What makes you a w**ker in Sydney?

It is just a fact that there are some things people in Sydney do that make the rest of Australia roll their eyes at their insane behaviour.

If you live in Sydney, there’s no denying you are already a wanker, in some way or another.

If you weren’t, you wouldn’t feel the burning desire to live in a city where property prices are unhinged, and coffee is usually above $5.

No judgment, I’m also a wanker.

I live in Sydney, I drink soy chai lattes, I pay $30 to do a single pilates class, and I have absolutely said the sentence on holidays, “This almost tastes like the bread at Totti’s”, and I haven’t even mentioned yet that I pay for my dog to go to daycare.

Besides your location, there are a few big signs that confirm your true wanker status — you aren’t just a regular one, you are someone that excels at it.

If you read this and think, “that’s me!”, just know, that is also me, and there’s nothing wrong with it... as long as you have a sense of humour about it.

1. If you do the Bondi to Coogee walk and run into your ex

It doesn’t make you a tool to simply do the classic walk. I mean, who can refuse? The backdrop is extraordinary; the lighting is always perfect for selfies.

The Instagram caption practically writes itself but a simple “Perfect way to start the day” always works.

You can definitely show off your new Lorna Jane $100 tights and there’s a coffee shop in the middle to recharge at; bonus points if you complain about property prices while getting your caffeine hit.

If you run into your ex doing this walk you are the problem. Picture: istock

Still, that alone doesn’t quite make you a full-blown wanker, you can pretend your doing all of this under the guise of being healthy, but if doing the 6km walk fills you with fear you’ll run into your ex or that guy you pashed at the Coogee Pavilion when Horses was playing, that’s when you’ve cemented your fate.

There’s nothing more Sydney than two former lovers trying to avoid eye-contact while they are both covered head to toe in obscenely expensive activewear.

2. You drive an SUV, but you never leave Sydney

Big cars are meant to be for people in the country that need to survive driving around bumpy roads, not for people that are zooming around Sydney to buy the $14.50 Tuna dip from Pasta Pantry in Woollahra. Bonus points if you’ve run into Kerri-Anne Kennelly or Ita Buttrose while doing it.

No one needs this car in Sydney. Source: NewsWire

Sydney is beautiful but it can bring out the worst in you. Picture: istock

Finance bros who live in Bondi and insist on driving big burly Utes – I’m looking at you. Trust me, a Prius will get you to SOMA gym no problems. Sorry, I apologise, SOMA doesn’t even call itself a gym, it’s a ‘collection’.

3. North Face puffer jackets paired with R.M Williams boots

There’s no denying that this is the uniform of men who went to private schools and withhold the fact they’re living rent-free in their parents’ investment properties.

It’s important to highlight that it is the combination of the two together that create the full effect.

A puffer jacket, on its own, is acceptable; a puffer jacket paired with R.M Williams boots = you had shares in your name before you learnt how to share.

There’s something so hilarious about seeing a man wandering around the inner city in an incredibly durable outfit you could survive the wilderness in, but you know he’s just wearing it to brunch or to drink craft beer, and if he calls having beers “brewskis,” well, there’s a 90 per cent chance his parents paid his university fees upfront.

4. If you’ve eaten the bread at Totti’s

This is not an overrated activity, it doesn’t matter how many people take photos of the bread, it doesn’t matter that every influencer in Sydney has been seen at Totti’s.

Totti's bread. Picture: Totti's/Instagram

This bread is pure in its goodness, but yes, if you’ve been influenced to go try it and you are now recommending it to everyone you know. You’re a wanker.

If you’ve posted a photo of the bread with the caption, “steam facial”, you are guilty of being a wanker and being unoriginal.

5. You don’t leave your ‘side’ of Sydney

No one is safe from this one!

If you live in the inner west and wouldn’t dare heading into Manly.

If you’re a northern beaches babe, but you call crossing the bridge a “trek”, or if you’re an eastern suburbs diehard that can’t bear the thought of being somewhere where your white linen shirt isn’t seen as the epitome of high fashion – you are a wanker.

If you never drive past this sign because you never leave your suburb. Picture: NCA Newswire / Gaye Gerard

Being so obsessed with your suburb that you never take the time to enjoy anywhere else in Sydney is peak wanker behaviour.

6. If your dog costs more than $5000

This conversation is bigger than the “adopt don’t shop” one. It’s not just about the fact you bought a dog, it’s about the fact you spent more on a dog than most people spend on their first cars, and trust me, that Holden is more durable than your Spoodle.

Extra points if your dog has its own Instagram, wears a harness, goes to doggie daycare and gets his treats from boutique pet stores.

Forget Smackos, have you ever heard of organic lamb ribs?

7. If you’re in your 20s and still mention what private school you went to

If you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s and have perfected the art of casually dropping into conversation the fancy private school you went to - so people immediately know you have money, I hate to inform you there’s nothing casual about it and everyone knows what you are doing and it is very boring.

We already knew you were from money by the fact you’re wearing chinos.

Sydney is gorgeous but it can make people insane. Source: Wendell Teodoro/Getty Images)

If you eat Tottis bread, wear R.Ms and own a giant car in the Sydney = wanker.

8. If you spend $30 on brunch without flinching

Yes, if some scrambled eggs paired with a lukewarm coffee because the brunch rush is so hectic is setting you back $30, and you’re completely fine with it... Well, mate you’ve lost perspective (and welcome to the club).

9. If you do your weekly grocery shop at Harris Farm

I’m sorry but if your shopping isn’t done at Woolworths, Coles or IGA, then you are spending far too much money.

Honestly, if you even know what Tony’s Chocolate is you’re in full wanker territory. It’s a delicious chocolate that costs around $9 for 100g.

It’s yummy, but if that is in your pantry instead of Cadbury you are truly in your wanker era.