‘I cried a lot of tears’: Fiona Falkiner on the moment her heart froze

One snap was all it took to send Fiona Falkiner spiralling again — for the last time. But once she dried her tears, she just got angry.

Fiona Falkiner is no stranger to the concept of transformation. In 2006, Falkiner applied successfully to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser, and she was hoping losing the weight would make her happy. But following major success on the show, she found herself spiralling into a deep depression. Here, in a column for news.com.au, she talks about life before, during and after living the reality TV juggernaut.

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I get asked a lot about self-confidence, how do you get it and how do you change the way you feel about yourself?

Some of the things that helped me over the years is to practise positive affirmations and actively try to change the negative thoughts in my head into positive ones.

But the honest truth is there is no magic button, there are no quick fixes and there are days when I really struggle to stay positive and confident.

I am human after all. Some days are good days, some are bad and so many factors can impact the way I feel about myself and my body.

Recently I had a paparazzi take some pretty unflattering photos of me. I mean, it has happened a lot over the years, and I thought I was getting immune to it. But when I saw the shots my heart froze.

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‘There is no magic button, there are no quick fixes and there are days when I really struggle to stay positive and confident,’ Fiona says. Picture: Instagram

Having lost and gained a lot of weight over the years has taken its toll on my body, but when the sun is shining, I will step into a bikini and confidently head to the beach. This is something that has taken a long time for me to be brave enough to do. Even wearing jean shorts is something I only had the courage to do this year.

I was always so worried about the cellulite on my legs so would always opt for dresses and skirts, but after being given some jean shorts over summer, I wore them a few times and realised how practical it was to wear shorts.

It helped that my fiancee told me I looked great in them. The first time I put them on and looked in the mirror I thought, “Well, it’s not that bad from the front, and I can’t really see the back, so I won’t worry about that,” and away I went. I spent my summer rocking a pair of daisy dukes … lol.

Training has one of the biggest impacts on the way I feel about my body. If I’m making the time to train every week I feel incredible.

My body may look the same, but I feel strong, fit and healthy, which reflects in the way I view my body. Training also really helps with my mental state. I have suffered from anxiety, and when I train it really helps keep it under control. Nothing beats the feeling after you have trained, and I always focus on that feeling to help motivate me to train regularly.

Sleep is another factor. When I am getting enough rest, I wake up feeling like I can take on the world. Sleep deprivation is my worst enemy, and I have suffered from insomnia over the years. It really takes its toll on my mental state, which in turn can lead to those negative voices trying to take hold.

What person would ever want someone secretly taking photos of them, let alone when they are bending over at the beach? But on the day these specific photos were taken, I had just ignored what I looked like from behind and I had merrily gone about my day. But here I was, with full view of all my cellulite for the world to see.

I will admit, I cried. I cried a lot of tears: for my invasion of privacy, for someone to put on display the part of my body I am still insecure about.

But once I dried my tears, I just got angry. Angry I let some pap make me feel embarrassed and ashamed of this body that has been through so much with me. It really shook me and took me a few days to get over it. And I had to listen to my own advice and meditate and surround myself with positivity.

What I put into my body also has an impact on how I feel, as when I am eating what I call a “clean” diet full of nutrient-dense foods, I really feel the impact on my self. Not only is my skin clearer, but I just feel so much better and I guess at peace with myself.

Don’t get me wrong, when I have a glass of wine or a piece of cheese or chocolate I don’t start sobbing over my stretch marks, but it’s about having balance, and that helps me stay positive.

Age also plays a role in self-confidence and how I view my body. The older I get, the easier it is to accept my cellulite, stretch marks and all the other lumps and bumps. I look back at pictures of me when I was half my size and I can honestly say I was so unhappy in my skin. Looking in the mirror, I would tear myself apart with so much negativity.

But the older I get, I feel the more at peace I am with the body I have. The older I get, the less I care about what others think of me, and I stop comparing my body to others. I mean it’s just me and this body ’til my last day on earth, so I need to be friends with it.

'Even wearing jean shorts is something I only had the courage to do this year,' Fiona admits. Picture: Instagram

After the photos were published, I got back into the gym and just focused on work and my beautiful fiancee. I refuse to let the actions of some sneaky creep in the bushes stop me from loving my body, and I will continue to rock my bikinis at the beach, dimples and all.

Fiona Falkiner is a model, presenter and former Biggest Loser contestant. Follow her journey on Instagram @fionafalkiner. You can read last week’s column here.