Joe Hildebrand in Stellar: Weather has been around forever and yet we still can’t cope with it

THERE are many personality types when it comes to Australian weather. Joe Hildebrand has made some important discoveries.

WEATHER is a funny old thing.

Today it’s hot, tomorrow it’s cold and the day after tomorrow it’s suddenly picked a fight with Dennis Quaid.

What has always astounded me is that the weather has been around since, well, forever, and yet still we are incapable of coping with it. The only human species that has evolved to adapt with changes in temperature is the Hipsterius Melburnium>, which started out wearing T-shirts over long underwear and ended up with foot-long beards.

This puts it in stark contrast with its sister species Sydneysitus Complainatus>, among whom I now move almost undetected.

Related: Joe Hildebrand in Stellar Magazine: ‘The printer is a device that has broken the spirit of every suburban man’

For whereas it is well known that conditions in Melbourne can vary from sub-zero sleet to a sub-Saharan heatwave – often within a typical September afternoon – Sydneysiders are more sensitive to unscheduled barometrical changes. This usually results in angry emails to the local mayor or phone calls to Ray Hadley.

In Melbourne, the weather is just something that happens. In Sydney, weather is a violation of property rights.

And then of course there is the third human subset, Brisvegas Shellberightus>, a species so relaxed it found a climate that was perfect all year round and then chose to build its home 70 kilometres from the nearest inhabitable beach (see also Coastus Pensionorum>).

Meanwhile, in South Australia pretty much the whole state is beach (even if most of it doesn’t have any water) and in WA they wonder if it’s worth going to the beach at all given that so few people seem to make it back alive.

But it is our biggest metropolis that still seems to struggle the most with the concept of seasons. Every winter, media outlets run a series of dramatic stories along the broad theme of “OH MY GOD IT’S COLD” only to be followed six months later by another series declaring “OH MY GOD IT’S HOT AGAIN”.

These magnificent pieces come with helpful infographics explaining how to survive these shock fluctuations, such as keeping a 24-hour watch on your neighbours – which every Sydney home owner does anyway – and not storing pets in the boot of your car.

Meantime, the shivering but selfless Melburnians are busy complaining about the plight of refugees in tropical Nauru, and share-house residents in Fortitude Valley are debating whether it’s cheaper to chip in for an Uber to the Goldie or a quarter-ounce.

This came into sharp relief over the past month when Sydney was hit by a cold snap that hadn’t been seen since, well, last winter. Residents struggled to understand why their T-shirts weren’t keeping them warm. One weather report read more like a crime story: “Winter’s grip tightened on Sydney and much of NSW, plunging some regions to record lows”.

“God it’s cold!” I said to my wife, whose unfeeling response was that perhaps I should put some pants on.

And that tells you pretty much all you need to know about our nation’s two biggest cities: in Melbourne, they’re cold and stoic, and in Sydney they’re confused and indignant that the weather has violated their lifestyle choices.

Maybe this is the real reason they moved the Logies from Melbourne to the Gold Coast – after all, if you’re going to be locked out of your hotel in your underwear, you at least have the right to be comfortable.

- This article originally appeared in Stellar and is reproduced here with permission.

- Stellar is available in today’s News Corp’s Sunday Telegraph, Sunday Herald Sun and Sunday Mail. For more information visit the website.

- Joe co-hosts Studio 10, 8.30am weekdays, on Network Ten. Continue the conversation with on Twitter @Joe_Hildebrand