairly set in your ways.

Where once, I had to attend footy games and cheer on my guy, pretending to be excited, now – well, pre-lockdown – I can attend boozy brunches and gossip with the girls instead.

Similarly, where I once had to attend his cousin’s baby shower or spend half my Christmas Day at his family’s house, now I can wake up late at my family’s farm, pour champagne for lunch and not have to worry about who is driving to the next family’s house.

I can binge on a whole series of rom-coms all day, and hook up with that cute guy at the bar if he tickles my fancy.

Yet on the flip side, Sunday morning when I just want someone to rub my back when I wake up, talk about our hopes and goals for the week, and help me build an Ikea shelf, well, then independence can take a MASSIVE back seat.

So, tell me coupled-up people, how do you find yourselves one of these ‘boyfriends’ that everyone keeps talking about, because I’ll be honest, my taste is rubbish.

They say ‘like attracts like’ and in this case, it seems to be ‘commitment phobe attracts commitment phobe’.

Thankfully, Tully had an answer for that question. You see, it turns out when you start working and focusing on your own self-development, your love for yourself actually translates to the love you look for in others.

No longer will you be looking for a ‘project’ to fix, in an attempt to distract yourself from your own self-maintenance, but you will actually start looking for someone who has done the work on themselves as well.

Someone who can meet you in a place of mutual respect. It makes sense when you think about it. When your self-worth grows, so do your standards.

So, to put it simply, if you want to attract a great person, become a great person!

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking