Joe Hildebrand: ‘Let me explain the financial plan called ‘Saving Yourself Broke’

Joe Hildebrand thought he had an ingenious way to save a few dollars. Unfortunately for Joe, the end result left a disappointing taste.

When you’re old and encumbered you buy things because they’re on special, right Joe Hildebrand?

There are several signs of middle age: you go to IKEA for breakfast, you no longer close the bathroom door and you start noticing novelty coffee cups.

But there is one more sure and irreversible than any other and it’s currently on sale for a limited time at up to 30 per cent off.

When you’re young and carefree you buy things because you want them. When you’re old and encumbered you buy things because they’re on special.

A childless friend of mine once breezily revealed his haphazard approach to shopping: he saw what he needed and he bought it. Thankfully I’d never be manipulated by such naivety.

I shrewdly allow the supermarket to tell me what I should buy based on how big the sale tag is. Show me something in yellow with a big red zigzag around it and I’ll take two dozen.

This is a condition that is highly common among new homeowners. A fellow recent purchaser recently told me that it was called “Saving Yourself Broke”. I liked the sound of it immediately.

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Basically the idea is that you start a family, buy a house and suddenly discover that you are mortgaged up to your eyeballs. After several nights staring blankly at your balance sheet with a bottle of wine in your hand, you realise that something will have to give — and it’s not going to be the wine.

And so you embark on a savings spree in an effort to insulate your family from future homelessness and hopefully give yourself a chance of retiring before the age of 97. As a result every cupboard in the house is now stuffed with discount generic toothbrush heads and cut-price paper towels.

But that’s not even the worst of it.

As every thrifty householder knows, the most sinister sale is the predatory pricing of dishwashing tablets.

After weeks of online research, I declared to my wife that we were switching from Fairy to Finish Powerballs. That would be fine, she replied, were it not for the fact I’d already purchased enough to service every cycle for the rest of our lives and the next 20 years of the children’s.

The same savings measures can also be applied to food. While some foolish parents feed their kids whatever is advised to them by such bogus authorities as dietitians or the CSIRO, I am firmly guided by the natural forces of capitalism.

As a result, my children recently spent two weeks consuming nothing but half- price yoghurt poppers and I can safely report it was a great success. Granted they are both now in the top quintile for juvenile obesity, but the mortgage has never been in better shape.

Of course the sceptics are out there. They say that retailers artificially jack up their regular prices just to give the illusion of a bargain when they cut it so you’ll buy ridiculous quantities.

“What rubbish!” I said to the checkout chick as I gave her my six vacuum cleaners.

If you buy that, you’ll buy anything.

— Joe Hildebrand co-hosts Studio 10, 8.30am weekdays, on Network Ten and is Editor-at-

large for News.com.au. Continue the conversation @Joe_Hildebrand