This is what makes you a bogan in Australia

Being a bogan in Australia is pretty common, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of – but what exactly makes you a bogan?

If you are Australian, there’s no pretending that there isn’t a bit of bogan in you. I’d argue there’s a little bit of bogan in all of us.

I feel I’m pretty well versed to talk on the subject of being a bogan. I grew up on the south coast of NSW — a place where board shorts are considered something you can wear to your child’s high school graduation and, if you are a man, wearing a shirt is optional at the supermarket.

I am definitely a bogan.

It doesn’t matter how complicated my coffee order has become since moving to Sydney, I’ll still wear my pyjamas to the supermarket, and I can always knock back bourbon and Coke without flinching.

I want to clarify that being a bogan isn’t a bad thing. I actually think it is endearing and probably means you know how to change a tyre.

So, if you read this list and think, “that’s me”, just know, that is also me, and there’s nothing wrong with being a bogan … as long as you have a sense of humour about it.

1. You got a tattoo in Bali

Come on, we all know that you are a bogan if inspiration has struck you to get a tattoo after a long day of haggling good deals for bootleg DVDs.

Extra points if the tattoo is in a language that you can’t read, if it’s an ode to a current partner, or a generic word you have decided has a deeper meaning like “breathe” or “trust.”

“I chose trust as a tattoo because you just need to remember sometimes to take a deep breath and feel the trust you have for yourself,” aka, I’m going through a break-up, I’m manic and searching for meaning in everything.

Codfish, Southern Cross tattoos and treating your body like a memorial plaque also make you a bogan.

Still, if your body is covered in tattoos in honour of your friends that have died, you are a sentimental bogan and, quite frankly, a darling.

Sorry, but a tattoo in Bali is bogan behaviour. Picture: Getty Images

2. You always order honey chicken at a Chinese restaurant

You know you are a bogan if your order at a Chinese restaurant has stayed the same since childhood.

I’m talking satay chicken, sweet and sour pork, honey chicken, fried rice, spring rolls and chased down with some prawn crackers. Maybe, a chow mein with crispy noodles if you are feeling dangerous and ready to try new things.

This is precisely what my family orders when we get together, and I’m certain only middle-class white people have the exact palate to appreciate and worship this order.

3. You know the number of your local pub

If you know the number of your local pub and you actually ring it because you want to contact a family member that spends their afternoons having a few cold ones, and is terrible at checking their mobile phone – well yes, you are a bogan.

You are clearly a bogan from a family dynasty of bogans. Probably a female bogan that is trying to get in contact with their dad.

We’ve all been there! Or maybe you haven’t and are from a ‘classy’ family, well can’t relate.

4. If you own a jet ski but not a home

If you’ve decided your love of water sports is more important than your financial future, well, sweetie, you are a bogan.

Extra points if your Tinder profile includes photos of you on your jet ski. Extra, extra points if you’re holding a beer while sitting smugly on your jet ski.

Extra, extra, extra points if you’ve bought this jet ski while still owing the tax office money, because you’re a tradie that hasn’t done his yearly maths correctly.

There’s nothing more bogan then a man in love with his jet ski. Picture: iStock

5. You only got the jab when you realised you’ve been banned from the pub

Perhaps you were a little nervous about the Covid-19 vaccine and got far too invested in believing people’s stories on Reddit threads.

Maybe you even started going on Facebook and warning your family and friends not to get it.

If you then did a complete 360 and agreed to roll up your sleeve once you discovered you wouldn’t be able to get into your local pub … well, babe, you are a bogan.

If your belief system is no match for your deep need to drink some beers with the boys or the girls, well, there’s nothing more Australian than that.

6. Anything designer you own has a giant logo on it

I’m talking Gucci belts, Channel flap bags, Gucci bumbags and Louis Vuitton brown totes that we all secretly think are ugly.

Yes, if your designer goods have basically just turned you into a walking talking billboard for the brand – you are in bogan territory, and only a more subtle designer good can get you out of it.

Extra points if you paid for your designer goods with cash you are hiding from the tax office.

7. You’d never drink a craft beer

You have very strong opinions about craft beers, if someone offers you one they then get an earful of how craft beers are only for wankers and there’s nothing wrong with a Tooheys or a VB.

You have no idea why people would pay premium prices for a beer that tastes like fruit.

The idea of mango being mixed into a beer has you in an absolutely flap.

This is a classic for a reason. Picture: Marianna Day Massey/ZUMA Press

8. You treat board shorts like regular shorts

If you wear board shorts as regular shorts, yes, you are a bogan.

Extra points if you pair these waterproof shorts with a button up shirt or you wear them to a formal event like your child’s high school graduation or your nan’s 70th.

Honestly, if you are just wearing board shorts at night that is enough to make you a bogan.

9. You go feral when Daryl’s ‘Horses’ comes on

If hearing the tune of Daryl Braithwaite’s Horses gets you out of the smokers’ section and onto the dance floor in four seconds flat, you are a bogan.

Clearly a bogan with incredible taste because who doesn’t want to scream the lyrics, “That’s the way it’s gonna be, little darling,” a wanker with no taste, that is who.